The Ellen Card


This is embarrassing, I’m late. I got stuck backstage for
second cuz I couldn’t find my ID.>>[LAUGH]
>>Wasn’t in my pocket but then I used my woman card,
so they let me through.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>I guess you heard about the woman card.>>There’s a candidate running for
president. I’m not gonna say which one. Sounds like rump.>>[LAUGH]
>>Said that Hillary Clinton would not be as far along as she is in the campaign
if she wasn’t playing the woman card. And to that I say bitch, please.>>[APPLAUSE]>>I don’t even know what a woman card is. I always thought it was one of those cards
that the guys on the Vegas strip hand out.>>[LAUGH]
>>I once got one that said Sapphire is ready for a good time and
will come to my hotel room. And she was very nice.>>[LAUGH]
>>She really was. We still keep in touch. That Sapphire.>>[LAUGH]
>>But if there was such a thing as a woman card,
I would be a proud card-carrying member. I would put it in my wallet right
next to where I am going to put my Harriet Tubman $20 bills.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>Right there.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>I mean really, anybody who says that their, woman is playing a woman
card is really just playing a man card. And I think we can all agree that
it isn’t about a man’s card or a woman’s card, it’s about an Ellen card.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>That’s right. Today I am officially introducing
the Ellen card on my website, and I want people to use it. Because here’s what, you’re going to
download the card from my website, use it to do something nice in the world
because instead of dividing people based on women’s cards or men’s cards
we should bring people together. We should do kind things for one another. So if you-
>>[APPLAUSE]>>Good idea. So here’s the deal. So whatever you think it is. Like if you feed somebody’s meter,
write something nice on the card, leave it on their windshield. Or if you get great service at
a restaurant, leave this with a nice tip. If you help an old lady across the street,
you can yell, here’s the Ellen card!>>[LAUGH]
>>And then right there. There, see. Anyone can use the Ellen card,
it comes in pink, blue, and rainbow, so that covers everybody, right? And I haven’t run this by anybody yet,
but it gets you 20% off Jamba Juice.>>[LAUGH]
>>I, no, I don’t know.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>And if you use your Ellen card take
a picture and send it to me. If you receive an Ellen card,
take a picture and send it to me and I’m going to share these on the show. And let you know about all the kindness
that’s going on out there, but right now, it’s time for
me to play the dance card.

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