HomeArticlesWHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY?! – Dan vs. Phil: Google Feud
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY?! – Dan vs. Phil: Google Feud
August 13, 2019
D:-Hi! P:- Hello! Dan and Phil Games search engines. D:-Search engines? P:-Yeah, you know all my secrets now. D:-Now? They already do Phil. (P:- That’s scary to think.) P:-Aaaaaaaah! D:-Let’s talk about our tee-shirts; you are wearing, a Christmas tee-shirt! P:-I’m easing into Christmas with a Christmas tee-shirt, (D:-Nice!) that means I won’t turn into a ball of sweat while filming this video D:-Where as I am wearing a very seasonally appropriate, and on brand Earl sweatshirt. P:-How is that called seasonally appropriate?(D:- Er, floral, thing) D:-Don’t hate Phil. P:- Christmas in Hawaii maybe? D:-It’s who i am after having played Pokemon Moon. P:-Right. D:-So what are we playing today Phil?! P:-Let’s load it up. *table tapping* P:-I just tapped on the table pretending I was doing some ‘lite hacking skills. P:-We’re playing Google Feud! D:-Woooooow! D:-Let’s take a moment to appreciate that new Google logo font. P:-I know! D:-With that obnoxious E on the end. P:-That must have spent a long time. just all of those planning meetings. to shift the E. (D:-Yeah.) P:-Yeah. D:-Look at that E, its like calm down, you know what I mean? *Phil laughs* P:-Should we just make a video about that E? (D:- It’s like) D:-It’s like what did I do to you? We don’t know each other that well and yet here you are. You’re just up in my face and I think you just need to bring it down a notch. P:-It’s like the fun auntie at a wedding. D:-Totally. P:-bit wayward. D:-Just an E on the end, you’re the E on the end of life. P:-Am I? Thanks. D:-So what’s the game Phil? P:-Well you’re given a question(D:-Yup) that will be put into google(uh-huh) and then it’s got a space in the end and you have to decide what the majority of humanity have been searching for. D:-Have been Googleing P:-Kind of like Family Fortunes. D:-Oh right, so I’d be like; how much is a? And you have to guess that- P:-Bagel! MacBook! D:-…euthanasia session… P:-*concerned laugh* D:-Is up there. P:-Yeah, you have to check. and we’re also going to be doing it as a … *explosions*DAN VS. PHILLLL*explosions* D:-On no level was there any words Phil. P:-When you slow it down you’ll see the words. *slow-mo*DAAAN VS. PHHILLL!!! D:-I think that would just sound even weirder slowed down-I’m sure you’ve realized that.*Phil chuckles* D:-All Right! So uh I mean the board’s over there. P:-It’s over there, you know what it’s like. D:-It’s so much energy to go drag it across the room. P:-We can’t drag it over here, you know the board. D:-The more time passes, the worse the decision to use a bit of our dining table instead of just card board increases. P:-Yeah. D:-But you’re going down mate! P:-NO! I’m good at this. D:-Is this like fast typing or just guessing? P:-It’s just guessing. D:-Okay thank God! P:-So–
D:-Because if you had to use this keyboard, you’d be screwed Phil. P:-That keyboard is so annoying, (D:- It’s amazing) I don’t understand how to use it! *Dan smashing the keyboard* P:-aaaaaaah! *computer seizing* *keyboard mashing* P:-You’ve broken everything! *clicking* P:-Stop! Stop! D:-It sounds great though doesn’t it? P:-Oh my God-so we’re going to do 5 rounds
D:-uh-huh and who ever gets the most points wins.
D:- Is the winner Yea! D:-The loser SUCKS! P:-I’m gonna make a note with pen and paper, like what even is this? Because it’s meant for– D:-We-we’re on a computer Phil. P:-It’s meant to be a one player game. D:-We’re on a computer, we don’t need to- he’s doing pen and paper. Okay, why not? It’s that old school flash bizzle You know how it is. D:- Right!
P:-Dan vs. Phil D:-*laughs*Oooooo! Ugh I don’t- don’t wanna just be Dan and Phil I’m I’m Team Shibe. P:-Team Shibe D:-You know it. P:-Vs D:- *little howl* The Destroyer. D:-Obviously, *Phil giggles* there we go, Right! so; culture, people, names, and questions. P:-I’m gonna go with questions. D:-And our first question! P:-Round one! D:-To kick this off: P:-Is has a dog ever beeen…? D:-Has a dog. Ever been? *Phil laughs* D:-That is the real question. (P:-Okay) are dogs just a figment of our minds.*existential crisis* P:-Have they been. I *chuckle* my first guess is: to space. *keyboard clicking* D:-Oh my God, that’s definitely in it. P:-Yes! D:-Number 7 P:-Wooo 4,000 points for (D:-Nice!) Team Destroyer. D:-Now I’m thinking what kind of dark hole does your mind go down when you’re on the internet late at night? I’m saying eaten! *Phil Laughs, mildly ashamed* D:-Ooooooooh! Noooo! P:-Well I’m glad that is not there.
D:-Okay, well my mind is especially darker than most peoples’ P:-Has a dog beeeen…intelligent. *typing* D:-intelligent? *typey typing* D:-That’s not gonna be there. P:-NO! D:-Double ER! (P:-ER!) D:-Right has a dog, ever been gay? NOOOOO! DAMMIT! P:-There are lots of gay animals out there. D:-Oh there was–
P:-Oh my God! Bred with a cat was number one! D:-Knighted Mayor *Phil laughs* D:-Awarded the medal of honor, cloned, hit by lightning, to the top of Mount Everest, elected mayor, or eaten by a shark P:-I like that there’s two about a dog being mayor, I would totally vote for a dog to be mayor. D:-And nobody asked if a dog had been eaten or gay? P:-Yea! D:-What is wrong with people?! P:-I’ve seen a lot of gay lions. D:-Alright let’s keep this going! P:-Right! Next one; where can you sell a? *Dan chuckles* D:-Hmmmmmm Right! Do I wanna be funny or do I wanna get the points. P:-I mean how much do you wanna win? D:-I mean okay…phhhone P:-Ohoo! I guess that’s a good one. D:-7,000 P:-7,000 for Dan, right okay. D:-I was gonna say body to be funny but that wouldn’t have been on the list. P:-It might be on the list! P:-My mind is going to boat, but I’m gonna say it like. D:-Boat!? Why would most people have a boat that they could sell? P:-I’m gonna say cat. *clicking of keys* P:-Oh! D:-Oooooh! P:-I thought that would be there, loads of people sell cats all the time! D:-See again, now I just wanna go; baby, but instead I’m gonna go car. P:-Oh! That’s so obvious D:-So obvious and boring, yes Phil, yes it is. P:-Where can you sell aaaa *Raspy voice* D:-Soul! P:-Soul! It might be there. D:-Go on then type it. P:-I’m not typing soul! D:-oooh! D:-Oooooooh! P:-House! *click click* P:-Boring answer. WHAT!? *Dan’s laugh of pure joy* P:-How is that not there!? D:-Rekt! Here we go. Soul… Oooooh D:-Shoot okay P:-A testicle for money? *Insert Phil’s nervous laughter here* D:-Fuck off!
P:-That can’t be the top one!! D:-What is this game? This is not google! P:-A wedding dress, a prom dress– D:-Oh! I should have said broken phone. P:-Ooooooh! D:-That’s s–a fur coat…where can you sell a gift card, lol you cheapskates. P:-The most people want to sell a testicle for money. D:-I mean you got two, why not. P:-Yea, might as well get rid of one
D:-Get some cash get rid of a kidney at the same time, maybe one nostril.
D:-Badabing. One eye, one ear D:-Half your face, just be a Mr.Half P:-I’m Mr.Halfson welcome! I’m don’t know what he’s welcoming someone to. *Phil laughs* P:-Right. Let’s do another one. Harry Potter and the… It’s me first! D:-Yup P:-Philos–oh my God how do you spell philosophers D:-This is the question Phil, you chose to be ambitious P:-Prisoner of Azkaban*laughs* D:-Oooh! ’cause you know to spell that. *tik tik tik tik * D:-Prisdonber. P:-Azkaban.*giggle* D:-And you’re sure that’s how you spell Azkaban Phil? P:-Yes! What!? How is that not there? and the fan fiction with Ron D:-Cursed Child P:-Come on D:-Savage, why didn’t you think of that? P:-I don’t know! D:-Ah! Phil Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s, it’s not gonna be there! The Azkaban wasn’t there! D:-Ooooh, but Cursed Child was. ooooo P:-Harry Potter and the…Half blood Prince! Everyone loves The Half Blood Prince! D:-Oh but Phil, is there an apostrophe-I mean dash in half blood? P:-No! Woohoo!!! D:-Alright, alright, I’m just gonna go with Deathly Hallows. P:-Oh, please don’t be number one Aaaah that’s even better *Dan laughing maniacally* *Maniacal laughter* D:-I love how Prisoner of Azkaban wasn’t- P:-You just turned into Voldemort right there. D:-N that would be like*smushs nose* *laughing with flat noses*
P:- Hahaha, Potter… Oh no wait that’s Snape. D:-*deep voice*Avada Kedavra D:-Finally! And your last go Phil. P:-Harry Potter and the… D:-Messy night out. P:-Chamber of (D:-Red)Secrets(Kinks) D:-Okay P:-4,000 D:-Pfffft Like we’re just naming the books now. Goblet of Fire~~ OOoooooh! Ooooh!
P:-Did I spell the other one wrong? D:-Probably, I don’t care. P:-Harry Potter and-I’m going for it. It’s called the Sorcerer’s Stone in America though, isn’t it? D:-It is. P:-Oh! I’m gonna do that. *click clack* No! Yea! D:-This is an emotional roller coaster. P:-How do you spell sorcerer?! Sor- *Phil laughs* -cerer. D:-English Language degree everybody. P:-Stone. Is it called the Sorcerer’s Stone or the Sorcerer’s Rock? In America? D:-It’s the Sorcerer’s Pebble P:-Sorcerer’s… D:-It’s the Saucepan Boulder P:-WOOHOO!!! D:-Whaaaaat!? P:-Yes! I spelt it right! Whaaaat!? D:-*Screw-diddly-you
P:-10,000 smackers right in my ears! P:-Phone-ix Is that all of the books? D:-Uuuuuh…nope!*laughs* P:-You’re a bigger Harry Potter fan than me! D:-Yea i am! You spelled Azkaban right. P:-So what is missing? Harry Potter and the Fanfiction. *keyboard sounds* D:-No space?! Phil! (P:– What?) P:-Okay you try it with the space! D:-Mmmmmmmmm*click click*mmmmmmm mmmmmmm*tik tik tik*mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Both:- Aaaaaaaah P:-Oh, what was it missing than? D:-Cursed Child movie, Sorcerer’s Stone movie, Sorcerer’s Stone book D:-Shut up!
P:- I would never have got that P:-What was that? D:-Shut up! P:-Right another one. D:-Shut up! People. P:-Okay, people! D:-How to look. P:-How to look. D:-Now it’s my turn. D:-SEXY!!!!!!!!!! What!!?? What!? (P:- Hey!) Humanity you fail me. P:-Is that just what you search Dan? D:- *cries* Ye-e-s P:-How to look pretty.
D:- Hella sick *all the clicks* P:-Yes! D:-Laaaame! P:-That’s another 10,000 for me. D:-Cooool. D:-WHAT!?*laughing* *Both laughing* P:-How to look… D:-He’s doing it, what a mad lad. *collective* OOoooooh! P:-Older, hot, younger, oh hot! Cute. D:-Older, younger…ffff
P:How to look for lice. D:-For bed bugs.
P:- *being disgusted by bed bugs* (Come on Phil) D:-How to look sick, stop trying to get time off work! Right! I reckon; back to questions. P:-Okay. D:-’cause they were quite funny. Both:-Where can i buy… Human! P:-Skin! D:-Go on then type it in Phil. P:- Why did my mind go to skin? Type it in, believe in your weird psyche, do it! Do it! Skin! P:-Wait! Wait! Sha shaba ba BAAA!!! Don’t try to psych me out. Where can I buy human hair? Like for a wig. D:-That’s really creepy Phil. I don’t know who would want human hair. P:-Human babies! (Sorry, what?) *laughs* D:-Yes! Type it, I bet people say that. P:-You’ve got one in your head that’s why. D:-No I don’t. P:-Human…tears.*Phil laughing* *Phil laughter* D:-Fuck Phil, where is your mind going? P:- I don’t know The real Phil is being revealed to us. P:-I’m just listing everything on the Black Market. Right! Okay!! Human hair. D:- Ugh damn it thats gonna be number one. Both:-Ooooh! P:-8,000. Thank you creepy people buying human hair. except for wigs. D:-Human lips that’s what I need am I right? Tears. P:-Teeth. D:-Organs. P:-That can’t be there please no. D:-Human friends. P:-Go on then. D:-That’s what I’d Google.*Phil laughing* Fuck what’s it gonna be. P:-10 hours later. 17 years late–
D:-You’re distracting me immensely right now. P:-It’s been 84 years (Titanic? Really Phil? It’s not like we needed our hearts or anything) D:-Teeth. Ooooh! Solid. P:-Who is searching for that?!
D:- Solid D:-Tooth Fairy. P:-Oh, yea! D:-Don’t kink shame her. P:-Right! 6,000. Where can i buy humannnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nAAAAAA! Human dolls? Like those weird living dolls. D:-Oooh! Valid. P:-Nooo!
D:-OOooh! P:-We watched a documentary about people that dress as dolls it was really weird. D:-Beings! Dammit!! P:-Skin! *keybaord clicks* *collective*Oooooh* Dan:-MEAT!!!!! *obviously disgusted*
P:-Meat!!! *Traumatized by the grotesqueness* D:-Meat!?!?!?!?!?!? *voice crack*(attractive Daniel) D:-Human Grade Diatomaceous Earth. P:-Yea, because I search for that a lot.
D:- Hair extensions, teeth D:-Bones! Hair wigs, hair near me, human race shoes. P:-And breast milk. D:-That’s the most disturbing round yet. Yea (P: I’m soo disturbed) I’m so horrified. P:-What are you searching for? D:-Judging you all right now to be honest. P:-Final Round! Both:-Why is my goldfish…*laughs* P:-Crying. D:-I go first, dead? Both:-OOooooooo ooooooo(D:-For frick!)oooooo! (Daniel, why are you grabbing at you chest?) P:-Actually my goldfish Frank died after 16 years, I haven’t announced it on the internet. D:-That’s really old though. P:-He lived for so long! D:-How long are goldfish supposed to live for? P:-I don’t know, like 3 years? He was gonna be in the Guinness World Records. D:-That means that means he’s like a 1,000 year old human, Phil. P:- Yeah P:- Let me just have a moment of silence for Frank. Haaaaaaaaa! Hopefuly he’ll imbue me with some knowledge! RIght! Why is my gold fish… D:-Sorry for, like, bringing that up Phil. P:-It’s okay, I’m gonna cry later.
D:- Didn’t even score any points with it Floating. *click clackity click* P:-Yesss!
D:- Instantly regretting his decisions, or Phil stole his next answer* *Phil laughing* P:-I can imagine little kids being like; why is why is Larry floating? Oh yes. Oh yes. D:-Not eating. *tik tik tak* D:-Oh frick me trying to– what was that face? P:-It was my excitement. One of mine got black spots on it so maybe. why is my goldfish… *awkward silence for the next 4 seconds * Dying? *clickity click click* D:-What!?Are you- are you kidding me!?(P:-6,000 points) Are you kidding me? D:-Upside down D:-Oh!
P:- Yees!!!!! Black, turning black, turning-you were right with the spots.
P:- I was- P:-I should have guessed that! Yea. D:-Breathing at the top of the tank, white, water cloudy, why is my goldfish shaking? P:-It’s too cold, turn up the heat. D:That was an epic fish flop, for me right there. P:-It was blop blop blop. D:-What can I say, I’ve never owned a goldfish. How can I relate? Were it, uh, why is my hamster, then I would have been like: escaping, betraying me, leaving me despite me giving all my love to it!
P:-Dan- Dan it’s okay Where did it go!?
P:- DAN SUKI! SUKI WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!!!!!????? D:-We both went a bit too far. P:-I feel like we went too far. D:-With the pets in that round, let’s draw this to a close. P:-Yeah. P:- Right!
D:-So Phil time to show off your math skills! P:-Okay I’m gonna work out the answers. *Dan grabs paper* D:-This is when the phone can get, its, uh, thing back. What is 7,000 add 3,000 add 9,000 add 6,000 add 8,000 add 7,000 add 3,000 P:-So Team Shibe; D:- 43,000 P:-And Team Destroyer; D:-Let’s see. P:-I wanna do it. What is 4,000+6,000+4,000+10,000+10,000+8,000+7,000+6,000? Siri:-The answer is 51,000. D:-NOOOOOOOO (P:-YEEEEES!) *incredibly high pitched* 51,000 D:-The goldfish lost it for me. D:-Darn diddly arn. P:-Not gonna be getting a goldfish anytime soon. D:-Good ’cause clearly I’d have no idea what to do if it started turning weird colours. P:-Bring the board in. D:-Ugh. P:- BABABA
D:- *singing?* Like a goldfish AAAA
D:- serenely BA
D:- floating BA
D: into DAAAAAA
D:- sharks! I will bring you the board~~ D:-Ugh P:-BABABABABABABABAAAAAA P:-Wait I’ve got; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 I’m catching up guys! I said I’d catch up! And I’m almost on you Dan. D:-I’m scared. P:-Look out.
D:– *exasperated laugh* The master’s back in action.*Dan chuckling* D:-Alright calm the frick down Phil. P:-So excited. D:- What do you think we’ve learned from this video? I feel like the human race is much more depressing and weird than I already thought they were. P:-Why are they selling their testicles? D:-I don’t know-why- P:-What’s happening? D:-People Google the weirdest shit. I am just looking at that E(P:-Don’t- don’t eat other humans!)look at that E! It’s glaring at us. P:-Leave the E alone. D:-It’s mocking me P:-It’s gonna be googling why does Dan hate me in a minute. D:-I’m comin’ for you E. I’m coming for you. P:-Stop it! P:-So thanks for watching if you liked Google Feud; give it a give it a thumbs up! We might(D:-click)play it again i the future.(Yes!) D:-Tap the little circle down there to subscribe to our channel so you can see future Dan vs. Phils where I beat Phil. P:-You’re not gonna beat me. D:-Ooooh. Let’s see.
P:- You wait and see P:-The last video is over there. Hope you’re having a Google-riffic day D:- *monotone* Bye