Jim Gaffigan Thinks The Japanese Are The Best At Being Human


WE’RE BACK. WE’RE BACK WITH JIM GAFFIGAN. HELP ME OUT HERE, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE BEARD OR IS THIS A NEW THING?>>IF I WANT MY CHILDREN TO NOT BE FRIGHTENED, YEAH. I HAVE THE TYPE OF FACE THAT NEEDS TO BE COVERED. LOUVRE LAUGH.>>Stephen: NOT AT ALL. NOT IN THE LEAST.>>LAST YEAR I JUST HAD THE MUSTACHE. BUT I HAVE THE BEARD. I LOVE MY BEARD. I LOVE IT. BECAUSE I’M A PALE GUY AND IT’S JUST KIND OF ROUND LIKE A BLOCK.>>Stephen: YOUR WHOLE FAMILY, YOU HAVE A LOVELY FAMILY– THESE ARE YOUR FIVE CHILDREN RIGHT THERE. LOOK AT HOW ALL OF THEM– ALL OF THEM BLOND, ALL OF THEM– WHAT ARE YOUR– WHAT ARE YOUR SUNSCREEN COSTS IN YOUR FAMILY.>>THERE’S A LOT. THAT’S HOW WOE STORE THEM, TOO. THAT’S HOW WE STORE OUR CHILDREN.>>Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND DID YOU JUST TOUR IN JAPAN?>>WE WERE IN JAPAN. I– NOT JUST FOR STAND-UP. I WAS THERE MODELING. I WAS MOD LENGTH. ( LAUGHTER ) SEE, I WISH THAT WASN’T FUNNY, YOU KNOW? I WOULD MUCH PREFER PEOPLE SAY, “REALLY? MODELING IN? BUT PEOPLE SAYING, “YOU MODELING? NEVER.” I WAS IN JAPAN. AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, THE JAPANESE– THEY’RE JUST BETTER AT BEING HUMAN. LET’S JUST BE SERIOUS.>>Stephen: OH, REALLY?>>I MEAN, DESIGN– YOU KNOW, THEY’RE POLITE. I MEAN, THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS THERE I FELT OVERWEIGHT– PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM OVERWEIGHT. BUT LIKE THEY’RE GENERALLY– THE JAPANESE ARE THIN. THERE ARE OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE IN JAPAN, BUT NOT LIKE IN AMERICA. WE’RE BETTER, RIGHT. BECAUSE IF YOU GET REALLY FAT IN JAPAN, THEY MAKE YOU SUMO WRESTLE. ( LAUGHTER ) THEY MAKE THEIR FAT PEOPLE FIGHT EACH OTHER. ( LAUGHTER ) TO ENTERTAIN THE THIN PEOPLE! ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND THE FAT PEOPLE IN JAPAN GO ALONG WITH IT!>>Stephen: IT’S AN HONOR. IT’S A REAL HONOR. THEY WEAR THAT LITTLE DIEPER AND THE HAIR–>>THEY’RE LIKE, “WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?” “IT’S PRESTIGIOUS. NOW YOU TRY TO PUSH THAT OTHER PUDGY GUY OUT OF THAT CIRCLE WHILE WE TRY NOT TO GIGGLE.”>>Stephen: DOES YOUR– DOES YOUR COMEDY TRANSLATE TO THE JAPANESE?>>I’M VERY– YOU KNOW, I’M VERY AMERICANA, BUT THERE IS –>>Stephen: HOW DO YOU SAY “HOT POCKET” IN JAPANESE IS THE QUESTION?>>DUMP LING? I DON’T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS AMAZING IN JAPAN. AND I– I’M SUCH A HUGE FAN. AND NOT JUST I LOOK JAPANESE. AND THEY’RE SO POLITE. AND MY CHILDREN– YOU SAW THEM– THAT’S THEM BEHAVING WELL, IN A PILE AT THE AIRPORT.>>Stephen: OH, OKAY.>>MY KIDS ARE HORRIBLY BEHAVED, AND EVERY NOW AND THEN WE WOULD CATCH A JAPANESE PERSON LOOKING AT OUR KIDS. AND THEN THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME. AND I WOULD ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, “WE’RE CANADIAN.” YOU KNOW?>>Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.>>OF COURSE, WE’RE NOT CANADIAN.>>Stephen: SURE, YEAH.>>BUT THAT’S WHAT AMERICANS DO WHEN THEY TRAVEL INTERNATIONALLY, THEY TELL PEOPLE THEY’RE CANADIAN– WHICH I THINK IS COWARDLY. THAT’S REQUEST I TELL PEOPLE I’M NORTH KOREAN, YOU KNOW. ( LAUGHTER ) I GET THE RESPECT I DESERVE.>>Stephen: YOU’VE GOT A LOVELY WIFE. YOU HAVE THE LOVELY KIDS. FATHER’S DAY IS COMING UP. DO YOU HAVE BIG EXPECTATIONS FOR FATHER’S DAY?>>NOT REALLY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE KIDS– THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) THEY HAVE NOVEMBER MONEY BECAUSE– AND THEY’LL MAKE STUFF FOR YOU, AND THEN YOU’RE JUST LIKE, “GREAT!” ( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I’M JOKING. BUT IT’S– IT’S ALL GARBAGE. ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW? ( APPLAUSE ) YOU LOOK AT IT AND YOU’RE LIKE, “HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO…” I MEANTIME AMOUNT OF LYING, RIGHT. LIKE THEY GIVE YOU A CARD, AND YOU’RE LIKE, “THIS IS GREAT. CAN I HAVE THIS?” YOU DON’T WANT IT. YOU KNOW. BUT YOU HOLD ON TO IT. AND THEN YOU JUST STUFF IT IN THE GARBAGE. THAT’S HORRIBLE! I DON’T DO IT IN FRONT OF THEM! I WAIT TILL THEY’RE IN THEIR ROOM AND I BRING IN A GARBAGE CAN AND I THROW IT IN THERE. NO, I DON’T DO THAT.>>Stephen: YOU’RE– YOUR WIFE IS ALSO YOUR WRITING PARTNER.>>YES.>>Stephen: YOU GUYS CREATE YOUR SHOWS TOGETHER. I UNDERSTAND SHE IS RECOVERING NOW FROM A SERIOUS– SHE HAD A BRAIN TUMOR.>>IT WAS INSANE.>>Stephen: IS SHE ALL RIGHT?>>TWO MONTHS AGO– YEAH, SHE’S FINE. THEY REMOVED A BRAIN TUMOR. IT WAS DEBENIGN. SHE’S FINE. SHE’S HOME. THE BRAIN TUMOR IS GONE.>>Stephen: WAS IT– WAS IT BIG?>>IT WAS– IT WAS BIG. IT WAS– IT WAS– THE BRAIN SURGEON TOLD ME, HE GOES, “IT WAS THE SIZE OF A PEAR” WHICH IS– WHICH IS HUGE. AGAIN, SHE’S FINE. IT WAS CONFUSION– I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY ALWAYS– YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT MAYBE– IT’S ALWAYS FRUIT PEARS OR LEMONS. AND I THOUGHT ARE THESE DOCTORS BAD AT ANALOGIES? BUT THENY REALIZED THE SURGEON HE WAS PROBABLY JUST LOOKING AT ME GOING, “I HAVE TO DUMB THIS DOWN FOR THIS GUY. NO WAY THIS GUY UNDERSTANDS CENTIMETERS. HE PROBABLY DOESN’T EAT FRUIT, BUT HE’S PROBABLY– MAYBE HE’S SEEN A PEAR ON HIS WAY TO BUY ICE CONGRESSMEN, YOU KNOW.”>>Stephen: I’M GLAD TO HEAR SHE’S FINE.>>THANK YOU SO MUCH.>>Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ALBUM.

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