Jared Kushner, Chief White House Nepotism Beneficiary


WELCOME BACK. JON BATISTE AND “STAY HUMAN”
RIGHT THERE! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO GOOD TO BE BACK.>>Jon: REAL GOOD TO BE BACK. WOO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: LISTEN, JOHN, THESE PEOPLE ARE EXCITED. I’M VERY EXCITED TONIGHT. I’M VERY EXCITED. JUST A MINUTE WE’LL HAVE JANE
FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN SITTING OVER HERE. JAY YEAH, YEAH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: I HAVE MADE OUT WITH ONE OF THEM.>>Jon: I REMEMBER THAT.>>Stephen: DON’T GIVE IT
AWAY! WE’LL FIND OUT. DON’T TELL MY WIFE! ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHAT’S GOING ON? WASHINGTON IS A MESS RIGHT NOW,
BUT THAT’S GOING TO END SOON BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE JUST
ANNOUNCED THAT TRUMP’S SON-IN-LAW AND LEADER OF THE
PREPPY CAMP ACROSS THE LAKE, JARED KUSHNER, “WILL OVERSEE A
BROAD EFFORT TO OVERHAUL THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.” AND THE GOVERNMENT DESPERATELY
NEEDS OVERHAUL. SOMEBODY KEEPS PUTTING TOTALLY
UNQUALIFIED PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF. THAT’S GOTTA STOP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KUSHNER WILL BECOME THE HEAD OF SOMETHING CALLED “THE OFFICE OF
AMERICAN INNOVATION.” VAGUE. BUT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL
TITLE, “THE BUREAU OF OBVIOUS NEPOTISM.” ( LAUGHTER )
KUSHNER’S JOB WILL BE TO LEAD A TEAM TO FIX GOVERNMENT WITH
BUSINESS IDEAS. YOU KNOW HE HAS GREAT BUSINESS
IDEAS LIKE BEING BORN INTO A WEALTHY REAL ESTATE FAMILY. OR “MARRYING” INTO A WEALTHY
REAL ESTATE FAMILY. WHY HASN’T THE GOVERNMENT TRIED
THAT? ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW OFFICE “WILL BE STAFFED BY FORMER BUSINESS EXECUTIVES,
AND IS BEING DESCRIBED AS A SWAT TEAM OF STRATEGIC CONSULTANTS.” ALPHA NINER, THERE IS A BUDGET
REDUNDANCY IN THE BUREAU OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES, KICK IN
THE DOOR AND SHOOT ANYTHING THAT MOVES! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT KUSHNER HAS A BOLD VISION FOR THE OFFICE, SAYING, “THE
GOVERNMENT SHOULD BE RUN LIKE A GREAT AMERICAN COMPANY.” AND IF THEY CAN’T DO THAT, LIKE
A TRUMP COMPANY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOU CAN GO BANKRUPT. KUSHNER WENT ON TO EXPLAIN, “OUR
HOPE IS THAT WE CAN ACHIEVE SUCCESSES AND EFFICIENCIES FOR
OUR CUSTOMERS, WHO ARE THE CITIZENS.” HOLD IT A SECOND. WE’RE NOT CUSTOMERS. WE’RE CITIZENS. WHICH MEANS WE OWN THE STOMPLET
YOU WORK FOR US, BUDDY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY? AND I GOTTA SAY — I GOTTA SAY,
WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT, BREAK TIME IS OVER. WE’VE GOT A CLEAN UP IN AISLE
FIVE. SOMEBODY TOOK A DUMP IN
HEALTHCARE. SO GET THE MOP AND GO DEAL WITH
THAT. OKAY? NO SMOKING. BUT I’LL SAY THIS, IF YOU’RE
GOING TO RESHAPE THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, YOU
WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN REALLY FOCUS ON IT. LUCKILY, THE ONLY OTHER JOBS
TRUMP HAS GIVEN KUSHNER ARE “MANAGING THE DISPUTE WITH
MEXICO OVER TRUMP’S BORDER WALL,” AND “BROKERING MIDEAST
PEACE.” ( LAUGHTER )
OK, THAT’S A LITTLE MUCH FOR ONE FAMILY MEMBER. MAYBE THEY SHOULD GIVE PEACE IN
THE MIDDLE EAST TO TIFFANY. ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, THERE YOU GO. THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. OF COURSE, JARED WILL STILL HAVE
TIME FOR HIS HOBBIES LIKE “TESTIFYING BEFORE THE SENATE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN’S TIES TO
RUSSIA.” WELL —
NOT IF HE OVERHAULS THE GOVERNMENT FIRST. BUSINESS IDEA #1: NO SENATE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WE’LL JUST TRY IT! WE’LL JUST TRY IT! LET’S JUST RUN IT UP THE FLAG
POLE AND SEE IF ANYBODY INDICTS ME. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THERE IS ONE OTHER SMALL STORY I WASN’T HERE TO TELL YOU
ABOUT LAST WEEK. THE FBI IS INVESTIGATING THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN FOR COLLUDING WITH RUSSIA DURING THE ELECTION! YOU KNOW IT WAS A BUSY NEWS WEEK
WHEN I’M ONLY GETTING TO THE TREASON AT 11:56. 11:58. ( APPLAUSE )
IS THAT RIGHT? 12:02? LAST MONDAY, FBI DIRECTOR JAMES
COMEY SAID THIS ABOUT AN INVESTIGATION THAT’S BEEN GOING
ON SINCE JULY.>>THE FBI, AS PART OF OUR
COUNTERINTELLIGENCE MISSION, IS INVESTIGATING THE RUSSIAN
GOVERNMENT’S EFFORTS TO INTERFERE IN THE 2016
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AND THAT INCLUDES INVESTIGATING THE
NATURE OF ANY LINKS BETWEEN INDIVIDUALS ASSOCIATED WITH THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.>>STEPHEN: WOW! THE FBI IS INVESTIGATING THE
PRESIDENT FOR COLLUDING WITH A FOREIGN POWER. THAT IS HISTORIC! THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE MORE
HISTORIC IF YOU HAD TOLD US BEFORE THE (BLEEP) ELECTION! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNOW YOU WERE BUSY! CHECKING OUT THE WHOLE HILLARY
EMAIL THING, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION DENIES THERE WAS ANY COORDINATION
BETWEEN THEIR CAMPAIGN AND THE RUSSIANS. INSTEAD, TRUMP THINKS THE FBI
NEEDS TO CHANGE THE FOCUS OF THE INVESTIGATION, TWEETING, THE
REAL STORY THAT CONGRESS, THE FBI AND ALL OTHERS SHOULD BE
LOOKING INTO IS THE LEAKING OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. MUST FIND LEAKER NOW! WHAT? WHAT? DO I HEAR YOU CORRECTLY? YOU’RE MAD THAT WE FOUND OUT
WHAT WAS HAPPENING? WITH RUSSIA. THAT’S LIKE SAYING, “STOP
LOOKING FOR THE BURGLARS, I WANT TO KNOW WHO INSTALLED THE ALARM
SYSTEM. WHAT DID ADT KNOW AND WHEN DID
THEY KNOW IT? SLOMAN, YOU CAN’T HIDE BEHIND
THAT SHIELD FOREVER.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE GUY UNDER A LOT OF SUSPICION IS FORMER TRUMP ADVISOR AND MAN
WHO BOUGHT A FERRARI WITH HIS AUNT’S SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS,
PAUL MANAFORT, WHO, IN THE PAST, HAS BEEN PAID $13 MILLION BY
PRO-RUSSIAN AGENTS IN UKRAINE. BUT WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
SEAN SPICER SAYS IT’S NO BIG DEAL.>>THERE’S BEEN DISCUSSION OF
PAUL MANAFORT WHO PLAYED A VERY LIMITED ROLE FOR A VERY LIMITED
AMOUNT OF TIME.>>STEPHEN: “PLAYED A VERY
LIMITED ROLE FOR A VERY LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME.” YEAH, MANAFORT WAS ONLY THE
CAMPAIGN’S CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF STRATEGIST. HE DIDN’T HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB
LIKE “SON-IN-LAW.” ( LAUGHTER )
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JANE FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN.

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