If You’re Watching This, Thermonuclear War Hasn’t Wiped Out Humanity


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY PEOPLE. HAPPY PEOPLE, OF COURSE. HAPPY TAX DAY, EVERYBODY. THIS IS THE DAY WHEN WE ALL
RELEASE OUR TAX RETURNS TO THE MAN WHO WON’T RELEASE HIS. NOW, TAX DAY IS TRADITIONALLY ON
THE 15th, BUT SINCE THAT WAS ON A SATURDAY, THIS YEAR THEY GAVE
EVERYONE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEIR BATHROOM IS
A “HOME OFFICE.” ( LAUGHTER )
I DO A LOT OF READING IN THERE. I DO A LOT– A LOT OF READING IN
THRNCHTS A LOT OF TWEETING, YOU KNOW.>>Stephen: BUT ON THE
15th, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MARCHED TO
GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEAUTIFUL IDEA. LOVELY. LOVELY IDEA. BUT THE TAX MARCH DID NOT GET
TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES, MUCH LIKE THE WOMEN’S MARCH DID NOT
GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS WOMAN, BUT NICE TRY, NICE TRY. BUT HE DID RELEASE SOME TWEETS. “I DID WHAT WAS AN ALMOST AN
IMPOSSIBLE THING TO DO FOR A REPUBLICAN– EASILY WON THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE! NOW TAX RETURNS ARE BROUGHT UP
AGAIN?” ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, I KNOW YOU WON, BUT YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS AREN’T
RELATED, RIGHT? “HEY, I JUST WON A SPELLING BEE! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING IN MY CRAWL
SPACE?” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S ALL RIGHT, THAT’S ALL RIGHT, THAT’S ALL RIGHT. AND TRUMP DEMANDED TO KNOW WHO
WAS REALLY BEHIND THE TAX MARCHES. “SOMEONE SHOULD LOOK INTO WHO
PAID FOR THE SMALL ORGANIZED RALLIES YESTERDAY. THE ELECTION IS OVER!”
YES, WHO PAID FOR THE RALLIES? I MEAN, THEY WERE AUTHENTIC AND
DREW PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, SO WE KNOW IT WASN’T PEPSI. ( LAUGHTER )
DELICIOUS. I COULD GO. DELICIOUS PRODUCT, THOUGH, IT’S
A DELICIOUS PRODUCT. PLEASE BUY IT. ARE THEY A SPONSOR? ARE THEY A SPONSOR? SURE, WHY NOT? AND YESTERDAY, DURING SEAN
SPICER’S DAILY SPICENING, THE QUESTION OF TRUMP’S TAXES CAME
UP AGAIN.>>IS IT TIME TO JUST SAY ONCE
AND FOR ALL, THE PRESIDENT IS NEVER GOING TO RELEASE HIS
TAX RETURNS?>>UMM, WE’LL HAVE TO GET BACK
TO YOU ON THAT.>>IF YOU WANT– I MEAN, SO
YOU… I MEAN, REALLY?>>REALLY.>>SO HE MAY?>>NO, I SAID I’D HAVE TO GET
BACK TO YOU ON THAT.>>SO YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY IF
HE’LL EVER RELEASE HIS TAXES? NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS? HOW ABOUT THIS SCENARIO– ALIENS
TAKE OVER THE EARTH, ENSLAVE MANKIND, AND THEIR ONE WEAKNESS
THE ONE WAY TO DESTROY THEM AND FREE HUMANITY IS THEY ARE EASILY
SUSCEPTIBLE TO 2000-200STEF ITEMIZED TAX RETURNS FROM
DONALD J. TRUMP. WOULD HE RELEASE THEM THEN?>>I SAID I’D HAVE TO GET BACK
TO YOU ON THAT.>>Stephen: HE’S CONSISTENT,
HE’S CANNOT. OF COURSE, WHO HAS TIME TO WORRY
ABOUT TAXES WHEN WE’RE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR WITH NORTH KOREA. BUT NEVER FEAR, THE WHITE HOUSE
SENT MIKE PENCE TO THE D.M.Z., AND BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS SO
SERIOUS, HE WORE HIS TOP GUN HALLOWEEN COSTUME. ( LAUGHTER )
♪ THE DANGER ZONE ♪ I WOULD LIKE TO SEE– I WOULDN’T
MIND– I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MIKE PENCE PLAY SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL
IN BLUE JEANS.>>Jon: YEAH, THAT WOULD BE
NICE.>>Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, IF HIS
WIFE WAS THERE. AND PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT
OUT FOR HIM BECAUSE YESTERDAY A NORTH KOREAN U.N. REPRESENTATIVE WARNED
“THERMONUCLEAR WAR MAY BREAK OUT AT ANY MOMENT.” NOW, THIS SHOW PRE-TAPES, SO IF
YOU’RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RIGHT NOW, WE MADE IT! TO… ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
11– 11:41. I’M GOING TO CALL 11:41. AND THIS TIME, IT ISN’T NORTH
KOREA WITH AN ERRATIC, TRIGGER-HAPPY LEADER. ACCORDING TO ONE RUSSIAN
OFFICIAL, “TRUMP IS MORE IMPULSIVE AND UNPREDICTABLE
THAN KIM JONG-UN.” WELL, THEN, RUSSIA, YOU SHOULD
HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU ELECTED HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
OUR PRESIDENT-. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT? WHAT! WHAT! I JUST PUT THE– I FORGOT TO PUT
THE– I’M SURE CBS WON’T MIND. ( LAUGHTER )
LUCKILY, OUR PRESIDENT HAD SOME REASSURING WORDS THIS MORNING ON
“THE FOX AND THE FRIENDS.”>>THE VICE PRESIDENT IS IN ASIA
DOING THE FOUR-STOP TOUR, AND HE SAID, BASICALLY, THE U.S. IS
RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE, CLEARLY A MESSAGE TO NORTH KOREA. YOU HAVE A NAVY FLEET THAT IS
SENT INTO THE SEA OF JAPAN RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU RULED OUT A MILITARY
STRIKE?>>I DON’T WANT TO TELEGRAPH
WHAT I’M DOING OR WHAT I’M THINKING.>>Stephen: OKAY, BUT CAN YOU AT
LEAST CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE THINKING AND THAT YOU’RE
FAMILIAR WITH MORE CURRENT TECHNOLOGY THAN A TELEGRAPH? ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER WHAT TRUMP WAS ASKED IN THIS INTERVIEW, THEY TAPED IT
MONDAY BUT SHOWED IT THIS MORNING. TRUMP NEVER GAVE A STRAIGHT
ANSWER.>>DID WE SABOTAGE THE NORTH
KOREA STRIKE?>>I DON’T WANT TO COMMENT ON
IT.>>OKAY, WHAT HAPPENS IF NORTH
KOREA LAUNCHES ANOTHER MISSILE?>>WE WILL FIND OUT.>>ALL RIGHT.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD WAR. NOW HERE’S A WORD FROM OUR
SPONSOR EVERBLAST SUBTERREAN, LEAD-LINED BUNKERS,
“EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD.” THEY’RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR
MOTTO. THEY’RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR
MOTTO. ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR US? I’D LOVE TO BE IN MY BLAST
SHELTER WITH A PEPSI. IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC. ALSO, I NOTICED SOMETHING ODD
ABOUT HOW TRUMP REFERS TO NORTH KOREA’S LEADER:
>>BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY’VE BEEN TALKING WITH THIS GENTLEMAN FOR
A LONG TIME. THEY HAVE ALL BEEN OUTPLAYED BY
THIS GENTLEMAN.>>Stephen: I DON’T THINK TRUMP
KNOWS KIM JONG-UN’S NAME. ( LAUGHTER )
I DON’T– “THIS GENTLEMAN. ?”
ARE THEY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB TOGETHER? WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING HIM
“THIS GENTLEMAN?” EITHER THAT, OR THE BEST
NICKNAME HE CAN COME UP WITH IS “THIS GENTLEMAN.” AND, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU’RE KNOWN
FOR YOUR NICKNAMES. YOUR LYIN’ TED, YOUR CROOKED
HILLARY. AND THIS GUY IS A NAME BONANZA. HOW ABOUT SHIITAKE MUSHROOM
HAIR, THE DEAR EATER, CHAIRMAN COW, THE DICTATOR TOT,
EL PRESIDUMPTY, THE GLORIOUS PEOPLE’S RE-PIGLET. ANYTHING AT ALL FOR THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOKS FANTASTIC. NOW, WE KNOW TRUMP NEVER BACKS
DOWN FROM A FIGHT AS LONG AS SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO HIS
FIGHTING. JUST LISTEN– JUST LISTEN TO ONE
OF HIS RALLIES WILL LAST YEAR WHEN SOME PROTESTERS INTERRUPTED
HIS SPEECH.>>GET ‘EM OUT. GET ‘EM OUT. GET ‘EM OUT. LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE, SOME
WONDERFUL PEOPLE. AWWWWW. GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT! GET OUT! UNBELIEVABLE! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!>>Stephen: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! THAT GUY’S IN CHARGE OF THE
U.S.A. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THAT WAS IN LOUISVILLE LAST YEAR, AND TRUMP’S SUPPORTERS
PROVIDED ALL THE SLUGGING. AND NOW THOSE PROTESTORS ARE
SUING DONALD TRUMP FOR INCITING VIOLENCE AT HIS RALLIES, WHICH
IS KIND OF LIKE SUING OLIVE GARDEN FOR INCITING BREADSTICKS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS A SIMPLE COUNTERARGUMENT: SUCK IT. BECAUSE THE PRESIDENCY, HE SAYS
MAKES HIM IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS. OH, IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS. I FINALLY KNOW WHY HE RAN FOR
PRESIDENT. “MR. TRUMP, MR. TRUMP,
MR. TRUMP, AS YOUR LAWYER I SHOULD ADVISE YOU, YOU HAVE OVER
70 PENDING LAWSUITS AGAINST YOU.” “OKAY, I’VE GOT AN IDEA. GIVE ME THAT HAT.” ONE WHITE NATIONALIST WHO’S
BEING SUED BY PROTESTERS, MATTHEW HEIMBACH, CLAIMS THAT
TRUMP SHOULD HAVE TO PAY ANY DAMAGES BECAUSE HEIMBACH, “ACTED
PURSUANT TO THE DIRECTIVES AND REQUESTS OF DONALD J. TRUMP.” SO TO SUM UP: A WHITE
SUPREMACIST ROUGHS UP PROTESTOR, PROTESTOR SUES WHITE
SUPREMACIST, AND INSTEAD OF BLAMING MINORITIES, WHITE
SUPREMACIST BLAMES HIS PROBLEMS ON A POWERFUL WHITE
GUY. PROGRESS, BABY STEPS. BABY STEPS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAKES YOU FEEL– SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE IN HERE. TRUMP IS SCHEDULED TO MAKE A
STATE VISIT TO GREAT BRITAIN LATER THIS YEAR, AND NOT
EVERYONE IN OLD ENGLAND IS FEELING JOLLY ABOUT IT. A PETITION TO CANCEL THE VISIT
WAS SIGNED BY 1.8 MILLION PEOPLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
1.8. WOW! 1.8 MILLION. THAT’S A HUGE NUMBER. I MEAN, THAT’S LIKE A FAKE
INAUGURATION CROWD NUMBER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE DOESN’T WANT JUST ANY ARRIVAL WHEN HE GETS THERE. “TRUMP WANTS A GOLD-PLATED
CARRIAGE RIDE WITH THE QUEEN.” I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER HE WANTS
THE GOLD-PLATED CARRIAGE RIDE WITH THE QUEEN? TO MAKE HIM FEEL IMPORTANT. OR… OH NO! YOUR MAJESTY! IF YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF
TIC-TACS, JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND GET AWAY. I’M TELLING HER TO GET AWAY FROM
HIM. YOU UNDERSTAND, I’M THE GOOD GUY
IF THIS SCENARIO. YOU UNDERSTAND. I’M BEING HELPFUL IN THE THING I
JUST MADE UP. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THANK YOU. AND THE GOLDEN CARRIAGE IS JUST
ONE OF TRUMP’S FLASHY DEMANDS. WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE
LETTER THAT TRUMP SENT OVER TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THE REST
OF HIS WISHES. IT’S THE ACTUAL LETTER BECAUSE
IT’S GOT THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL RIGHT THERE, AND YOU CAN’T FAKE
THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
LEGALLY, I THINK I COULD GO TO JAIL.>>Jon: THAT’S IT.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW IN
ENGLAND WHAT THEY DO WITH THAT. JIMMY, HERE WE GO:
“EHHH… DEAR QUEEN, WHILE I’M IN GREAT ENGLAND, TREMENDOUS
BRITAIN, THE U.K., I DEMAND TO DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS: PULL A
SWORD FROM A ROCK, KISS A SLEEPING WOMAN, DEPORT
PADDINGTON BEAR, DECAPITATE THE EX-WIFE OF MY CHOOSING, MIND THE
GAP, HAVE A SLICE OF SHEPHERD’S PIE– IF THAT’S A SEX THING–
INVADE NARNIA, AND KILL HARRY POTTER!”
( LAUGHTER ) “SINCERELY, DONNIE.” IT WAS ALL FUNNY UNTIL WE KILLED
HARRY POTTER. BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, AND I DON’T JUST MEAN THE FOUNDING
FATHERS WHO GET TO HAVE FUN SPINNING AROUND IN THEIR GRAVES. WHEEEEEEEE! NO, I’M TALKING ABOUT OUR OLD
FRIENDS THE OBALM AS. THIS WEEK, THEY WERE IN
POLYNESIA, AND SOMEONE MANAGED TO GET THIS SHOT OF
BARACK TAKING A VACATION PICTURE OF MICHELLE POSING FOR A PICTURE
ON A YACHT? WOW. MICHELLE DECIDED TO PLAGIARIZE
MELANIA FOR ONCE. ( LAUGHTER )
CAN WE GET THAT BACK UP AGAIN? LET’S GET A CLOSER LOOK. HE’S TAKING THE PICTURE ON AN
iPAD. “DAAAD! COME ON! THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN UNCLE
JOE MADE EVERYONE LOOK AT HIS LEANING TOWER OF PENIS.” AND WE MISS YOU, SIR. WE MISS YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THE OBAMAS WEREN’T EVEN THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE
BOAT, BECAUSE JOINING THEM ON THE SUPER-YACHT WERE “OPRAH, AS
WELL AS TOM HANKS AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.” THAT IS NEARLY ALL OF AMERICA’S
STRATEGIC LIKABILITY RESERVE! I JUST PRAY TO GOD THEY PUT
DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON IN A SECURE LOCATION. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. ALEC BALDWIN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.

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