P: Hello DanAndPhilGAMES
D: To the wiki
P: Informative articles and welcome back to P: DAAAMNN DAWWWG
D: *singing* The game where you guess the wikihow
P: Yeah! We had fun last time and we thought-
D: Fun? Was it FUN? D: Seeing the weird crap the people wanna Google at 4:00 a.m.? (P: I like it!) D: And seeing how even weirder artists portray that kind of stuff? P: Yeah, so we’re gonna do again. We’re going to try and get to five. There’s no marshmallowy prize because I’ve learnt my lesson (D: Because you’ve learnt your lesson) P: I don’t need a- P: A carrot on a stick
D: You can just do this because you want them. Award yourself when you deserve it
P: I can just trot through life without a P: CARROT
D: No, what you’ve done is you’ve just started eating carrots with no self-control, (P: I have) but we’re not here to marshmallow-shame you, D: We’re here to marshmallow-shame some artists and some people googling in the middle of the night. D: Okay, here’s our first one, and honestly, tag yourself P: How to- *laughs* P: Just exist every day
D: How to Dan, how to be Dan coping moment to moment.
P: What’s the options?
D: I’m just kidding. They’re wearing a green shirt D: I would never do that. P: True
D: Is it “How to play with a pet”? “How to start an indie lifestyle”? D: You don’t even listen to this band, bro! “How to tell if your church is a cult” or “How to fix digestion”? P: I think it might be “How to start an indie lifestyle”. She’s listening to the indie music and trying to get into it. D: You think she’s listening to music? Where the hell do you think her ears are, here?
P: Oh, yeah P: She’s not Mickey Mouse…
D: Great start, everybody! “How to play with a pet”. I mean if I was looking at a cute dog that would be my expression just like oh P: You do ugly cry sometimes when looking at a dog. D: Exactly. P: Though it does seem to me like she’s in a cult.. D: ..and she’s wondering how to get out of it. We are both going for it. Dam* it! D: What is digestion the one you’re touching the stomach, you idiot!
P: Is she- D: You don’t know where your ears or your stomach are- P: Maybe she poos out of her ears and that’s the problem. P: Digestion’s not working here.. D: Okay, great start. Okay. I’m disappointed in every single way I can manifest emotion. P: Alright, let’s try harder!
D: -right- P: Oh!
D: How to be cool on MySpace.
P: How to secretly be a vampire. D: Yes, okay, fine. I mean she has great makeup- the style is all good. P: I prefer their mirror version-
D: -she’s aspiring to be that? D: Well ok, it is “how to enjoy pornography in the comfort of your home”? P: What is that pornography? D: What’s she into? “How to sue for emotional distress”? D: She made me a goth! “How to persuade a Christian to become an atheist”, P: Or “how to create a benefit concert series”? D: None of these make any sense wha- I swear- literally none of these ever make sense. P: What if it’s some kind of vampire pornography and that’s what she’s thinking about? D: Why would it be a mirror if it’s emotional distress? Is that her, a Christian becoming an atheist?
P: -Maybe- D: I mean that’d be a bit on the nose for WikiHow. P: Mmmouadkwawaw D: It- I think it’s…
P: I think it’s emotional distress. D: I think it’s emotional distress. P: That’s the distress.
D: It’s like- do you agree that emotional distress is the only one that makes sense? P: Yeah
D: ..But it’s going to be a benefit concert or pornography. P: I think so. *fail* P: Nooo D: What the–f*ck?
P: That’s the atheist! D: How? P: Bleeding from the mouth-
D: Bleeding out of their eyes- not with the love of Christ-
P: Okay, another one! D: It’s me again. Why am I in every-
P: How to steal Dan’s cereal! D: Pat pat pat there, there, please have a- P: cookie.
D: -cookie. D: Oh right. P: Alright, what’s the options? D: How to start a cult, It’s obviously that isn’t it? D: I think it’s obviously gonna be that I think.
P: I think it’s a cookie cult. D: “How to make friend fall in love with you”….cookies. P: “How to induce nightmares”-
D: Yes. P: Definitely not cookies- “how to know when you’ll get your first period.”
D: I think it might be that.
P: Why? D: ‘Cause it’s like yeah, you’re going through your period. D: And I’m here for you. I’m just letting you know I have a bag of cookies and then I’m going to back off.
P: Is he like the period fairy that’s like: “have your cookies. It’s coming.” D: ……… D: 0……0
P: What? D: I apologize on behalf of women everywhere. P: I’m sorry.
D: Um, I’m gonna say period though.
P: But- D: What?!
P: They fall in love- that was the friend! D: No it’s clearly how- Okay fine, right.
P: Look, this is a democracy, not a dictatorship. D: There’s two of us. How the f*ck is a democracy gonna work? P: We decide together. D: It’s a jury. We have to have the unanimous decision. P: Ok, right.
D: Fine, you get the next call. P: Let me hold it.
D: How to strip if you’re Dan. P: It’s another one of you!
D: It’s literally me. It’s like how to identify yourself with your clothing. P: Why do they all look like you? (D: Black shirts.) P: “How to make an upside-down man costume,” P: “how to be a good husband,” “how to feed a snake,” “how to act depressed.” D: Okay wow um-
P: It is you. D: Okay…WikiHow, you need to stop coming for me. I feel like you’re coming for me. P: He’s wearing black and he’s saying-
D: My mental health and my fashion may or may not be related. D: What?
P: It said he’s wearing black P: and he’s like, “I wouldn’t wear a white t-shirt.” D: Which means it’s “how to act depressed.” D: But, it’s gonna be “how to feed a f*cking snake” isn’t it? *Ding ding* D: Oh, okay, fine.
P: There we go! D: THAT’SWHATHAPPENSWHENPHILGUESSES P: Exactly. See? P: Ugh! Jump-scare P: Who needs Five Nights at Freddy’s?
D: “How to traumatize Dan and Phil forever” Aaah P: I think that’s “how to-” D: “How to look in the mirror and go, ‘I am art. I’m not a human. I’m not just a lowly pleb like everyone else. I could sit in this frame and people would think about me at a museum I’m so beautiful.'” P: I don’t think that’s gonna fit in the box. D: Okay, well let’s just see. P: “How to decide if you should become a stripper.” D: Would you look good in a frame?
P: “How to do laughter yoga.” We’ve done laughter yoga! D: Right, we did that on the radio.
P: It was the dodgiest thing ever. D: It was the weirdest thing in the world.
P: Here’s a tiny clip: P: That was a weird time.
D: Bad times, to be honest. D: “How to love yourself.” It’s that! That’s what I was saying. It’s “how to love yourself.” It’s how to hold something up, look at yourself and go, ‘I love me’. P: I think it’s “laughter yoga”.
D: I think it’s “love yourself.” P: Really? D: Yeah. P: Is she screaming into a mirror? D: I don’t know. P: I LOVE MYSELF P: I think it’s yoga, but maybe it’s “reality TV.” D: I’m saying “love yourself.” You get to call because I thought that the last one was- P: Fine, “love yourself,” “love yourself.” *Fail* D: YOu- I SaID YoU- I literally just said you should go with your guess-
P: I know, but I thought- D: -because I agreed with you in the last one.
P: I thought I was being too pushy. D: Right, Phil gets two in a row now!
P: Let’s go- D: -“How to get on a reality TV.” F*ck. Right. P: Let’s go with my gut from now on. D: Right- “how to do Phil’s weird tongue thing while having long hair.” *tongue face* P: What is that? D: That’s when you laugh. You go, *another tongue face* P: I do not do that!
D: They know exactly what I’m talking about. P: Wh-what weird tongue face? D: You go like this- *weird face returns* P: No I don’t!
D: You do. You do. D: They know exactly what you’re talking about and I am exposing you right now. P: What? It does look a bit like me if I was a girl. D: …? P: “How to be a good entertainer…”
D: “How to survive in the woods.” D: ..which is obviously that. I mean let’s be real, it’s probably that. “How to be strong.” P: It’s obviously the entertainer one, right? D: “How to stop a sneeze- bite your tongue.” >:p P: Right, I’m thinking it might be “how to stop a sneeze” ’cause she’s doing her show and the sneeze has arrived. D: If you bite your tongue, does it stop a sneeze?
P: No. D: ‘Cause I think you’ve heard it before.
P: You need to tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue. That’s it. D: Or it your roof or someone else’s?
P: I don’t know, is that a yawn? D: I don’t know, but either way, this is up to you, Phil. P: “Entertainer”. D: -I’m gonna say sneeze- P: Yaas, okay! D: I would have got that wrong as well. What the heck? Okay, fine. P: “How to have a terrifing face-” D: “How to somehow you get paid for your art when you are seven years old.” P: “How to act silly with your boyfriend.” D: OO0O0O P: O0O00OO P: “How to talk dirty.” I think she’s talking dirty. She’s like, ‘yeah, show me those kneecaps. They’re covered in mud.’ P: ..Uhh, “how to do laughter yoga?..” D: (I just became celibate.) P: “How to do laughter yoga” again. D: Oh for foock’s sake- “how to spot a catfish.” It’s that- it’s definitely that. YO! I DON’T THINK YOU”RE ACTUALLY NICK JONAS! D: “Dirty in bed.” It’s talk dirty, not shout dirty.
P: I think- D: YEAH, YOU LikE THat? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH MY HAND? D: That would be weird art, but then this art isn’t great. P: I think it might be “act silly with your boyfriend.”
D: I’d go with “laughter yoga”, but it’s up to you. *fail* D: What the F-
P: That is the catfish??
D: -UCK? P: That does not make sense.
D: I mean, I mean- D: That’s what I mean- that was an entirely justified reaction.
P: It was. D: And I don’t care what you say, okay? P: WHEW D: Come for it.
P: This game. It’s always the thing it’s not you think it’s gonna be. D: “How to re-cast ‘Call Me by Your Name’ with ladies. P: Yeah, this looks like a loving embrace, right? D: I mean, it’s probably gonna be, “how to tell your friend that you murdered their dog”…or something like that… P: Yeah, well let’s see, let’s see.
D: “How to eat in Islam” P: “How to relax when you’re sick,” “how to get a lesbian girlfriend.” Just do it. D: “How to have Jehovah’s Witnesses go away.” D: ‘Bish if you don’t leave my house, I’m gonna throw you through the window!’ That’s what’s happening there. P: “It’s lesbian! *ding ding* D: Yes!
P: All right. We’ve got one. “How to- ” D: “-shove an eraser up a polar bear’s a$$.” P: haha that’s the only thing it could be.
D: Yeah P: I think it’s going to be “how to draw a polar bear.” D: “How to-” well, you know, obviously it has nothing to do with that. D: “How to tell a lie without being caught.
P: Hmm D: “How to lose your fear of being fired.” D: See, “lying without being caught” could be ‘erase any half-truths in your mind.’ P: Yes. Or ‘you saw a polar bear and it was this big.’ D: “How to lose your fear of being fired” D: The erasure could be you getting removed from your career. “How to get over writer’s block..” P: Writer’s block?
D: I mean it could be that. Like, ‘I really just want to write a fanfiction about a thiccc polar bear.’ P: ..yeah.. D: ..who has a$$ for days.. D: “How to be a good husband” which is probably that because it makes no sense. P: I-I’m on board with erasing the lie. Rub out the lie with the eraser. *fail* D: F*CK!
D: I was gonna say that, obviously.
P: We are never going to get to five. D: *&%$ #@^&* %*@# D: Okay, fine. We’ve got three, Phil. We’ve got three. P: We’ve got to get to five in a row. D: It’s going ok.. P: It’s meant to be a streak.
D: Five in a row- that’s literally never gonna happen. D: We should just try to get to five, Phil. P: (We did it last time!)
P: Right, fine. D: Right. What’s this one? “How to do finger guns at somebody who’s in love with a mouse on the floor.”
P: It’s just gonna be “how to make a girl laugh,” c’mon. D: “How to eat in Islam”
P: “How to turn a girl on when you’re only friends.” D: What the f*ck
P: With a finger gun.
D: Who’s googling this sh*t? D: “How to survive in the woods”… it’s obviously that. P: He’s got a dashing beanie. D: “How to incept people into thinking that Windows is a cool brand.” P: But maybe she’s nervous, right? He’s flirting with her. She’s like ‘don’t look at me.’ D: Or maybe she’s like, ‘I just- I love this person’ and he’s like, ‘haha an idiot!’ P: Right. “Turning on” or “nervous”? D: “Turning on.” *ding ding* D/P: Yes! D: Ok, finally one actually made sense.
P: Dan it’s you again. *laughing* P: It’s the story of your life.
D: Yeah, like are we gonna just see my death in five minutes?
P: “How to become good at knife fighting,” P: “how about to stand up for yourself,” “how to be sexually empowered”- D: -which was clearly the point of my last video- P: “How to work and study at the same time.”
D: Wow D: “Stand up for yourself.” Because- P: -yeah-
D: -people are laughing at you, there’s fat cats, there’s farting… *ding ding*
P: Two in a row! D: Thought that could have been “knife fight.” “How to tell your friend, ‘stop being a furry!'” D: ‘You’re not even wearing a suit, but just don’t do that in public.’ D: ‘Oh my God, Jennifer I can’t take you anywhere anymore!’ P: “How not to be cute when you’re about to be hit by a car.”
D: Yes. P: She’s doing it in the middle of the road.
D: Yes, that’s exactly what’s happening. P: Stop, look and listen.
D: Yes, I believe it, I believe it. P: *singing* When you’re out on the street- D: *whistling*
P: -use your head and then your feet. You gotta stop and think and you’ll be king of the road!
D: *continues whistling* P: Right. “How to make friends” Huhaha I thought it said “how to be constipated. ” D: -“as an overweight adult.” D: Just eat like so much fiber. P: “How to be a spy.” She could totally be a spy. You don’t know- D: “How to get over an anime addiction.” It’s obviously that.
P: Yeah. D: It’s someone going like, *anime voice* ‘nani?’ and he’s saying, ‘NOOOO!’ D: ‘For f*ck’s sake!! You live in UTAH!’ P: I think it might actually be that.
D: Okay, we’re all with you. P: Three in a row! Dan, you need to get two and then we win… the wOrLd D: “How to get over your fear of flying.” Get sloshed on a plane when you’ve got free drinks. P: I think it might be that or it might be “how to get free drinks on a plane.” D: Ooh, nice.
P: “How to deal with a love triangle.” P: She’s in love with a plane, a bottle, and a glass. P: She’s got that thing where she falls in love with inanimate objects. D: And that is a hard thing. I mean-
P: Like the girl who married Tetris. D: The plane thing would be a long-distance relationship. P: “How to choose a rigorous college schedule,” “how to write a comedy sketch,” “how to relax when you’re sick-” None of these fit.
D: I think it’s like, ‘airplane food, amirite?’ D: So it’s “comedy sketch.”
P: Are you sure?
D: That’s what I’d go with. P: This is important, Dan. D: What would you say, then? Whatwouldyousayyouhavetosay P: Okay, “comedy sketch.”
D: No, what would you SAY?! P: “Comedy sketch!”
D: Fine then, go. *fail* D: whAT thE- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCC D: Our neighbors are gonna be like, ‘what’s happening in there?’ D: We’re dying emotionally and it completely makes sense that we’re screaming. Right, fine. P: We were so close! I bet she’s like, ‘Oh! P: When one boyfriend’s away, my girlfriend will come over to drink, and then he will not see us.’ P: But now I get the girl.’ Just choose one! D: Wow. Where was that deduction ten seconds ago? P: I don’t know, I’m not Sherlock, am I? I look like him though. asdfghjkl D: I think it’s safe to say we’re not gonna get five in a row… P: Fine. Let’s try and get three in a row. The next three and if we don’t we’re going to hell. 🙂 P: *singing* “How to be a perv in secret!” “How to train spot,” “how to bird spot.” D: “How to look swaggy while looking at birds.” P: “How to start a cult.”
D: Obviously that.
P: Definitely. D: What is going on here? “Prevent identity theft,” “kick out a dangerous roommate,” D: “survive in a hotel.” Alright. “Start a cult.” P: I think- I think it’s “identity theft” because he’s like looking for the spy. D: Who’s the person?
P: Who’s the impostor? D: Yes D: So “cult” could be looking for people to join, “dangerous roommate” could be like, D: ‘where is he? I need to kick him out. Where’s he hiding?’ P: We’re so bad at this, guys. P: I- I don’t-I don’t know…Let’s do- we said “identity theft”-
D: I didn’t pick that, but I’m with you. P: If we get this wrong, we’re going to hell, though. *fail* D: What the- I mean I already was, but still like-
D: -but like omg D: Can you not? Right. We’ll do one more, one more- P: -Metaphorical hell, not real hell. D: P: One more.
D: You need to hold up a frame and look in the mirror, Phil.
P: One more! D: Alright, one more, and I swear to God I’m gonna- P: Oh!
D: Okay! P: “How to eat your girlfriend.” D: Yes. “How to get your girlfriend into vore slowly, with little nibbles.” P: It’s Attack on Titan.
D: “How to ask a girl to dance”
P: “How to turn a girl on.” D: Okay, by biting her ribs.
P: It’s gonna be that. D: It’s gonna be “how to sue for emotional distress.” P: Probably.
D: ‘But you made me laugh too much D: and I’m trying to be cool and aloof here, so I can’t just be laughing.’ P: That is not a way to ask a girl to dance.
D: It’s not. P: ‘Hello. Would you take this dance?’ nomononom D: haisd ksjdi mmgg yeah, um D: …for any of the boys that google all this tragic stuff, that’s not true.
P: Nope. D: Okay, right. “Turn a girl on.”
P: Yeah, it’d be that. *ding ding* P: Yes. One more, and we’re getting into heaven. “How do look at pictures of pants.” P: I don’t want to know what the options are on this one. D: “How to send dirty texts.” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) P: That must- that must be it!
D: “How to start doing stand-up comedy”- ‘pants, amirite?’ “How to motivate yourself.” D: ‘One day, I will look great in these speedos,’ or “how to read people.” D: Just imagine them all in their underwear.
P: He looks like he’d already be quite confident in speedos, so-
D: -yes- P: -I’m feeling like it’s “dirty texts.”
D: Is that a dirty text face? (Or is that an unmotivated face?)
P: Yeah, he’s like- P: ‘hey, guess what I look like in my pants? D: 3, 2, 1…*ding ding* P: Yes! D: -ucking, okay, fine. Abort. Stop, Stop. Stop. We’ve done it. It’s great. It’s wonderful. It’s amazing- P: Yes! We win.
D: -kings of the game, kings of WikiHow, kings of art. Thank you very much. P: I don’t know why I chose heaven and hell as the punishments today, but… D: Yeah well, you know we got two right at the end there, that redeemed us, but we’re still gonna burn forever in hell. P: That was fun! I enjoyed that!
D: That was… P: It’s a weird glimpse into humanity, as usual-
D: It’s like the joy of the weird Google games with critiquing art as well which we know nothing about P: Yeah, so if you enjoyed that and wanted to do it again one day, give us a- D: oooonot for a while IIIIiIill ’cause I’m a bit tilted right now. You can subscribe for that whenever it comes though. Check out our ojdydfdus over there and our other channels over there and moral of the day:
P: Come see us on tour! It’ll be a great time! D: Really, Phil? You had to just end this with a perfect-
P: -they’ll love it!