HomeArticlesTIS BUT A FLESH WOUND!! | Half Dead w/ Wade, Jack, Bob
TIS BUT A FLESH WOUND!! | Half Dead w/ Wade, Jack, Bob
August 11, 2019
*said the leprechaun* Mark: Is this like the movie, The Cube? Jack: Yeah Wade: Yeah. Thats what I’ve been told but I’ve never seen it, sooo.. Wade: -only I’ve been told that… I dunno know. Mark: The Cube is literally like a grid of cubes and each room can kill you Wade: Yeah, basically that’s it. Jack: Control isn’t crouch? Mark: Wait what’s crouch?
Bob: There is, isn’t it? Mark: I dunno what crouch is. Jack: I’m not crouching. Mark: I don’t think there is a crouch. Wait- Wade: I don’t remember how to throw shoes. Jack: Someone’s floating through the air though when they do that. Bob: [laughing] Somebody just threw their shoe! Mark: [Jokingly] Well f*ck you man… F*ck you… Jack: Take my piece of’ sh*t shoe! Mark: [moans halfheartedly and laughs] Wade: HEY! Wade: WHO THROWS A SHOE? Honestly! Mark: [More laughs] M: SHABOOSHKY! B: There’s a bunch right here on the floor J: Ah, there we go. [laughing and inaudible words] M: Oh wait my shoe! Give me my shoe back. B: Both of these directions suck. They’re both red. Is that good or bad? M: Uh huh. B: Seems bad. M: Should I try it?
W: Well, we’re in a corner. Look at the mini map. B: I know, that’s what I’m saying. B: The directions we have to go are either here– M: OOOHH it’s locked W: Let’s go this way! M: Okay yeah that’s right okay. M: Alright who’s first? B: Oh. M: I’ll go!
J: I- I’ll go- Aww. W: Somebody throw it B: uh…
W: um… J: Is it safe? M: Seems ok guys! J: There’s a demo–THERE’S A DEMON!! B: OH MY GOD! OH JESUS! M: WELL, that can’t be that good! J: Bye!!! [Jack and Bob laughing] M: You guys are assholes! M: See, I’m fine here… M: I’m not dead. M: If you think I’m dead I’m not
W: Oh I thought Jack was in there that was Mark M: Yeah I’m not dead guys. B: Ohh my god he’s just walking around! M: You losers- -You loser assholes. J: It’s okay! M: See? And this room’s good too! M: You bunch of cowards think- J: Nice! M: -you can be all OoOoo! B: AHH B: Oh, it’s you and me Mark. J: Ok, how do we– W: Alright Jack, we’ll go our own way. M: Oh that doesn’t look good.
J: I’m goin this way! I’m not goin with any of y- [Bob and Jack yelling] M: AHHHHH! HA HE HE HU HUE
J: OHHHKAY! Wade: Ha ha [Bob laughing] [explosion]
M: …oh okay M: [giggling] J: Lead ’em on, Wade! [Wade screaming] M: Wade–stay in there, Wade! Stay in there, Wade! M: [laughing] Stay in there Waade! [all laughing] [explosion] J: You just made it! B: So why don’t we just run in and then run out of all these rooms? J: Yeah. B: AHHH! B: AHHH!
J: F*ck sake! J: Stupid doors! B: How do you open these?
W: Go ahead… W: …try that strategy out. M: E!
W: Run- run up to the middle of each room and run back. M: No, No, No! You guys are a bunch of cowards! M: You walk in and bravely face what you got!
J: Yeah, okay. M: You deal with the cards that you’re dealt with… M: Uh Oh
W: NO HO HO HO HO! W: NO HO HO HO HO! M: UH M: Guys? GUYS– Mark: OH GOD
[Everyone laughs at Mark] M: AAAAAAHH! [Laughter continues] M: NOOOO! HELP ME! MY CARDS SUCK!! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!! M: Guys, I think it’s okay… Bob: I kind of want to see what’s happening… M: Okay, I’m dead.
B: I kind of want to see what’s happening… M: I’m dead. [chuckling] Alright. B: [Sarcastic] Aww I thought you were gonna make it. J: I CHOOSE THIS ROOM! M: [HUEHUEHUE] B: [giggles] I’ll just watch from over here… [Mark and Bob giggling] J: Hey, the room I chose was good! J: Yaaaay!
M: Yeah! M: Not bad!
B: Alright, let’s go He’s probably lying, hang on… W: Can you spectate, Mark? M: Yeah, I’m spectating you, Wade. W: Okay. M: You go in next.
J: Okay, you get to choose where we go, then. J: Okay, you get to choose where we go, then. W: Alright, I’m going here! B: No, Mark gets to- W: OH NO this is a pink roo- M: I don’t get to choose shit…
W: OH NO this is a pink roo- M: I don’t get to choose shit…
W: oh god, well… B: Have fun, Wade! M: Oh, that doesn’t look good! W: Wait, is this the exit!? M: HEEEEEEEY! M: HEEEEEEEY!
B: What? M: WOOOOAAAH! J: OK, DANCE, BOY!! B: Yaaaaay… M: [In a happy tone] I’m dead- but I got the most score! I got the biggest score!! B:This is true! W: [chuckling] You were one room off of winning. J: How does that help? M: You know what– J: All bad rooms. M: Shut up. I think it’s fine. J: Dude, check out this sick music. Dooo! Doo! M: I can’t hear anything. J: Everyone vote!
M: I can’t hear anything. Mark: Where, what do we do?
Wade: Soooo- Bob: How do you vote? Jack: Your mouse shows up on screen when you wiggle it enough. Bob: Oh.
Mark: I didn’t know what we were voting on. Jack: If someone dies this time, they get to choose where we go. Mark: Ok.
Wade: This is a small map, we can do a bigger map. Mark: We’ll do it later. Mark: I wanna get the feel for it.
Jack: I- I think we’re ok for now. Mark: Alright Bob: Do you want me to go first this time? I haven’t done it yet. Wade: Go ahead, Bob.
Jack: Yeah. Go.
Mark: Go Bob Bob: I’m not gonna move. Jack: Oh, you’re both girls now. Wade: You got a checkmark, Bob, good work!
Mark: Ooh. Jack: Yeah, you got a good room, Bob.
Mark: Yay! Bob: I’m a genius. Mark: Bob, you the best. Jack: Me and Bob are one for one right now. Mark: Alright
Bob: Yeah, baby. Wade: We have 2 Howie Mandels-
Mark: Bob! Mark: Bob! Oh, you’re so good and brave! Bob: Oh, yeah…
Jack: Ah, you’re such… Jack: It’s- it’s the bald head.
Bob: Oh, god, oh yeah. Jack: Get under me, Bo- get over me Bob.
Mark: Oh my god. Bob: This is the one I choose.
Wade: Mark is the one to go now. Mark: *giggles* Me?
Jack: Somebody has to pick a room next. Mark: Alright…
Wade: Yeah, Mark’s up. Mark: Alright, I got this, guys. Mark: You big bubble-blowing babies. Watch this.
Wade: Watch the green room.. [Jack laughs]
Mark: Aw sh*t. Well
Bob: Ohhhhkaay Jack: Exact same thing as last time.
[Bob laughs] Mark: I dunno about this one, guys.
[Bob still laughing] Bob: I think it’s fine. Bob: I think it’s gonna be fine.
Jack: See ya later. Mark: Guys ke- I feel so lonely in here. [Jack laughs] Bob: We’re tryna open it back up. Bob: Hang on, we-
Jack: The red- Wade: Yeah
Jack: The red- Mark: AH, OH GOD!
Jack: On the map may- Bob: Oh my god!
Wade: Oh. Mark: The f*ck happened?
Bob: Oh jesus. Wade: Oh. Jack: Woah!
Mark: Ohhh. I exploded into pieces.
Bob: Kay. Jack: Okay!
Wade: So does that mean (its) Jack’s turn? Mark: Uhhhh Jack: Sure!
Bob: Sure ya. Mark: Oh geez [giggles]
Jack: Uhhhh. Jack: This way. I choose this one. Wade: Alright Jack.
Jack: See ya later, guys. Jack: I’m off, I’m off to the war.
Bob: Oh, it’s yellow, it’s yellow.. Wade: OH!! Wade: Look out Bob! Mark: Woah
Bob: AH!! AH!! Bob: AH!! AH!! Jack: Ha HAHH!!
[Mark giggles] Jack: This game is on MY side.
[Mark laughs] Jack: I got a check mark.
[Mark laughs] Wade: Yeah, but we almost got cooked. Bob: Man, that thing was really pissed at us for not coming in with you. Mark & Jack: Yeah. Bob: This time I’m-
Wade: That means it’s me? Jack: Yeah, and then after that Mark gets to choose. Mark: Guys, I got a good feeling about that door. Mark: I got a good feeling, Wade. Mark: That one’s a good one. Wade: I do too. Mark: Yeah
Wade: What? Jack: No! Jack: Demon, demon chainsaw man.
Mark: Nah, it’s fine. Mark: It’s fine. He’s easy.
Bob: Oh. B: He laughs.
J: Dude he-he looks like the guy from Daft Punk. Mark: Ohhhh. Wade: He’s very daft. Mark: He looks like Genji, with his head.
Jack: He kinda do. Mark: Ya lil’ bit.
Bob: AH! Bob: He’s coming towards me. Bob: Oh Jesus Jack: It’s motorcycle Genji. Jack: You- sir? Jack: Sir, not over there. Agh I’m locked out again. Wade: Time for you to despawn motorcycle-Genji! Wade: Yeah, there we go.
Mark: There we go. Wade: Alright Mark, you get to pick a room ( M: I- ) for one of us. Mark: *I* get to pick? Oh ok. Mark: Well, you guys know how good my picking skills are so, umm..
Bob: Yeah yeah yeah. Wade: So is it Mark’s turn? Is Mark making one of us go into a room of his choice?
M: I’m gonna say- I say east Mark: I say East. East is what I think. Bob: Alright.
Wade: Who’s gonna go in? Bob: I was gonna volunteer to go. I was letting Mark pick, but I was volunteering to go. Mark: Oh ok. Bob, I appreciate you, I appreciate you.
Wade: Oh, Bob’s volunteering. Jack: We’ll go in a cycle.
[Bob yelps] Mark: Ah it’s demon man.
Jack: The same again? Demon man, really?
B: Hey buddy. Bob: Hey friend.
Mark: He ain’t nothin’. Jack: He aint shit.
Wade: Alright, c’mon, Bob! Jack: Dude, I really like the lense flares going on. That’s cool. Mark: Yeah, JJ Abrams in here.
Bob: Will you just despawn already, you motherfucker? Wade: No, noo… Jack: Goddammit, door!
Bob: Hey, guys. Bob: So, Jack picks–
Wade: So, Bob, you get to pick now? Bob: Yeah, I’ll pick again. I’m feelin’ lucky man, I’m feelin’ it.
Wade: Alright Mark: Yeah, Bob’s got– Bob got in the way
Bob: I’m going– I’m stickin’ with east (x2), f*ck it. Mark: Nice. Good move, good move.
Wade: I like it. Dedicated. Jack: Isn’t that north? [chuckles]
Bob: Ok. Mark: No that’s east!
Bob: Uhhh.. Jack: But we just came from this one!
Wade: Did you just throw a shoe? [chuckles] Mark: Hey! We said no shoes!
Bob: Nooooo. Bob: I’m totally fine. Bob: Yeah, I’m the best at this game!
Jack: That naw- Jack: That doesn’t count, that doesn’t count. Bob: Why doesn’t that count? Jack: You threw a shoe, you- you- You disobeyed the rules. Ooh!
Bob: I went inside the room and then I threw a shoe. Jack: Exit next, right? ‘Cause there’s pinks on the ground? Wade: Maybe?
Jack: No? Is that how that works? Wade: I don’t know. Wade: You’re up Jack, so you pick it. Jack: Hello?
Wade: That’s a safe room. Jack: Ah, balls! Ah, balls!
Mark: Oh no! OH NO! Jack: Oh no, IT’S THE THING THAT– AHHHHH!!
Mark: Oh no!
B: Oh no! Oh god no! Jack: I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE!!
[Mark laughs] Bob: Run in circles!
Jack: I don’t like it! I’m trying! I’m movin’! Jack: I’m being cooked. It doesn’t matter. Wade: You’re gonna be fine, Jack!
Jack: It’s all over. It’s all death. I’m dead. F*ck.
M: That’s a lot of screaming goin’ on there. Bob: Ohhh
Mark: Hey look, free shoes!
Jack: Hey, my shoes are green. Bob: Yeah, can I get those? Bob: I’d love some shoes. Jack: Aw, man.
Wade: That, uhh, the cage never goes away. Bob: Alright, where’ya going, Wade? Wade: Well, the only other direction we can. (chuckles) Bob: Spedicey is dead now. Wade: WOOOOO!!
Jack: That better have been the fucking- Wade: AHHH!!
[Mark and Jack laugh] Bob: Oh no! Wade: AGH!
Jack: Oh god. Bob: Oh my god! Jack: JESUS!
Mark: OH BOY!
Wade: AHHHH!! Bob: Holy shit! Mark: Oh boy! Jack: So Bob, you have to go back. Mark: Yeah, Bob, you got the luck here.
Jack: Go back to the orange one. Mark: You got the luck. You’re doing good.
Wade: Oh my god, I’m dead. Bob: I-I’m pretty sure you died there, buddy. Wade: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah. Bob: Alright.
Jack: Well Bob- Jack: -found two chainsaw dudes so- Mark: Yeah, keep going, Bob, you got this. Bob: I-I’ve got- you know what? Bob: East really betrayed us as a team, I’m gonna go weast. Mark: Yeah, I-I agree. Mark: I agreast
*Jack chuckles* Bob: I think- I think weast is the way. Mark: Yeah Bob & Wade: Pink. Bob & Mark: Pink’s good. Mark: Pink’s good. Bob: Ah ah ah ah. Jack: Checkmark?
Bob: Yeah? Mark: Niiiiccee.
Jack: Yah! Yah!
[Wade laughs] Mark: [joining Jack] Neeyeah! Yeah!
Jack: ‘Got it. [Mark and Jack laugh]
Bob: Okay, my instinct was to go north, Bob: so fuck that.
Jack: Nyah Mark: Yeah, exactly.
Bob: So wait, what do– what do you guys pick? Bob: We can still rotate who picks. Mark: No, no you got this buddy, it’s all you.
Bob: I can’t take all the glory. Wade: Yeah.
Jac: We believe in ya, Howie! Mark: Although I think that’s next to the one we started
Bob: Oh. Mark: at so I doubt that’s going to be the exit. Jack: Yeah, bold choice! Wade: Yeah, it could be. Green is good, maybe.
Jack: Bold choice! Jack: Now you have to go through it.
Bob: I’m not gonna- Mark: Yeah, nah, yeah, nah.
Jack: No, stop bein’ a pussy! Mark: No, no, no, Bob, you be the biggest pussy you wanna be. You-you-you stick with what you do.
B: Ok! Jack: *laughs* Instant death!
*Wade and Mark laugh* Jack: C’mon death!
Wade: What color’s this one? Mark: Green!
Bob: Oh shiiiit. Wade: Green again. Mark: What do the colors – Ahh, you got boned. [Bob starts panicking]
Jack: Lasers! [Bob continues to panic]
Mark: That don’t seem good.
Jack: What is it? All: OHHH!! Jack: Oh no, it’s like Resident Evil! Mark: It’s Resid- Yeah! Resident Evil!
Bob: Wait, yeah Resident Evil. Bob: How did she do that? Hang on, hang on. Mark: Jump! Jump up on the ceiling! Bob: Hang on, I got this, I can do this.
[Mark, Jack & Wade tell Bob to jump] J: Jump through! Jump, no, barrel-roll! Bob: Ohh.
Jack: Tuck your knees! Bob: What’s the barrel-roll button? Mark, Bob, & Wade: Ohh.
Jack: Oh no. Jack: That is not how physics works. [Mark laughs] Jack: Hey! Mark: Well-
Jack: I vote again. Mark: Again? Jack: Restart.
Bob: Yeah, what are we voting for? Restart? Mark: Alright, okay. Jack: Yeah, no fucking shoes this time, Bob. Mark: Yeah.
*Wade laughs* Bob: I missed the- I missed the discussion where we said we weren’t going to do shoes.
Mark: *laughs* I thought we were all just being cool.
Mark: Yeah, no shoes guys.
Wade: Alright, here, just to prove my loyalty. Mark: Yeah, take your shoes off, put ’em in the corner.
Jack: Ev-Everyone put your shoe in the pile. [Mark laughs]
Bob: No one is going to pile up their shoes in the middle? Mark: The middle?
Jack: Oh, you can actually throw both shoes? Oh. Mark & Bob: Yeah. Jack: I didn’t know that.
Bob: Oh, is this the shoe corner? Mark: Oh sorry, shoe corner? Bob: Shoe- shoe corner over there. Wade: Shoe corner.
Jack: Aw, that’s so cute.
Mark: Nice. Bob: It’s like a bunch of little kids are having a sleepover.
Jack: They look like the shoes from- Mark: Awww!
Jack: They look like the shoes from Back to the Future. Bob: And then in the morning we’re all gonna come upstairs and it’s gonna be like “Uhh, which one of these is mine? Uhhh” Jack: Okay, cool, pickin’ a room. Mark: Alright, go for it. Wade: Jack’s just on a mission.
Bob: We all wear the same- Bob: We all wear the same shoes.
Mark: Green, huh? Mmmm Jack: No- no grids, no grids. Mark: No foolsies! *Jack sings*
Mark: Alright, nice. Wade: Woohoo!
Bob: Alright, I will go next. Mark: Alright, Bob, you got this.
Bob: I’m on a real roll here right now- Bob: So I’m gonna go downtown to south town.
Mark: And Bob- Jack: Downtown.
Wade: I like it.
Mark: I- uhh Mark: I like your red hair. Bob-
Wade: I like the way you think.
Jack: You got it. Bob: This downtown Bob to- oh shhhhhit.
Mark: Oh no, all over again.
J: *laughs* The grid is always bad. J: The same again.
M: Ohhhh nooo!! W: Goodbye, Bob. *Wade laughs*
B: Could you guys- could you guys give me a sh- B: Could you have- do you have any shoes? Could you- do you have any- do you guys
*Mark, Wade & Jack laugh* B: Can you hand through a bottle of water? Can you hand me anything?
J: Bye Bob. Bye.
W: See ya, Bob. B: You guys help me out, you guys got anything- Okay.
*Mark, Jack & Wade laugh* J: You just fucking explode! M: Yeah.
W: Alright. W: I’m gonna go over here. M: Alright, Wade.
B: I just wanted you to enjoy my dead body spray. W: Oh yellow- yellow is for this fine fellow. So-
M: Probably good, yeah, get over there. J: Is-is that death? M: Looks good to me. M: Looks good to me, looks good to me.
W: No, every- everything is fine. M: It’s a checkmark- goddammit this fucking door.
J: Ding ding. M: This door shouldn’t close so soon.
W: Woo hoo! B: The door’s timed to annoy you if you’re a bitch and you don’t go in at the first try.
J: Yeah, that’s….stupid.
*Mark laughs* M: Alright I got this one. M: Alright, so south is obviously a death, so north must be the right way to go.
W: Alright, Mark, yeah, north- W: That’s the exit.
B: Yeah south is- south is not the way.
M: Yeah, thanks. Thanks. M: Ah yeah this looks good, guys. Ooo, what’s this? It’s a black hole.
B: This is definitely good. That’s what you want. *everyone laughs* J: You just crumbled! That was awesome!
*M, B, & W continue laughing* *more laughing* B: *imitating Mark* Ooo, what’s this? W: It’s a black hole.
J: Crunch! M: I honestly- it was glowing. It looked nice. Wait, who the fuck is that?
J: Oh god, what the f-
B: Woah, what, what?
W: Wait. W: It’s another Howie.
M: What the fuck? M: What? What?
J: It’s Gollum? Beginner Scout. B: The fuck?
M: Alrighty then.
J: Can you, like- J: Go through doors for us? M: I don’t know. M: The hell.
B: Why is he doing that and what the hell? J: Sir?
M: What the heck. B: Sir or madam?
M: He’s out of shoes.
J: I’m- I’m really uncomfortable. M: Yeah, that’s weird. B: Alright, Wade’s up.
J: It’s a Beginner Scout though. W: I feel like we need to go- uh, weast. M: Of course.
J: Dude, I’ve- I’ve only had one bad choice so far. J: Dude, I’ve- I’ve only had one bad choice so far. M: Yeah, me, m-
W: Woo…! M: -me too, man.
W: …OOHH J: Welp, I guess I’m alone.
B: This is probably- this is probably fine. it’s fine.
W: Tell my shoes I love them. J: But you can-you can dodge! You can dodge! Try it.
M: Yeah, you can dodge this. J: I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t see it anymore.
M: Wait, don’t get closer to it. M: Get in the corner or something, I don’t know. J: Does it extend? M: OHH never mind.
J: Ooooohhhhh [Mark laughs]
W: That’s a tesla coil. [Mark keeps laughing]
B: Wade, why didn’t you dodge it, man. M: Yeah, why didn’t you dodge it?
B: Hey, wait, Jack, open that door- open that door that the Scout’s looking at and let him go in there. B: Hey, wait, Jack, open that door- open that door that the Scout’s looking at and let him go in there. B: Oh that’s already checked off though.
J: But we just came from there. M: Yeah, we already did there.
B: What the hell. J: Yeah, and I can’t, like, click on him or anything.
B: Well that’s not cool. M: I think he’s just there to creep you out.
B: That’s weird. W: Yeah
J: What’s a Beginner Scout achievement? -unlocked.
B: Is he humming? J: Yeah.
M: Huh. B: Is he humming?! W: I think Beginner Scout achievement means that you’ve scouted a certain number of rooms.
*Jack hums* M: Ohhhhh okay.
*Jack still humming* B: Alright well, you’ve only- you’ve only got one pathway.
J: He’s just singing to himself. M: Wade, you’ve got this. What are the odds- err sorry, Jack, what are the odds it’s gonna be bad?
B: We’ve only got one pathway, friend. J: [dramatically breathes] Into manhood.
B: Forward. There’s probably a chainsaw demon, guys. M: *starts singing the Jurassic park theme song*
B: Oh my god, a checkmark.
J: Dude, what is with my luck? M: Nice. all: Uh oh. M: That- okay W: Go for the door, Jack! Go for the door!
B: Run away! Run away! Hurry, it’s a trap! J: I’M FUCKING TRYING! SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! M: OHH it’s dodgeable. Oh, hey. M: Hey, friend.
J: Ummmmm. J: I don’t like these ones.
M: Wow, okay. B: Oh my god, what the hell.
W: I think the red- red numbers sound bad. M: Alrighty.
J: Okay. Proobably.
W: Red means all three rooms are instant death, J: Okay. Proobably.
W: Red means all three rooms are instant death, B: HAHaaHa
W: …If I had to guess. J: Wait, let’s see what colors are in the rooms. B: Yeah, no, do some research. I like it. I like it.
W: Yellow. J & W: Blue!
B: Oh, blue. Blue is good.
M: Both- Oh, it’s blue. M: Nope, blue is not good. Guys, blue is not good.
J: Oh my god. J: I don’t want cookies! I DON’T WANT OREOS! AHHHH HEELP!
*Bob and Wade laugh* M: I think you can make it. You’re gonna be fine. Just believe.
J: HOOOW?! Save me! Awww.
Wade: Bye, Jack. *Jack crying into microphone*
B: Aw, you almost made it, buddy.
M: Well, that didn’t work out. W: Good work, everyone.
B: Yeah, we got so close. M: *laughs* What-
J: Look at that score. *laughs* M: What other uh- what other game modes do they have? W: Uh, there’s competitive where we’re competing with one another. I’ve never done that.
M: Oh, sure. W: Uh, you want to go back to the lobby?
B: Yeah. B: Yeah
J: Cast a vote, kick player: Wade. *Jack & Mark laugh* J: F1 to vote yes
W: Hey! M: I gotcha, I got your back. I like this. I like this. This is good.
W: What? No!
*Bob laughs* J: Thanks, thanks. *laughs*
M: I feel good about this.
*Bob continues laughing* W: Oh, I voted yes, too.
*M, J, & B laugh* B: -do a competition.
M: Yeah, competition.
W: Competition. Teams are at opposite ends, exit’s in the middle of the map. M: Hell yeah.
B: Yes M: Hell yeah W: For teams ok M: It’s 2v 2- W: Teams, okay. 31 by 3, we can use shoes, we’re on hard, no time limits. M: -Let’s make it the smaller one of those. Smaller one with shoes. I- I-
B: So we might actually succeed. M: Yeah, so there’s a chance. Yeah.
W: Okay, 21 by 3. W: Alright, server’s up. W: Oh, we get to pick what team we’re on. I’m on team 1. M: I’ll be on your team, Wade. I got you.
Jack: But it just auto-teamed us. B: It’s me and Spedicey.
M: Nah, I changed it.
J: Oh, okay. M: Alright.
J: Let’s fucking do it, Bobby Boy. M: I got it.
B: Let’s do this shit, Spedicey. M: Alright, Wade, we got this.
B: Oh hey, friend. J: Hey!
W: I’m going straight for the middle M: Alright, you do that. M: WOOOAAH!!
W: WHAT IS THAT?!?! M: OH MY GOD!! M: OH MY GOD!!
B: Uhhhh M: OH MY GOD!!
W: WHAHAHAT?! M: The fuck is that?
W: WHAHAHAT?! J: Lu- J: Lu- Let’s J: Let’s throw some shoes J: Let’s throw some shoes
W: I DON’T KNOW Mark: You guys have no idea what we’re seeing right now. Mark: You guys have no idea what we’re seeing right now.
J: OH, JESUS!! Mark: You guys have no idea what we’re seeing right now. J: Run, Bob, run!
B: Go into the next room! Go into the next room! Go to the next room! M: Ohhh. J: We’re good, we’re good. J: Ah, he blew up your shoes!
M: Did you guys- M: Guys, did you guys just see a glowing skeleton walk outta your room?
J: *quietly* Your shoe- get your shoe back! J: No, we had a dude like the chainsaw guy run at us. M: Doh, we had a glowing skeleton.
B: *quietly* Oh, Jesus Christ. B: Uh, uh a-a demon douchebag came into our room and then exploded.
J: Can you press E- J: To pick this up, Bob? W: Well.
B: I cannot. M: Uhhh. J: It says “Press E to pick up” on my screen. B: Oh oh okay, yeah.
M: I-Imma shoe- M: Imma shoe it J: Okay. J: Tha- BOB NO! Come back! M: I think we’re good. M: Goddamn these doors! J: Wait, how does that room count as a check mark?
W: Yeah, these doors close way too fast. M: Ok, I think it’s good. M: I think it’s good, Bob, I think it’s good. B: Alight, where are we going friend?
W: Alright. M: Oh, Wade. W: I mean, I guess we might as well keep moving this way. W: Oh wait, what? M: Oh, hey! Ok, that’s weird.
W: Oh, chainsaw. M: Ok. That’s bizarre.
W: Chainsaw behind us. J: Throwin’ a shoe. W: Look out behind ya! M: Alright. I got it. J: I don’t think there’s anything in there, Bob. M: These shoes don’t do do shit, dude! B: *quietly* Uhhhhh. J: Yeah, what the fuck? M: Oh no, wait, it did. It just took a delay. M: Wooo. J: Oh god! OH GOD! All: WOOOOOAH!! B: Door! DOOR! DOOR! *Laughs*
M: Good shoe! Good shoe! Good- M: Shoe!
J: Jesus Christ!
B: God! Jeez! *Bob laughs*
M: Good shoe! Good shoe, Wade! B: Oh my god! The shoes don’t help at all… M: Yeah, the shoes help! You-u don’t know that they don’t help. M: They might help. J: They might help now. M: Ohhh, that’s right. Ok.
B: I did- I just think it was funny when we walked in to- B: -that room, I got
M: Which way do you think? M: North? I’ll go north.
B: -the achievement for finding 5 traps B: -and I was like, “Ah.”
W: I’ll- I’ll trust you on that one. B: “Traps, you say?”
M: Alright, I got this. *grunts* W: Somehow Jack and Bob got 10 times louder, like-
M: Wooah. W: Whenever you- J: Yeah, we just got a lot more ram- rambunctious.
M: Ohhhh. M: Ok, so-
J: I don’t know what that did. I think they-
B: I think- I think- J: -I think that room ate my shoe.
W: I think it’ll eventually end. M: Will it? I mean, it looks like there’s paths to run around it. B: I think we’re good. W: Well, I think the red traps on the- on the map mean- J: You found 5 traps. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
W: -that they are permanent, whereas these are- B: Ah! Ah! Ah!
W: -like- W: Well I don’t know, we can just try going around it. M: I will try. Oh shit.
J: I just got an achievement- -you found 5- M: Goddammit.
J: -traps. *laughs* J: But I also got one for Scout. M: Yeah, see what’s down there, Wade. B: We didn’t get check marks, so- ohhhhhh, hey lasers.
J: Oh. We just dodged lasers, bro. W: Oh.
B: Bro, we dodged the sh*t out of those lasers. J: Those are some super slow lasers. *Jack laughs*
M: Ok. Alright. Should I not go for my shoe here? W: You can try but-
M: Imma- I got it. Ok, it worked. J: These shoes do f*ckin’ nothing.
B: Good job, team mate.
M: Oo, whoops. M: I’m, uhh.
B: It’s all about the sprinting in-
W: Oh. B: -frantically and-
W: I’ll open the door. B: -getting the f*ck out.
M: Ughh, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry- M: -hurry, hurry. Woouh. Ok.
J: Ok. I- I- I like our- -method. M: Wohkay.
B: Let me- B: Let me try my shoe.
W: Oh, come on. Don’t- J: Bob, get ou- move, move, move, move!
*Bob spouts gibberish in fear* J: Jesus!! What is that?
M: Jeez. B: It’s like a… -or something. I don’t know.
J: Is tha- Is that ice? B: Goddammit.
J: *laughing* There’s 2- J: -kinds of people: ice and acid.
M: Wade, they- M: They seem to be flailing like losers- M: While we are the top of the food chain here. W: Yeah, we’re doin’ very well over here.
J: Well, we’re not dead. *Mark blows raspberry*
B: Oh no! Sweet Jesus!
J: Oh, lasers! Get out, get out, get out!! B: Oh no! Sweet Jesus!
J: Oh, lasers! Get out, get out, get out! M: Alright.
J: It was TWO traps!! B: Double trap is such a bitch move! *Mark grunts as he throws his shoe*
W: Got it. Oh, you got it. J: Douche move.
B: How many- M: How many do we have to- M: It’s gooood. Ah, cool.
B: get through to get to the middle? W: Imma gonna go back… this way.
M: North? Yeah. Get back on the main track. W: Yeah. M: Yeah. J: I- If- Are we making progress towards anything?
*Wade grunts strangely as he throws his shoe* J: We probably should be learning how to play the game and all the things.
M: Nice. Nice. Nice, nice. M: So long as it doesn’t laser us down- Woooah.
W: Oh, oh, we gotta moooove! M: Woa, woah, what was that? Here, here, in here. M: Ohh no, I just walked in! Wade, I’m sorry!! Wade!!
J: Oh, Bob. Oh, Bob. W: Nooooooo!!
B: Oh no! B: Oh god, it’s an exploding douchebag. Open the door, openthedoor, openthedoor,openthedoor,openthedoor!
M: Waaade! Ahhhh!! B: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
M : Wade, tell- Wade, win for us. M: Wade, you have to carry on, you have to win… aAHHH!!
W: I’ll do- I’ll do my best. Awww! J: Oh, you’ve 2 shoes now. B: Dude! J: Ok, I think we need to- awww, someone died on the other team.
M: Yeah, M: Whatever, I- it was a heroic sacrifice.
B: *sarcastic* Oh nooo, someone is dead. Nooo. M: It was a- It was a heroic sacrifice- J: Bob, I picked a different door.
M: It was a heroic sacrifice, ok? J: What was that? What was that? I heard- Oh there’s a blade in the middle. Don’t go in there.
W: Aha. W: Ok.
*Jack laughs* B: I’ll trigger it again and see what else we got.
M: Wade, you gotta keep movin’. We don’t have a lot of time. J: Ok. Ok. We got this.
B: Let me go for a quick lap-around. J: I think it’s just that. Oh wait-
M: You’re good. You’re good, Wade, you’re good. You’re good. You’re good, Wade.
B: Oh oh oh, M: Wade, you’re good.
B: Oh, I’m good. I’m good. M: Keep goin’. Keep goin’, Wade. You got this. I’m gonna go back north again ‘cuz B: Oh, that sucks you in!! AHH!!
J: I fuckin’ told you, Bob!!! B: I never stopped moving. It just caught me somehow.
M: HA HA! HA HA! J: Goddammit! Ok, now it’s a race against time.
W: Ok. J: Oh god, I can’t fuckin’ run against it.
W: Stupid doors!
B: Oh no! J: WHAT?!
B: Oh, see? See? That was bullshit.
M: Ha ha. Ha ha. HA HA HA! M: Wade, it’s all you. It’s all you, baby.
W: Am I the last one alive?
J: Yeah. M: You got it. The whole way. Go for it.
W: Why’s this? J: Aww, man. I’m sorry, Bob.
W: This doesn’t look like such a good room.
M: No, go for it. B: I-I-I W: ahh stupid doors M: If you toss the shoe in it’ll either immediately trigger the con-whoa B: i fucking did my best J: I believe you M: Oh thats weird M: aww your shoe got destroyed W: my shoe just exploded on those icicles M: Why’d you throw it there? W: Well cause I was throwing it cause it didnt go off before M: No if you throw it in your only checking for the laser M: Like wall so that you can’t get out L: Oh No M:Thats the only thing alright you gotta go for it M: Alright you got it M: Keep running GO GO GO keep running! M: NO NOT BACK!! Jesus Wade!!!
W: I’ll go back M: Be BRAVE! J: Wade use your balls B: Wade, it doesn’t turn off W: (determined) I’m gonna go through it. M: Yeah, just go around it. It-d-I-I went to this it’s fine, you’re good. W: Yeah M: See now you gotta wait for TEN YEARS for this to go around. (B: This seems fine) *Jack laughs* M: Look. You’re close to the exit. (B: This seems normal) You’re close. M: You just gotta go towards the middle M: A FEW more, and you’re THERE M: Just–I think it’s just TWO more (J: I feel like I’m right inside your ear right now) W: This one’s gonna be real good J: Go go go M: You got this. Yeah go for it you got it.
B: Yeah do it. Awesome job. W: WOOOOOOO W: OH! I DID IT!!
M: No keep going M: No that’s it, that’s it! YEEEAAAHH!!! B: Oh Goddamn
W: I did it! M: Yaaaaaaayyyyyy B: Wow
M: HELL yeah
W: Team BumLord! M: Hell yeah!
B: F*cking bullsh*t M: Hell yeah J: I feel like-I feel like we got shafted B: F*ckin baloney M: You want a rematch?
W: You guys shafted yourselves! M: You want a rematch? J: Got shafted by the fan blade, we triggered it and then it-
M: Oh yeah W: We can do a rematch if you guys are up for it. M: Yeah, if you guys are…. not a bitch B: Wade, just because you finally won something doesn’t mean you can be snide. W: Hey! I found the exit the first game too.. J: Yeah, but that was all cooperative, so we ALL won. That’s boring. B: Yeah, pretty much M: All right, all right Wade..
B: It’s all about speed-
J: Hey! We found a Howie B: -and oh, hey friend. Up, nope! Nope, nope! What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?
M: Oh, it’s good!
J: What is that? What is that? What is that? Get out, get out! J: Oh, it’s the goo! I thought it was the exit, ’cause it was green!
M: Oh, we’re fine! B: I know! I was like, “Yay, the exit! F*ck this room!”
M: There’s a guy in here. There’s a dude in here.
W: Oh! Yay! M: Alright, your turn
W: I don’t think that that always implies that we’re safe, though. Maybe it does.
J: I don’t know if that stops. M: Nah, it’s fine… probably.
J: Green? W: Alright, WABEESH! Oh.
M: Whoops, uh oh. Okay, good thing, good thing that’s okay.
J: Oh god, oh god. You s-you scared me. Okay, so, we don’t get trapped in here. J: MOOOVE!
B: Oh sh*t! B: Oh f*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! B: Door me! Door me! Door me!
M: Alright, y-you shoe, you shoe. You shoe next. J: I can’t f*cking door you!
M: Shoe next. Whoa!
W: Oh, oh whoa were those icicles? B: I’m good, I’m good, I’m good, I’m good.
J: Why’d you rush in?!
W: Got it. B: ‘Cause I thought it wasn’t gonna do anything.
M: Alright, we’re good. J: No the shoe just means that you don’t get the f*ckin blocked in room. It doesn’t mean that you’re safe.
B: Aight. M: Ooh! Okay there’s- okay. W: Oh that’s a- a one of those.
M: Yeah, lemme grab my shoe!
J: HUAAAH! J: Yeah, see?
W: Oh, get out, yeah- get out of th- that one’s quick! M: Yeah, okay. We can go… that’ll go down eventually but we can still try the other ones.
B: Bye shoe.
J: Bye shoe B: We’re gonna go back, huh?
J: I-I can’t enter. W: *strange mating growl*
J: Oh right yeah.
B: Those are- those are the edge of the map, so we’re gonna go this way? W: Okay
M: Okay, you’re good (2x). Ohh, look out. M: Okay, g- move, move, move. Aright, here we go.
J: Okay, throw a shoe! M: Shoop! Wookay, that’s a bad one okay.
W: Oh, oh your shoe’s still here though! B: Oh, oh, oh. To the left, demon demon demon.
J: Demon, demon, demon man. W: Oh, never mind, it’s gone.
M: Yeah, yeah, it’s probably gone.
J: Okay, we’re good, let’s just sit out here! J: Have some tea.
B: Yeah, let’s just hang out. He’ll despawn eventually.
M: Alright Wade, yeah we got this okay! B: Hey, buddy!
M: Googity googoo! Your shoe?
J: *making Link sounds*
W: Arright. J: Nice!
M: Go for it. J: Uhh, Team 2 Bob said, “Yes, look out Smiley!” M: Okay, we’re good. We’re good.
W: Okay. M: Oh that’s, noo hey! Yeah it’s fine (2x) he’s okay.
J: Get your shoe.
W: Oh, there’s a chainsaw.
B: Hey I got my shoe back, yay! J: Okay, we’re going this way! B: oh, can’t go that way J: Okay, I’ll use- I’ll use- Okay, you use your shoe. you have two
M: Let’s go through here. Let’s go through here M: Woah, laser in the middle
W: Okay J: hup hup
B: What?!? B: We can’t get past! M: Okay
B: We’re blocked in completely M: OH OH OH
W: Mark, we gotta get out of here!
B: All of these rooms- M: Get out, get out J: What?
B: Oh, we have to sneak past this shit
M: Ha, Wade! Over here! M: Wade, over here! Wade!
B: Hang on, I got- I got B: Oh, I got it. You gotta go ove- AH
J: Oh, okay W: WHAT
M:YEAH J: WHAT M: YEAH
B: WE WERE COMPLETELY BLOCKED IN! WHAT THE FUCK!
w: Nice work, Mark! W: Ha ha
M: Hell yeah, haha B: We had- we had two impassibles and one extremely difficult to get past W: We literally ran a straight line B: goddammit
*Mark and Wade laugh* J: We- Well we tried doing that but all the rooms had traps couldn’t be passed in them M: Well is that-
J: And then we had edge of map everywhere else
*Wade laughing* J: It was bullshit
M: Is that our fault? M: Hmm? Is that our problem? W: Oh my goodness B: Seems like it
J: oohhhh W: Do you want to do a tough one where we have shoes or do you just want to do a quick one? B: No, but I think we should just do one winner, Wade W: One winner? B: That we work together as a group but we’re fighting to get to the end W: Okay
M Yeah, that sounds good B: I think that’s interesting
W: One winner W: Alright, room is created. Let’s do it! W: Only one!
J: See, this fucking fan blade M: ooohhhh
J: stupid loading screen fan blade M: Oh wait! The colors- ah shit goddammit
J: Piss me off J: yeah, how do we- M: It just gave a description then it went away too quick B: I wanna go this way M: alright Bob
W: Oh yeah? Well I’m gonna go this way M: Wait W: I hope you enjoy that way J: Well, that way’s bad
B: well, I’m not going that way W: And this way is just fine M: Nice way. Nice way, Wade. B: You guys can go first, this is fine
M: I’m gonna go this way B: Oh, its a checkmark M: Ima go this way M: Welp, ah, it’s just that guy?
J: No, its a demon M: Psshh, nothing
W: Yeah, we’re not scared of him M: Woah, he’s fol- woah woah woah
W: AHHH ITS THE DEMON *Bob laughs*
J: Its the runny- it’s the runny explody one
M: Woah hey W: He drops a shoe so if you lose a shoe you can come back here and get this M: Nice
B: Oh, let me check this shit out M: Uh, guys?
W: Oh wait, didn’t one of you guys lose a sh- oh wait, what? *Mark and Jack laugh*
B: wwwwhhhhhhaaaaatttttt *Mark and Jack continue laughing* B: Wwwhhhaattt J: And that counts as us all dying then
*Mark continues laughing* B: goddammit
*Mark still continues to laugh* M: I’m sorry
B: Geez M: Wait, let’s redo that one B: How the fuck? M: I don’t know!
J: I didn’t even get a score M: I’m sorry
*Wade and Bob laugh* M: I’m just so good J: so good at winning the game
B: Goddamn M: so good W: I thought we were just a good team but it turns out Mark just like knows here the exit is
*Bob laughs* *Mark and Bob laugh*
W: He’s like a bloodhound B: Alright, everyone just go in every direction. Fuck it M: Alright, fine then screw you J: Oh, I found a Howie J: OH, fan blade fan blade fan blade M: Okay, well that one didn’t work B: Oh I found a demon motherfucker J: Oh I’m trapped. I’m dead M:What? Why didn’t you throw your shoe? J: Because I had to get away from the fan blade that was sucking me in M: Ooooohhhh, I got it J: ooohhhhh why me? J: oh nooooooo J: NOOOOOOOOO I’m dead
M: oh god this might be bad for me M: okay
W: ha ha J: Okay W: Everything’s fine on mi- OOHHH
M: Woah B: Oooohoho my go- OH SHIT OH GEEZ
W: Was that a- butts J: hahaha fire Bob
M: Well B: God… geez
W: Well, that’s a bad room J: Mark has no shoes left
M: um M: yeah, I got no shoes
*Bob laughs* *Bob continues to laugh*
M: I’m just here walking on my tootsies here
B: I think I had one J: yeah, Bob and Wade have one shoe
B: I had one shoe left M: Ooo, I picked up a shoe I think B: Oh I got a shoe OH NO OH GOTTA GO SEE YA W: Ah ha
M: Ah ha I got a shoe W: This is the way W: FORWARD! oh no B: Hey Mark M: Oh hi, how are you? B: I’m good. Do you want to see what’s in this room? Its super fun
W: Well at least I got my shoe back M: Oh, nice
W: Oh screw this, I’m going this way. No one’s going west. M: Nice
B: I don’t think it’s possible to get past that B: Oh
W: Oh no
M: It’ll stop, it’ll stop it’ll stop it’ll stop J: It got close Wade W: I know, oh god. Well, now I’m screwed
J: You almost got trapped J: Yeah, you have no shoes left M: Uh, Bob I’m gonna go this way
J: Hey, you found a Howie M: Bob I’m gonna go this way M: You- you bore me B: I’m on a winning- I’m on a winning path, Mark M: Yeah, whatever
*Jack laughs* B: You go whatever way you want, I’m on a winning path
M: You’re going to the edge of the map, you goof W: Green is gooOOOOD M: OH hey, hey buddy. okay
J: You’re fine Wade, you’re fine W: I’m going this way W: This is the exit route
M: Oh god J: Who’s gonna win?
M: fan is suck W: IT’S NOT THE EXIT! IT’S NOT THE EXIT! M: Ooooh boy, okay
J: Wade’s dead J: Its between Mark and Bob
M: I- I M: That fan sucks
W: NOOOOO B: Fuck fuck
J: Okay, its all Bob M: Alright Bob
W: I feel happy
B: Aw fuck M: Oh hi Bob. BOB what- what happened to your winning streak?
W: I feel happy B: What happened to my what? M: What happened to you- oh that was Wade M: Okay, sorry J: You’re good, Bob, go M: You’re good go W: Oh Bob still has two shoes? M: Bob get your other shoe back. You dropped your other shoe.
B: Yeah, I have both my shoes J: You didn’t- you don’t have the other shoe M: Good job. Bob J: I believe in you, Bob *All cheering* B: I did it! I did it! I did it!
W: Wow M: OH
B: I did it! I did it! B: I’m the best B: You all suck
M: Bob was on a winning streak B: Yeah
J: Hey, I was on your team for a while *Mark laughs* B: Yeah and we got absolutely destroyed J: We did, we did
[Bob laughs] B: We were a horrible team B: I don’t know if it was you or me but one of us was really dragging it down
Wade: I have a score of nine J: You found it in G4 Jack – That’s it, that’s the end