Éadaoin: we’re here to drunk (slurs words) Drown? Oh, God, I haven’t even had a drink yet. (Ciara and Éadaoin start clapping) We’re here to drink poitín! Ciara: Yay!
Éadaoin: Woohoo! Title of video appears onscreen. “Irish People Try Poitín (Irish Moonshine)” Irish music plays and a pretty scene of the moors is onscreen as well. Dermot: D’you know what we’re drinkin’?
Lena: *distressed noises* Lena: Mate! I only started drinking like two years ago. I maybe drink on average, like, once every two months. (Dermot: *chuckles* mm-hmm.) …My tolerance is like *giggles nervously* -1000 Lolsy: (country Irish accent) Do you want to know what poitín is? Lolsy: Gets ya pisshed, so it will! (Dr. Sarina laughs)* Wha-what is it? Potatoes? Dr. S: It’ll make ya go blind. Dr. S (answering Lolsy’s question about potatoes): That’s vodka. Éadaoin: Dublin’s first poitín bar opened about two months ago. Ciara: No way!?
Ead: Yeah. Ciara: and it’s good because they’re doing it safely. Because if you drink the stuff that’s brewed in, like, sheds, you can go blind. it can take, literally, it can take paint off a wall. it can probably start your car. *Irish music plays as the first poitín brand pops up: Mad March Hare Irish Poitín Dr. S: Let’s do it. Lolsy *sings*: Hit me with your best shot! Woo! Dr. S: You’ve got a very nice voice, d’you know that, Lolsy? Lena: *nervous laughter*
Dermot *reading*: Mad March Hare…
Lena: Oh God! Ciara: Oh, it’s beautiful! Look, he’s got a little coat and a little monocle!
Éad: *reading* Quietly! Quietly distilled in Ireland… Ciara: Yeah, quietly, my hole.
Éad: Yeah… Dermot: It’s poitín in a branded bottle which is not how I normally see poitin. Poitin is usually in…in… Lena: Backyards! Dr. S: Classic Irish poitin of unrivaled smoothness and flavour. Éad: Right!
Ciara: Now, what’s the percentage on this? Éad: Go on, tell me!
Ciara: 40%?! Éad: Not too bad.
Ciara: Graaaand! Lolsy: Ooh! Screw cap, little disappointing.
Sarina: *sniffs* Oof! Lolsy: Oh no, really?
Sarina: Oh, Jesus! Éad: I don’t know how much to pour. Is that enough? Sarina: *cracks up laughing at Lolsy’s horrified response to sniffing the poitín* Lolsy: *shudders* eugh! UGH! hoo!
It packs a punch! Dermot: D’you want me to pour?
Lena: Yes! Dermot: That’s a…ohhh… *chuckles mischievously* Lena: is that a bad…? Is tha… I…oohhh… Dermot: You clearly haven’t seen any of these videos. Lena: Everyone in the comments just groaned simultaneously! Éad: Fuckin’ hell, this stinks! Oh my God, I’m gonna be pissed. Dermot: Chin-chin. Sláinte. Lena: How do you… how do you even drink this?
Dermot *sternly*: SIP IT Lena: *groans* Dermot: That’s actually grand! Lena: That’s not as scary as I thought it was. Sarina and Lolsy: *disgusted groans*
S: Oh my GOD! Ugh! Éad: That’s actually all right. *laughs*
Ciara: Yeah, it’s nice. Smells worse than it tastes. Dermot: is this pLena: Yes!? Oh, there it is, yep. That’s poitín! Yep. *laughs* Right in the back.
Lena: Okay! Sarina: Actually, you get some sweet notes afterwards. Lolsy: yeah, there’s like a vague flavor around the *disgusted noise* Ciara: It smells like the hairs on your nose are like tingling away. Dermot: Oh, that is shakin’ hands with my uvula!
Lena: *loud laughter* Ciara: I like it! Yeah, it’s lovely. Dr. S: It’s the drink you drink when you hate yourself and you wanna feel something. Dermot: Do we have the bucket? The bucket’s beside you, okay. Ciara: I love vodka so it just reminds me of vodka. Éad: It’s like a warmer vodka though. Dermot: *strained voice* It ain’t bad…*disgusted noises* Éad: It’s gonna make you loopy though, because it’s poitín.
Ciara: Yeah, it would. Lena: Whoo! *coughs* Dermot:There you go, yeah, like that. like that. Dermot: It’s grand.
Lena: Hmm. Everything’s fine. Ciara: In terms of it being a poitín, I wouldn’t give it a super high grade because it’s not like – it doesn’t burn. Lolsy: It doesn’t actually, no. it’s just a really horrible taste.
Dr. S: Yeah, it just tastes disgusting. Dermot: See, I thought I would throw up after that but I’m actually okay. (addressing Lena): You alright?
Lena: My heart is going faster. Ciara: It’s a nice drink but, if I was expecting poitín I would expect something, like, probably double the strength, uh, with a non-labeled bottle. Laura (reading): Ballykeefe distillery!
(not reading, just talking) with the three horses of the apocalypse. Ciara: 40% again, okay.
Ead: *groans* *Dermot fails to make a popping sound with cork, Dermot and Lena groan.* Dermot: That was useless… let me try it again. Ciara: This looks like something you’d get in an airport. Éad: It does. You’d bring that home to your nanny now. Lolsy: *pops cork* She and Dr. S sigh* Ciara: That’s fun! Dermot: Awww, that’s terrible. Éad: No… yeah, you’re..oh, yeah, okay.
Ciara: I’m not doing it right, am I? Lolsy: I normally get locked in these videos. I’m not even attempting it!I It smells like ARSE! Dermot: Um, who else is in this video by the way? Is Ciara in this video? Ciara: At TRY, y’know, they never really give “shot glasses.” They just kinda give a glass which is almost like “you pour your own.” Dermto: Goddamnit. She’s gonna make us all look like fools. Éad (quietly, amazed): You drink that like water, don’tcha! Ciara: It tastes different, doesn’t it? *Ead laughs, Dr. S. and Laura make disgusted noises.* Lena: It’s…Sweeter? Dermot: Sweeter, yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s a sweetness to it.
Lena: Yeah! Laura: ARGH! That tastes awful! Éad: It’s more, erm, malty? Dr. S: That has more of an ethanol taste to it. Lolsy: Doesn’t it? It makes you, like, salivate as well.
Dr. S: Yeah. Ciara: How do you … You’re just really good with flavors, aren’t you? I’m like (self-deprecating/mocking tone) “It’s more sting-y.” Lena: Only the tip of my tongue feels funny this time so that’s good.
*Dermot laugh/snorts* Lolsy: But it doesn’t burn! It. Doesn’t. Burn.
Dr. S (agreeing): No, it doesn’t burn! Éad:I’m enjoying it.
Ciara: Yeah! it was definitely stronger. It says 40% but I think that’s deceptive. Dr. S: Yeah, you wouldn’t be upset if someone stole that from your house. Lolsy: No, you’d be like “thank God they took that *laughs* away from me.” Dermot: You don’t… you don’t have to knock it back. Do you wanna knock it back or do you want to sip it? Do you want to enjoy it? Lolsy: So, it’s gonna be like “cool,” from Ciara. *cuts to Ciara speaking very calmly*: It feels, like, way more tingly and like it hits the back of your throat in a different way. Lolsy: and Dermot will be all like (impersonates Dermot): AW JAYSUS! *cuts to Dermot, red in the face, voice strained*
Dermot: Life is good. (pained groans, coughs).
Lena: *laughs* Kellie (off-screen): You ready for number three?
Ciara: Absolutely! Ead: How many are we having? Kellie (off-screen): Four.
Ciara: (in jest) Seven. *begins laughing.*
Éad: Okay. Lolsy: *belches* Ugh! Oh God! Tasted so disgusting!
*She and Dr.S laugh* Dermot: *reading while Lena coughs and heaves* There was a time when family farm distilleries flourished all over Ireland. (dramatically) Today… there is Ballykeefe. Lena (lying): Everything’s fine! Dermot: Did you just get sick? Spirit of Dublin Irish Poitin appears onscreen Dr. S: This bottle looks lovely!
Lolsy: It does. Ciara: Ooh, it’s so pretty!! Look at you, 52.5!
Éad: Is this, um….(Reading): Spirit of Dublin… Lolsy: Spirit of Dublin! *makes spooky noises* Dermot: Ohhh, ’cause it’s a spirit! see, see what they did there?
Lena: Ohhhhh. Ciara: *top of bottle makes a satisfying noise when she pulls it*
Éad: Oooh, lovely! Dr. S: Alright, my stomach’s burning.
Lolsy: *sighs* Lena (words are slurring, tries to say “see what I mean? let me have a look): Seee whaaa I mean, hmm? *chuckles* lemme ‘ave a look.
*Dermot and Lena laugh at her slurring speech* Dr. S: Is it number three?
Lolsy: yeah, this is number “tree.” TREE? number TREE? I saw the word “Dublin” and I’m like, “awright, lads? How’s it goin’?” Lena:I like this bottle the most. I think it’s the prettiest from an, uh, an aesthetic, aesthetic point of view. I like it a lot.
Dermot: Yeah, lovely, it’s very lovely. It is very nice… Éad: Whoever had this drank a shit ton of it. Ciara: *laughs* yeah.
Éad: The other ones had only been drank up to here! Ciara: Who… Who’s on this shoot? Lena: What the…?! *shows how much Dermot poured* Dermot: *clinks glasses* I GOT THE SAME! It’s fine, we’re grand. Lena: Yeeeahhh, I, um, just not an alcohol person… Dr. S: A haon, a dó, a trí. (One, two, three in Irish) *Lolsy and Dr. S tap their glasses on the table* Dermot: OH FUCK, OH JESUS, OH MY! (strained voice) That’s stronger than the last two! *disgusted groans* Éad: Oh, this is 52.5! *incoherent freaking out*
Ciara: Yeah! That’s what I was saying! THAT’S THE STING! Lolsy: Ohhhh, that went out the back of my neck, and my elbows!
Dr. S: *grumbling* Ohhh man. Dermot (pained): You don’t realize until you take a sip and I barely, I barely touched my tongue. Éad: I could take me fuckin’ nail polish off with this, just soak my nails in there…
Ciara: Uh-huh. Lolsy: That one really wakes you up! Sarina: Does it? *chuckles* Lolsy: That with a Berocca! Dermot: you know what, uh.. Lena: *gags/heaves, then laughs* Dermot (concerned/amused): You gonna? You really gonna… are you really gonna?
Lena: I’m fine. Dr. S: My eyes are getting squinty! just like… *she and Lolsy start giggling* Ead: I feel like singin’ a sailor song. Ciara: Ohmygod, I love sailor songs. which one? What are we singin?
Éad: Like rebel tunes or somethin’, y’know? Lena: He’s…*laughs*…mental *Ciara and Éad start singing an Irish song, “Oró, Sé Do Bheatha ‘Bhaile”* Dr. S: It’s fine! We love doing these shoots for your entertainment, you know that? *Ciara and Ead (aka “Mega Hot 2”) finish singing* Ciara: OH MY GOD, I FORGOT YOU SPOKE IRISH! THIS IS WHY YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE! *Éad celebrates* Dermot: You know when in Captain America: The First Avenger, where the tesseract falls onto the bottom of the floor and just keeps dropping down through the, through the… plane thing? Lena: *makes airplane crash noises* Dermot: That’s what’s happening to my throat right now! Dr. S: This is the moment where we start getting pissed. Lolsy: “How does it compare to the…?” I don’t know, Seán. How does the… how does a horse like its grass? Éad: I’m enjoying this one, but I think it’s because I’m a little bit tipsy. Ciara: Ohhh, 100%. Dermot: Kellie is protecting you, but she’s giving me two glasses worth of the fuckin’ stuff. Lena: I trust Kellie! Dr.S: Great! *laughs* Yeah… I mean it burns but d’you know what…?
Lolsy: It’ll do. It’ll do. It’ll do. burns… Lena: I know that I’m not all right, but I feel actually fine. Dermot: As soon as you walk out of here and the air hits you, you will, you will do a faceplant. Glendalough Mountain Strength Poitín appears onscreen Éad: We’re having Glendalough poitín! Ciara: Oh look! Literally, literally he’s like “come to meeee… and get drunk!” *Dr.S and Lolsy laugh hysterically and mock the logo* Dermot (sarcastically): Oh great! This one has the Grim Reaper on the front! That’s gonna… That’s gonna be fine! *Lolsy continues to makes fun of the logo* Lena: I like that he has a really big beard because a really big beard symbolizes that Gandalf wisdom, so I trust him, I trust the man Ciara: Is Poitín the oldest distilled drink in the world?
Éad: Apparently. Ciara: Really?
Ead: Apparently, yep. Dr. S: *pops the cork* *laughs* Lolsy: Aww, that wasn’t as satisfying. it went *makes funny noise, mimicking the cork’s sound* Dermot: 55%? Lena: Ah, she looks grand! Éad: Sláinte! Ciara:Cheers! Lena: I don’t wanna get up again. Dermot: Oh wow, no you stay there. You have a nap, it’s fine. I’ll take over for the rest of it. Dr. S: Fuck! That burns! That burns! Ohmygod, that burns! Dermot: Oh, y’know what? That’s kinda nice! *groans* Ciara: That’s a “fume-y” drink….
Éad: You are… Ciara: Like, it literally went in, and then out my nose.
Éad: You’re red in the eyes. *laughs* Ciara: Yeah, like I can feel it. Dr. S: Whoa! My stomach just burnt there.
Lolsy: *laughs* Dermot: Y’don’t even have time to realize that it tastes nice before it starts attacking you, d’you know what I mean? Ciara: People being like, “Ciara is… doesn’t get drunk…” Just poitín. This will get an actual fucking concrete wall drunk. Dr. S: It burns more but it’s not as bad because…four shots in. Lolsy *laughing*: The drunker you are…. …someone else finish that sentence. Dermot: Big deal if we can’t handle our drink! We’re havin’ a good time! Ciara: This is the trick with poitín. You think you’re sober and then you go outside and the next thing you know… Éad: Oh, the air will hit ya? Ciara: your teeth are in the back of your head!
Éad: Aw, no, don’t tell me that! Dr. S: You couldn’t drink that straight; like I don’t understand! Lolsy: Your mam! You’d drink it with your mam and then you’d cry about the state of the family… Ciara: This one’s great. This is probably the strongest one. Éad: It’s… It is! It’s, like, 55! Ciara: Like, this is legit the first time I’ve ever been drunk on a TRY Channel shoot! *Lena whines, Dermot makes various distressed noises. Lena mimics them and then she starts giggling*
Dermot: You alright? Dr.S: I’m gonna fight anyone that comments on this fuckin’ video! Ciara: I think everybody who’s never tried poitín before should try it! Lena: I liked the second one because it was sweet. Dermot (amazed): you can remember…you can tell the difference between all of ’em?? Lolsy: It’s, uh, like a novelty drink. (Sarina: Yeah.) I think the novelty behind the history of it, fine. Lena: I could recite… a… Sinatra for you so no I (dissolves into giggles). Dermot: RECITE A SINATRA! Dr. S: I’m doing it for the craic (Note: Irish slang for doing something for fun, basically) but like I think I have ringing in my ears
Lolsy: *laughs* Ciara: There’s a lot of spirits out there. You’ve got whiskey, you’ve got tequila, (Éad nods and starts swinging her hair around) you’ve got a lot of other ones I don’t even rem–(gets hit in the face by Éad’s hair) *lots of giggling*
Ciara: That was amazing! Lena: You should… subscribe.
Dermot: To what? Dermot: What should they subscribe to, Lena?
Lena: *through giggles* The channel. Dermot: What channel? Lena: This channel! And press the bell! Dermot: and which channel is this? which channel is it? Lena: The TRY…Channel. Dermot: The TRY channel. Where’s the bell? Lena: On the bottom. Dermot: It’s over there. Lena: That’s… It’s there.
Dermot: No, it’s right there. point to it. Lena: It’s there.
Dermot: It’s right THERE. There it is.