Things Not To Say To (Very) Tall People

How tall are you?
You must be great at basketball.
Is everything in proportion? Mate, you’re massive. I walked into the lift
and the guy was like, “Every time I see you,
you get two inches taller.” “But are how tall ARE you?” It’s something I get every
single day, multiple times. Like, “You’re tall.”
And I’m like “What?! You’ve got to be
kidding me!” I mean, that’s a fair question.
Why? Why do you need to know? If you do tell them how tall
you are, it’s like… Oh! “How tall are you?” is never
the end of the conversation. No, no. I don’t give sass,
unlike some people. I’m very open and I’ll answer
your questions that you have. That’s cos you’re a man
and men are supposed to be tall. Ohh, standard. “What’s the weather
like up there?” I hear it so much. I guess it is an easy way for people
to start conversations. It’s like,
“Come on, be a bit more original.” One time, I was like, “Cloudy, now
there’s a dickhead in front of me.” “Whoa, you’ve got clown feet.” Yeah. My feet are quite small,
but then I get… Freak! Yeah. There are no high street shops
that stock 13. My feet are size 18. “If it rains, we can take your shoes
off and use them as a canoe.” End up wearing black bags on your
feet half the time. I’m all legs. And I have to wear my trousers,
like, really low down. And it’s like £50 million
for underwear that’s going to fit
your bum right. But then nothing ever fits me, yeah. That’s what I do. Then you roll it up to try
and not make it look so massive. Yeah, this is a fashion statement,
sorry. “You must only date
other tall people.” “Yes.
You’re too short for me, bye.” Like, how do I kiss you?
And I’m just doubling down, “Come to me.” I feel like I’m… Like seeing a giraffe
bending down to eat a bush. When tall men date shorter girls,
I just don’t understand. This small bitch is coming
to frickin’ get my man. My wife is five foot. You know, stay in your lane. HE LAUGHS “Can you move to the back
for the photo?” I actually don’t mind. I refuse. I get it.
I don’t. It’s my picture too! At school, you know how they
line you up before you go on to have your school class photo? If I went through my school photos, I am literally centre back
in every single year. You want to be in the middle with
all your friends, but I’m just at the back with the guys who are
like, “We like being this height.” Look how long my arms are, look.
I’m a human selfie stick. You have to squat a bit. Yeah, and
you’ve got to lean back or go down, you’re never going to get
your best angle from there. This is very important. “Have you got enough legroom?”
No. No. No. No, the fuck, I don’t. But you won’t do anything about it, you’re not going to give us seats
on easyJet for free. My trick is to limp as I go to them.
“Please, can I…? “They’re so long.” It’s not just being uncomfortable –
you would not get in that seat. I’m always like this. No, yes. And who’s in the exit row?
Frickin’ Sally, who’s, like, five foot two
and nothing is wrong with her. “Can I get on your shoulders?” I’ve been asked by a boy before. “No, you can’t get on my shoulders.” So I’m going to be a big old ogre carrying the little petite thing
on your shoulder. I hate it. I once accidentally tripped up
while giving a girl a piggyback. I don’t like it
when it’s at a festival cos then it’s like…
I’m already causing anger behind me. I’m so insecure at festivals. People give me the death stare. I’ll spend the whole time bowing
down, trying to apologise for it. And I end up just not enjoyed
the gig because I’m in pain. I’m all for piggybacks
if it’s someone I fancy. “Stand up so I see
how tall you are.” A guy would come over and join
the table and I’m like, “I’m going to get a drink.”
And he’s like, “OK.” No. And then, as I go up like this… Oh, go on. I will not. ..I look like standing and
I’ll be like, wait, it’s coming. Don’t be a spoilsport.
I will do no such thing. Go on. Are we even in frame? And then I’m like, “Do you want
a drink as well?” “No, I’m good.” Can you even see this? But how tall are you?
I am six foot seven. I’m probably about six four, then.
I’m seven foot. That’s good. Yeah, great… Yeah. No, you’ve got to be proud
of your height. It was more awkward
when I was younger. It is tricky when people are
banging on about it. You can’t work round it, can you? Sometimes you’re like,
“The weather is fine.” Get laughed at,
people can be ignorant. Other times, it’s the wrong day and you’re like,
“What are you trying to say?” I don’t really want to be
a spectacle to be laughed at. You can get coloured glasses, you can do what you want
with your hair, but that’s not really a lot
you can do about your height. Other than embrace it, I guess. If you can be happy in yourself
being tall, you can be…like the way
you carry yourself, you can walk with that stride
and it’s like, “Who’s that girl? “Who’s that model,
who’s that person?” “Oh, it’s just me, Naomi… “Campbell.” I know.


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