FULL FRONTAL SERVICE | Cards Against Humanity


*high five sound effect* Bob: Do you guys wanna see some game-breaking shit? Jack: Ahhhhhhhhh! Bob: Yeah, *LAUGHS* Jack: Scared the shit out of me! Mark: Ohoh, it’s like we’re friends hangin’ out in real life! *JACK LAUGHS* Bob: I know, right Wade: That it is, that it is. Jack: Dude… It’s just like real life!! *high fives himself* Wade: Jack, you go first. Jack: Okee-smokes… Jack: I can’t fu- how do I…?
Bob: Oh, what is this? Bob: What this says…
Jack: Okay…
Wade: So you can rotate this by scrolling your mouse wheel. *MARK LAUGHS* Jack: Okay… Mark: WE UNDERSTAND HOW TO PLAY, WADE! Bob: Jesus… Jack: How do I zoom? Bob: STAPH IT! Jack: Okay, okay, okay! Jack: SHUT UP! EVERYBODY STOP!! Jack: *Reading the black card* “When I am president of the United States, I will create the department of… BLANK!!” *VARIOUS LAUGHTER* Mark: How do we submit? Jack: Oh yeah, how do…? Wade: You just grab a card, you flip it over and you… Bob: Put it over and stick it out there, yea. Bob: Alright, I’m comin’. *JACK LAUGHS* Wheres the pile? Bob: Is this the pile? Jack: Okay… Bob: You can right click on it and even shuffle if you so desire Jack: Ah, shuffle.
Wade: Oh yeah, you can mix it u… you can grab ’em and like shuffle ’em, like that. Jack: Dude, thats cool.
Mark: Oh, that’s so cool! Bob: So kewl! Jack: Okay! Jack: But I… Everyone’s just like: Jack: “I don’t care about the game, I just wanna mess with the hands.” (LAUGHTER) Jack:(Reading the black card) “When I become the president of the United States, I will create the department of…” Jack: (Reading the white cards) “A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.” Wade: Ooh! Jack: What a fuckin’ weak card… Bob: (Sadly) Oh… (JACK LAUGHS) Jack: “When I am president, I will create the department of ‘jerking off into a pool of children’s tears.'” Jack: THAT is a good…. (NERVOUSLY LAUGHS) Jack: Whos drawing dicks? (MARK CHUCKLES) Mark: Das a good department! Jack: “I will create the department of ‘Nazis.'” (Mark quietly chuckles) Jack: OKAY… (LAUGHS) (MARK LAUGHS) Jack: I… STOP IT! (BOB LAUGHS) Bob: I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! Jack: I’m gonna have to go with the department of “children’s pool of tears.” Wade: Aww… Mark: That wasn’t the department name! Wade: I got it!
Mark: JERKING OFF into a pool of children’s tears, mister! (JACK LAUGHS) Wade: Yeah, Bob you’re next. Jack: There you go, Bob. (CHUCKLES) Mark: I’m ready bob. Jack: What does it say? Wade: There ya go…
Bob: All right…
Wade: Okay… Bob: Hey, OH! OH GOD! Bob: Hang on, Sorry! Mark: Where you goin’? Bob: I’m putting it in front of me. Bob: See, it’s not fun when it moves around! (MARK GRUNTS) Bob: (Teasing) Can you read it now!? Can you read it now, bitches!? (EVERYONE LAUGHS) Jack: What’re you doin’? Bob: Hey! Baby. Bob: (Reading the black card) “Come back to my place, and I’ll show you ____!” Jack: Um, okay! Bob : I’m gonna put it out here since that’s like the… (JACK INHALES) Jack: Oh, God, augh! Bob: The official…
Jack: I’m-I’m always like, I can go for the… I can go for the twelve year-old answer, or the one I think is actually, like, smart.
Bob: Wait… Wade: Where did Bob… Oh! You put the card here…
Bob: The official… It’s out-it’s out in the middle! Mark: Yeah, why didn’t you keep it over there? Bob: The official stack, it goes inside this box or it doesn’t count. Mark: Ok, alright then. Jack: BOOP!
Bob: Welp, way to flip yours over buddy. (BOB LAUGHS) Jack: Uh… (BOB CONTINUES LAUGHING) Jack: OKAY…
Bob: Alright, I gotta… I GOTTA… I’M GONNA SHUFFLE IT, ALRIGHT? Bob: Just chill out…
Jack: No, you SAW WHAT IT WAS! (WADE LAUGHS) Bob: It’s fine.
Jack: SHUTTUP! (WADE CONTINUES LAUGHING) Bob: This is fine, this is fine, look, I’m…
Jack: FUCKOS! Bob: I’m shufflin’ like crazy. Jack: Good lines, buddy. Mark: Thanks… (BOB MANIACALLY LAUGHS) Bob: (Quietly) It’s a dick… (VARIOUS LAUGHTER)
Wade: It’s a dick.
Bob: It’s a dick! Bob: Alright. Let’s do this shit. Bob: (Reading the black card) “Hey, baby, come back to my place and I’ll show you _____.” Bob: Heh, (reading the white card) “Making the penises kiss.” (LAUGHTER) Bob: “Come back to my place and I’ll show you ‘the passage of time!'” Bob: “Come back to my place and I’ll sh…”
Jack and Bob: Oh, jeez!
(MARK AND WADE LAUGH) (JACK NERVOUSLY LAUGHS) Bob: Well that one’s a loser! Jack NO! Bob: You’re all stinko over there! Bob: This one… Bob: Or this one?
Jack: See, I don’t… ah! Jack: I never go for the crudeness.
Bob: This one, or this one? Bob: I have an idea. (BOB HUMS CIRCUS TUNE)
(JACK AND WADE LAUGH) Bob: Uh, I gotta go with “making the penises kiss.” Mark: Yay! Take that, incest! Mark: Heh…
Jack: Heh. Bob: Oh, so are these just, like, free to take? Mark: NO! Bob: It’s in my hand now. See ya.
Mark: No! Wade: Oh, shit, you can steal things from people’s hands? Bob: Oh, fuck!
Jack: Yeah, it’s so dumb!
Bob: Oh my god! (BOB AND MARK LAUGH) Jack: I don’t know why that’s a thing that can happen. Jack: I’M SORRY that I’m being the funniest! (Mark: Auuuugh)
Bob: You suck! You’re not funny at all 😀 Mark: It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how you use it. Mark: It’s the motion of the ocean. (laughing) (Mark: GOD!)
Jack: It’s the subtlety! ^-^ Mark: Hell yeah. All about girth. [laughs]
Wade (reading black card): “_____. It’s a trap!” Mark: I tattooed a ruler on my dick.
Wade: Girth. It’s a trap! [Jack laughs]
Mark: Wait. “_____. It’s a trap”? Wade: *Girth.* It’s a trap. Jack: Oh. “_____. It’s a trap!” Okay. Bob: Look, I drew Mark’s dick. It’s got a ruler on it. [Jack laughs]
Mark: Hell yeah. Bob: I almost drew, I almost drew, uh, I almost drew somethin’ else, but I didn’t. Jack: Oh, there we go. [makes fart sound] Jack [reading writing]: “Win-ning”. [laughs] [Bob laughs]
Mark: All right. Jack: Who’s Win Ning?
Wade: Everybody in?
[Mark and Jack make unintelligible noises] Wade (reading cards): “The Donald Trump Seal of Approval. It’s a trap!” Jack: Ohhh.
Wade: What the? [Bob laughs]
Wade: Get that ruler out of here! Wade (reading cards): “Nothing. It’s a trap!” Wade (reading cards): “Almost giving money to a homeless person. It’s a trap!” [Bob and Jack laugh] Wade: I gotta give it to the homeless. Jack: Yes! Mark: What? What!?
Wade: Oh my God! Jack: Yeah, baby! Bob: Woah. Who wrote “Fuck you!” in green? Bob: Who writes in *green?*
[Mark laughs] Bob: What the fuck?
Jack: Ummm… Jack: Hey, what’s over there? [Jack makes unintelligible noises]
Bob: Who fucking… Bob: Who fucking would fucking *do* that, man? Bob: Know what I’m talking about? What the fuck.
Wade: There. I cleaned it up. Bob: Woah. [Jacks laughs]
Wade: Why do you have *cubes!?* Jack: Just [imitates Bob] “Woah.” Bob: Woah.
Jack: You got rid of the cards! Bob: No I didn’t.
Mark [annoyed]: Ohhh! Jack: Bob, what are you doing? Wade: Wha-?
Bob: It’s fine. This is fine. Jack (reading black card): “BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ________.” Jack: What kind of fuckin’ suction cup nipples are you drawing? Bob: That is not even remotely what I thought you were drawing. Wade: This is a butt-hole with boob nipples.
Mark: Hell…hell yeah. Wade: As opposed to *other* nipples.
Mark: The best of both worlds, man. [laughs] [Jack laughs] Jack: Okay. Everybody shut up and pay attention. Bob: Eh, okay.
Wade: Okay. Jack (reading cards): “BILLY MAYS HERE FOR Crippling OCD.” Jack: The fact that the “OC” is so close together and the “D” is not- Mark: You got- You gotta *yell* these. Jack: -is triggering my OCD.
Mark: You gotta really yell these. Wade: The “D” needs its own space. Jack (reading cards, yelling): “BILLY MAYS HERE FOR NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT!” [Bob and Mark laugh]
Wade: Here. Jack? Jack, you can keep this card. Jack: Thanks, man. Jack (reading cards, yelling): “BILLY MAYS HERE FOR LETTING EVERYONE DOWN!” [laughs] Mark: He never let *me* down.
[Bob laughs] Jack: Okay. That’s the winner. This is the winner, right here.
Wade: YES! Finally! Mark: Awww!
Bob: Fuck you, Wade. Jack: Just ’cause-
Mark: Fuck you, Wade.
Wade: I’ve only won a second card! Mark: Fuck you, Wade.
Jack: Just ’cause I read it out loud like that was awesome. [laughs] Jack: There.
Bob (reading black card): “My plan for world domination begins with ______.” Bob: Right nipple. Jack: Hmm. What would-
Bob: Something happened to that left nipple. Jack: What would-
Bob: Something happened over here that’s not quite right. Jack: What would let you *win?*
Mark: Hey, who put this in my hand? Mark: Somebody put the other card from the last round in my hand. Bob: Oh, I may have flicked it *into* your hand.
[Wade laughs] Bob: Shuffle the shit out of this for a second. Jack: Shuffle ’em, bro! Do it!
Bob: Shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle… Jack: That’s some sick shuffling.
Bob: Shuffle shuffle…shuffle… Jack: That’s why they call you The Shuffler.
Bob: All right. Here we go. Bob (reading cards): “My plan for world domination begins with…” Bob: Aw fuck. Give me *one* of those fuckers. Bob (reading card): “Jenny awkwardly trying to seduce Nathan Fillion.” Wade: Jenny! Jack: Come on, Jenny. Mark: Who’s Jenny?
Jack: Yeah.
Bob: Who’s Jenny? Jack: Good question.
Wade: *I* don’t know Jenny.
Mark: Oh, *I* know what that is. Bob (reading cards): “My plan for world domination begins with unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks.” Wade: Oh! I’m hungry, that sounds so *good!* [Jack laughs]
Bob (reading cards): “My plan for world domination begins with pooping as quietly as possible.” Bob: Man, I’ve been *there.* [Jack, Mark and Wade laugh] Bob: What? You’ve never been in a situation where you had to poop as quietly as possible? Wade: Like in the middle of a library?
Jack: Nah, man. I go hell for leather on *all* my poops. Bob: Like if you’re in the bathroom and someone you know walks in and you’re just like [whispers] “Oh no.” Mark: No, I- I got you. Bob: I don’t need that one, so it’s out.
Wade: Oh hey, are you discarding *mine* first? That’s great. Bob: Yay.
[Jack laughs] Jack: Why are the boobs bleeding?
Bob: I gotta go with- Bob: I gotta go with “Pooping as quietly as possible.”
Mark: Yaaay! Jack: Yeah. Good-
Mark: Everyone-
Bob: Thank God it wasn’t Jack’s card. Jack: Good call.
Mark: Everyone’s bad, and I’m great! Bob: Okay. Sure. Jack: Sure, we’ll go with that, Mister Two Cards. Bob: Good f- ohhh…
Wade: Hey! hey, that’s all *I’ve* got! Mark: Hey, hey, hey! Come on now! Come on now.
Bob: I only have *one.* Mark: Collectively, all of us combined have the same number of cards as you.
Bob: Is- is *one* good? Jack: Yeah. [laughs] Mark: All right. [reading black card] “And what did you bring for show and tell?” Bob: Oh lord.
Jack: Ohhhh. Bob: Shitty fucking Cards Against Humanity cards. Mark: Uh…
Jack: Hmmm. Mark: This place is big! Mark: “And what did you bring for show and…” [muttering] stop, stop, stop… [Wade laughs]
Mark: Got it. Hah-hah! [Wade and Bob laugh]
Mark (reading card): “My collection of high-tech sex toys”… Jack: *That’s* out. Mark (reading card): “A crappy little hand”… [laughs] Wade: What? [laughs]
[Bob laughs] Mark (reading card): “Being paralyzed from the neck down.”
Jack: Oh! Wade, is that *you* again? Wade: *Why* would that be *me!?*
[Bob and Mark laugh] Jack: You’re the one who picks the horrible ones! Bob: Ohhh. [laughs]
Wade: Wha-!? Bob: Yeah, you’re the one who said that thing about that other thing. Mark: I’m gonna judge this based on what I’d be most impressed at at a Show and Tell, Mark: And *that’s* not impressive. Bob (disappointed): Oh! Wade: HAH! NOT ME!
[Mark laughs] Mark: The cra- A crappy little hand is kinda…kinda… Mark: I don’t get it. [whispers] Oh God. Mark: I like the sex toys. Wade: Yes!
Jack: God-fuckin’-dammit. Mark: Hah-hah.
Bob: Oh, like *you* don’t have enough cards already. Fuck you. [Mark laughs] Mark: Wade…I mean, I’m proud of you for *admitting* it.
[Jack laughs] Mark: Stand for what you believe in. Wade: That’s definitely *my* handwriting.
Jack: Wade, you wrote that upside-down? That’s impressive. Bob: Yeah, can’t believe you wrote that upside-down, Wade. That’s pretty cool. Bob: Good job, buddy.
Wade: Thank you. Mark: Good job.
Wade: I’ll underline it so everyone can read it easily. Jack (reading black card): “What don’t you want-” Wade (butting in, reading): “What don’t you want to find in your Chinese food?” Like this shit. Get that out of here. Jack: Ummm…Mmmmm… Wade: That’s a shitty card. I’m picking a new one. Bob: Somebody should’ve changed a crappy little hand.
Wade: New card! Wade (reading black card): But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you _______.”
Mark: What? No! Aw, come on! What!? Mark: NO! Mark: I had the perfect card!
Jack: Ugh… Wade: Yeah, never mind. I want a different card. All right, here we go.
[Jack yells angrily] Mark: What are you doing!? Wade (reading black card): “Now in bookstores: ‘The Audac-‘” [quietly] Fuck. Bob: Wade, I don’t think this is how this works.
Mark: What the fuck? This is bullshit! Jack (yelling): BAAAH! Wade: Aw, come on!
Bob [laughs]: The boobs are in midair! [Jack laughs]
Bob: Ha-ha-…Aw. Wade: Fine! “What don’t you want to find in your Chinese food?” We’ll just play the first card. Mark: Good! Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be. [laughs] Jack: Yeah! Yeah!
Wade: I don’t know where it is, but- Wade: “What don’t you want to find in your Chinese food?” Jack: Uh, Wade! That’s what! Wade (reading card): “The Hamburgler!” Jack: I would not want to find *that* in my Chinese food.
[Wade laughs] Bob: Like, *all* of him? Wade: *All* of him.
Bob: He’s pretty big. Wade: Just a *part* of him.
Jack: No he’s not; he’s a tiny little man. Wade (reading black card): “What don’t you want to find in your Chinese food?” (reading white card, shocked) “A bloody pacifier.” Bob: Oh God. [laughs] That- That would be bad.
Jack: That is correct. Bob: That would be a no-no.
Mark: That tells a story. Wade: “It’s-a me, General Tso. what happened to my baby? Oh no!” Jack: Yep. Christopher Walken, General Tso. Bob: Wh- What?
Wade (imitating Walken): “It’s-a me…General Tso! What’s-a happen?” Wade (reading black card): “What don’t you want to find in your Chinese food?” (reading white card) “A boo-boo.” [laughs] Jack: Ohhh! Oh, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Mark: Like *Honey* Boo-Boo? Wade: A boo-boo. [laughs] My chicken has a boo-boo. [Jack laughs] Wade: I think of all these, I don’t want to find a bloody pacifier. Mark: Yaaay! Aw, hell yeah.
Bob (disappointed): Ohh!
Jack: Yeah, I’d- I’d agree with that. Mark: See? I told you I had a good one.
Wade: All right, so… Jack: Bob, did you just steal th- two of…You stole *three* of my cards! Bob: No, I *had* one! I fucking had one! Don’t you steal my card.
[Mark laughs] Jack: Who stole the *other* one?
[Wade and Mark laugh] Wade: He’s just throwing them off the side of the- [laughs] Jack: I had five cards and now I have three. Bob: I don’t think so. I don’t recall you having that many. Mark: Yeah, I don’t recall either.
Wade: So, Jack got last place… Jack: It’s okay.
Mark: Yeah, Jack got last.
Bob: Jack didn’t get any cards. Wade: And Bob won because this is golf. Mark: Yeah, Bob won. He had the lowest.
Jack: Yeah. Bob won. I agree. Bob won.
Bob: Yeah. Good game, everybody. Bob: Is this zone right here a penis?
Wade: It’s an elephant. Jack: It’s a snake! Jack: Oh wait. Can I do this? [laughs]
Wade: It’s Dobby! Jack: *There’s* the Bone Zone! [laughs] [Bob laughs]
Wade: Why is your snake creeping up on me? [Bob laughs]
Wade: Any why is there a Creeper on top of it?
Jack: It’s got one swollen testicle. Jack: Wait. It’s got one swollen testicle. Bob: Oh God. Some sort of horrible thing happened to the front of it. Bob: I don’t know what happened, but I’m really sorry about it. Jack:I have blue balls, that’s why. [outro music plays] [Jack makes a loud, incoherent noise]
Bob: Oh!

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