Stephen Colbert Gets All Up In Your Faith


I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE TO
WISH MY JEWISH VIEWERS A HAPPY ROSH HASHANNAH! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ FOR HE’S A ROSH HASHANNAH ♪ ♪ FOR HE’S A ROSH HASHANNAH ♪
♪ FOR HE’S A ROSH HASHANNAH ♪ ♪ — AND FOR MY GENTILE VIEWERS
A NATIONAL HAPPY “EAT A HOAGIE DAY.” (LAUGHTER)
LOOK IT UP. OF COURSE, I’M A CATHOLIC
MYSELF, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER TO ME WHAT RELIGION YOU ARE BECAUSE
WE ALL SURRENDER TO A HIGHER POWER, MY SPONSORS. THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT GETS ALL
UP IN YOUR FACE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER) TONIGHT, I GET ALL UP IN YOUR
BUDDHISM. IT’S A RELIGION THAT BELIEVES IN
THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS, AND JUDGING BY BUDDHA HERE, THE
ELEVEN HERBS AND SPICES. THE LEADER OF TIBETAN BUDDHISM
IS THE DALAI LAMA. THE LEADER SAYS THE CURRENT
DALAI LAMA IS A CURRENT REINCARNATION OF A HOLY MONK WHO
LIVED 700 YEARS AGO WHILE NONBELIEVERS SAY HE ISN’T. (LAUGHTER)
HERE’S THE THING, THIS LAMA IS 80 YEARS OLD AND RIGHT NOW IT IS
UNCLEAR WHO WILL SUCCEED HIM WHEN HE DIES BECAUSE, ACCORDING
TO TRADITION, WHEN A DALAI LAMA DICE, HE’S REINCARNATED AS A
CHILD AND BUDDHISTS SEARCH TO FIND HIM. ONCE THEY DO, HE IS GIVEN A
SERIES OF TESTS TO PROVE HE IS THE OLD DALAI LAMA REINCARNATED
AND LIKE WITH ALL TESTS, AMERICAN STUDENTS ARE WAY BEHIND
THE KIDS IN ASIA. (LAUGHTER)
BUT TURNS OUT, THIS LAMA MIGHT BE ALPACA-ING IT IN. (LAUGHTER)
>>THE SPIRITUAL LEADER TURNS 80 THIS SUMMER HINTED IN A RECENT
INTERVIEW HE MAY NOT BE REINCARNATED WHEN HE DIES,
SUGGESTING THE TITLE OF DALAI LAMA COULD END WITH HIM.>>Stephen: OH, I SEE WHAT’S
HAPPENING HERE — (LAUGHTER)
SOMEONE WANTS TO GO OUT AS UNDEFEATED LAMA CHAMP. HE’S GOING TO TAKE HIS
NOTHINGNESS AND GO HOME. BUT, FOLKS, THERE ARE SERIOUS
POLITICAL IMPLICATIONS TO SAYING GOODBYE DALAI. (LAUGHTER)
BECAUSE — (LAUGHTER)
BECAUSE — (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BECAUSE THE DALAI LAMA IS THE LEADER OF THE TIBETAN PEOPLE WHO
ARE FIGHTING FOR INDEPENDENCE FROM MY GOOD FRIENDS IN CHINA,
NI HAO, AND WOULD FOIL THE PLAN OF DALAI LAMA WHO ACCEPTS
CHINA’S PRESENCE INTY BET AND HOPEFULLY ONE WHO DOESN’T HANG
OUT WITH RICHARD GERE SO MUCH. (LAUGHTER)
BUT CHINA ISN’T TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN CROSS-LEGGED IN A
ROCK GARDEN. NO! IN FACT, THEY HAVE REPEATEDLY
WARNED THAT THE DALAI LAMA MUST REINCARNATE, AND ON THEIR TERMS! (LAUGHTER)
HEY! HEY! YOU BETTER TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY,
DALAI LAMA! BECAUSE IF YOU REFUSE TO COME
BACK TO LIFE, THEY WILL KILL YOU!

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