Dungeons Against Humanity, episode 1

Welcome to Dungeons Against Humanity. I’m your host and the DM of the game, Sam Wise. I created Dungeons Against Humanity as a world building tool using D&D 5e and Cards Against Humanity. The way it works– you take 20 cards against humanity
and you create an age, an age of that continent being about 300 years, and I’m
gonna just do an example for you right now. Live! So the 20 cards that I have
drawn are as follows: Tom Cruise, gladiatorial combat, treason, some really
fucked-up shit, Barack Obama, Lady Gaga, Genghas Khan, (ooh!) the token minority, the
systemic destruction of an entire people and their race (getting dark here)
goblins, (always need goblins) and finally, a slack-jawed yokel. So the cards that
you draw that are people, like Barack Obama or Lady Gaga or Genghis Khan or
Tom Cruise, those become the leaders of your age or the public figures of your
age. Obviously Lady Gaga is a bard who leads her people via song. Then we’ve got
Tom Cruise: obviously a strange religious figure who leads a cult of some kind. Barack Obama–an elf, I would guess? from the ears? Then you
start looking at other stuff obviously this land has goblins in it. There’s–I’m
gonna say that gladiatorial combat and treason are both aspects of Tom Cruise’s
weird religion. Genghis Khan obviously a barbarian who is threatening
this land with invasion. So you get the idea. I’m not gonna go through all of
these cards, but you you get the idea of what you’re going for–you start to do
some word association with it and and such. I
use this technique and created world called Triumvria. our current campaign in
Triumvria is called the Immutable King. The players are James as Dimitri
Stroganov, human warlock. Matt as Thario Swaggart, dwarven warlock. Lydia as Hyzea Al-Jilani, human mystic (mystic is from Unearthed Arcana) and Sarah as Elahimm, an elven wizard. As we play along I will periodically pull a card from the
bigger blacker deck and incorporate that into the environment, encounters, or NPCs.
I’ll try to keep track of the cards that I pull and have them listed with each
episode on the website. I shall also note that Dungeons Against Humanity is not
affiliated with either Wizards of the Coast or cards against humanity–we are
our own thing! Finally I’m sorry about the sound quality in the first couple of
episodes, this is the first time any of us have done a podcast and we are
learning as we go people! And so hopefully we’ll get better. Maybe. So now
without further ado I give you, the Immutable King! James: we are live now Matt: not in front of a live studio audience in Portland, Oregon! Sam: no (“wooo!” in background) S: was that Gabby? Thank You Gabby. If you–
feel free to like ooh and ahh and gasp and yell suggestions. Um, ok, so, welcome to the Immutable King–that is the name of this campaign. J: I’m gonna mute that king! S: Immutable! IMMUTABLE king. M: no one can mute him! S: not un-mutable So, who are you people? M: (laughs) We should maybe
introduce ourselves! My name is Sam, I’m the DM, this is my first ongoing campaign.
J: oh my name is James I’m I playing Dimitri Stroganov M: My name is Matt and I will be playing
the part of /Thario Swaggart/ [words between // are said with a heavy lisp– s–>sh] J: say that again?? M: /Thario SWAGGART/ S: he’s doing a /Sean Connery/ J: oh! M: /hrm, yes/ Lydia: /yes/ S: /yes/ L: And I am Lydia and I will
be playing Hyzea Al-Jilani S: the campaign is set in the world of Triumvria, you can
see this large map just a picture of it for the podcaster yes listen yeah we are
currently on the land of Kiev are up here we are in the second age case LR it
is a time of great peace and prosperity thanks greatly to the king Tobin the LS
are are lying was going back and back and back boot open the first four
hundred years ago it is a week before the 17th birthday of Crown Prince Rama
and it is a time of much celebration its custom for the old king’s air it’s
custom for the Old Kings to step down and go to the floating Isle yes yes so
it’s yeah it’s a time of national celebration everyone is gathering and
the capital the new capital made those the old capital was al Eleazar and that
was actually abandoned after this volcano up here exploded and there was
you know a lot of bad stuff and so the king around King Tommen the fourth moved
the capital to nato’s and we begin specifically in the bedroom of a crowded
in because there’s so many different people coming into town for there isn’t
a whole lot of free space especially for a poor the knighted warlock named tree
we begin in the janitor closets nothing converted to a bedroom o rented
to Dmitry stroganoff the warlock Dmitry yes you have come to town for a very
different purpose you have come in a prophecy this is not this is not the
first time that you have issued prophecy oh this is my prophecy yeah this is your
prophecy that you are issuing I have seen visions of the future
you have you have not you haven’t really seen visions of the future so much as
we’re visited by a certain entities how do you about the visions of the future
the visions of the future that he well that that the things that he told you
repeatedly was that the crown prince was in danger the crown prince was about to
die Crown Prince and he issued this prophecy to move
times and the first time was I’m gonna say that it was eight years ago you
issued a prophecy saying that the crown prince was in peril and was about to be
burned to death and years ago eight years ago obviously that didn’t happen
it did it did Tobin the Knights the original Crown
Prince the elder son of toga v8 died in the fire as did the Queen and because of
this because you issued this prophecy that came true you rose to national
Moriah T but then unfortunately you issued another to prophecy is saying
that the crown prince was about to die and those and so you fell sort of into a
different type of notoriety the coop of the kingdom the guy that’s you know
everybody’s like well you got it right that one time but now he’s just kind of
crying whole but nonetheless your entity who you follow
it’s very insistent that’s you stand in the town squares day and night as the
celebrations of the crown prince’s coming-of-age going on around to you
shouting we’re all out here for the crown prince about to be kidnapped and
as you can imagine people have been throwing things walking you and if few
ends even turn you away so the only one that you could find was in the purple
frog you’re of the group would you like to briefly describe your character both
in appearance and personality pressure his name is Dmitry stroganoff he’s a big burly man he’s not like fat he’s not
strong he’s just kind of broad and kind of beefy and you’ve got this real thick
black hair kind of like kind of like Snape but with a more spiky and like all
over the place and he’s got a big full beard that’s
kind of kempt and all his clothes are dark and
sort of Biscay he doesn’t really take care of himself
super well he has a warlock who believe set good is good and evil is evil but
evil vastly outweighs good in the world and the only possible solution is total
annihilation of both and so that’s why his spent his life studying beings of
the outer Plains from beyond the universe who may be able to bring about
annihilation in my studies of eldritch lore I found a way to contact other
beings no sub succotash some succotash all the aspects and prepared for this
powerful arcane ritual to contact the sub circuit ash the Annihilator
but unfortunately I made a typo service contacting subsection cache I contacted
shimmer Lord Prince of all unicorns and the pond which is a good introduction
because you awake at night – well – to the soundtrack of Purple Rain now you
don’t know what Purple Rain is the Prince song but you don’t probably even
recognize it as music but it is playing throughout your
and sugar lord stands in your room shimmer Lord looks like something that
sure Lord Shiva Lord switches between looking like like a full-blown like
Shadowfax style like not Lisa Frank I was picturing exactly like Lisa Lisa
Frank would have airbrushed on the side of her van yeah yes
so we switches between that when he’s like trying to do is like full
impressive thing but actually like right now he looks like Bojack horseman
yeah and he’s wearing like a blazer and like a like a beauty pageant sash
yeah yeah and he is actually making it smell like it smells like root beer he
was down at you as he’s standing over you and try to go for Keanu Reeves
Johnny’s like something already sure all right even then my slumber you disturb
me creature hey just one of those before they get here I have been doing your
bidding these past years and I have been thrown into exile you see this and I
point out my beard I had a tomato thrown at my face yeah but for for everything that’s about to
happen happens I want to talk to you just a little bit about Houdini
what do you think the really evil armed we treat you good is joy good it’s pure
nothing you would know about evil is the destruction of all that good is pain and
the world its birthed in pain it is roiling in pain see you then that’s his
problem Dmitri that’s a problem right there good
and evil there not model the way that you do you know I do not
vape okay good and evil are not monolithic forces they exist within each
person each person is capable of both good and evil and you know that very
smart guy sometimes the thing that you really need to understand is he gets
like like you cool meaning like right ovary have you ever been face-to-face
with a horse before yeah yeah fucking unnerving especially when he is bright
and sparkly I connect yeah the thing is Dmitri are Ulysses I have no choice in
the matter yes you see sometimes good woody people
do terrible things for good reasons it’s like his eyeball like really close up to
you and it’s like swirling like there are stars on the inside of epsilon and
sometimes it’s the other way around right and if you disappears puff of
paper paper paper yes and there’s about five seconds where you maybe
there and grown and then your door busts open Kings guard comes in and they throw
a sack over your head and they drag you on through so we join sorry oh and hi
saya she’s the mayor of New York we join them
as they are down on the docks on the eastern box of nato’s over here on the
far side of the river and it is night the two of you are preparing to sail to
sada WA you will go ahead of the king and you’re expecting the Crown Prince
Rama to return from Seoul sometime tonight it’s actually a little bit late
and that you expect that he will return shortly and once he does there will be a
celebration here within the city and then they together a little sales inside
water and so you are preparing the ships to sail what do you guys think that your
occupations would be at this juncture what we what would you be doing on the
docks in preparation to sail hmm probably making true up the finest
supplies are being put on the ships that they will have their favorite snacks as
soon as they arrive in there I’m likely negotiating with some of the suppliers
for better rate okay good supplies okay picture being supplied yeah generally
speaking there’s not a whole lot of haggling to be had oh sorry Oh we’ll
we’ll haggle regardless yeah okay if you want to haggle you can handle I think at
the moment perhaps you were haggling with a very very so listeners ooh I have
a giant deck of cards against humanity specifically the bigger blacker deck
James’s bigger blacker deck it’s got all kinds of expansions in there yeah
yes they’re a podcast brought to you by cards against you no it’s not please
supports the particular person that you are haggling are you that you are
speaking with right at this moment is the card I drew is coat hanger abortions
listeners as we go along I may at times for inspiration dry card from cards
against humanity’ from the giant stack of cards sitting next to me and we’re
going to say that you are dealing with a a very creepy creepy supplier at the
moment and he in particular deals in shall we say medical supplies haha
medical supplies that are are perfectly legitimate you know it’s a perfectly
legitimate sideline but it’s a legitimate business yeah you know it’s
much a legitimate business and worth I have used all of these tools myself
multiple times and and they have all been accidentally cared for and and I I
think that if you will see your way to the paying that rates you will find that
you have no complaints show so why they are are you saying that you use these
tools that you’re selling to us second hand they are fashioned after good
because the dishes for the highest of nobility and they need the the best that
there is and that’s an unfortunate this mission to me
Wow Lord but okay so I need to be to be confident that you’re not you’re you’re
taking this seriously oh of course I am I am a hail to the
king hail to the line of Tobin’s back to Tobin the first I am I am the most loyal
oh good then and perhaps you might prefer to reduce the rate for a so to
speak breaking taxes I think I mean that we can come to a very good understanding
perfect perfect that now what was your name my name is Christopher Conley you
have yourself a deal so as you two are standing there on the docks
who suddenly begin to hear about a bell ringing from far on the other side of
town and it is coming from the castle and it is an alarm bell what to do hey
lassie did we go check that out B if JP are in the city oh right
hi yeah yeah yes were you addressing me yes I remember to use my name extra so
are we going after you all right then why old friendship follow along nasty I
should mention that Isaiah always wears a mask never be seen without it okay
red and white without this scarf around it well actually I’m
so glad that you said that because it is custom in this land for women to wear
veils okay so she’s got the she got a feed does it spark around the head and
around the chin and then it’s mask yeah so who’s good ass yeah yeah absolutely
we’ll upload that yeah beautiful elaborate Google Image Search I did for
a whole like five minutes I use like three different search terms guys oh yeah so I imagine you travel travel
quickly through the city you encounter no dangers the streets are still fairly
crowded it’s again a time of celebration but you arrive at the castle gates
there’s the guards wave you through they know you do very well well you both
serve the king and a couple of fingers you are greeted in the main courtyard by
Dammam Aladdin captain of the guard he’s a human bard and he wears a sitar on his
back that is also a scythe so a star a star yes so a Nordenberg so he’s a guard
party he’s a guard with the site Stark how long can we keep this going so he
weaves you in and bulls mama what shopping Dammam looks very
nervous and he leads you inside to a small room and closes the doors after he
checks behind both doors then he turns to you and says three pigeons arrived
from Seoul the crown prince has been enact his guards were killed and he has
disappeared they were found not 12 hours ago
and no one has any idea where he is wha yeah when are we leaving we have may
have a lead it was I’m sure you remember the Warlock the prophecies show you
think he’s Accession vicious character I something like that whatever it is that
you just said yes something won this night we have him here we have him in
the next room I say F I would ask for your skills in interrogating him and
learning what he might know we will know everything he knows very good and so he
opens the doors between the rooms and Dmitry yes you are tied to a chair with
a bag over your head what’s he do I sit there are you yelling are you indignant
are you ranting at people are you calling upon your unicorn Lord Dammam
enters the room and pulls the bag off of your head and then kind of steps back he
stands near the door you know his arms cross across his chest he’s not a
particularly big man but he is pretty muscular and he has a very friendly face
but he is doing his best to look intimidating let me guess the prince
disappeared and now you’re taking me seriously what do you know about it
everything I’ve been saying in the streets how did you learn that it’s a
prophecy but what do you expect I learned it through
various sources we have just met and you don’t know any better
my name is Isaiah al-jilani you’ll be addressing me by the first or last name
this could be very difficult for you I understand all the information you’re
gonna get out of me is all the information of already given where did
you wanna shimmer Lord crown unicorn Prince of the Imperial Plains yes that
is a fourteen oh my god the same thing we did
hey yeah religion five I knew that comparative studies course would come in
handy not a particularly well-known God but it is somewhat well-known shimmer
Lord is a trickster generally speaking a good trickster but a trickster
nonetheless and sometimes a little spiteful towards those who slight him
it’s very spiteful in that case I’m going to update you and I want to use
forceful query okay so that’s been it cost me two side points and I’m guessing
I can see and hear you and you know you need to do a wisdom saving okay
fortunately for me as the world like I haven’t been
we’ve been saving purse awesome are you good to be in charge before you a strip
gentleman I don’t think so and that’s I think you have succeeded in well you
okay so she’ll ask question but you can you’re not underneath yeah yeah yeah you
can you’re not undermined wedding but you can still ask the question yeah she
would ask the question about yeah yeah you know where he is now
no idea oh my goodness okay so no I can use it as a bonus
action anyway but I can get a one-word summary of his emotional state
it was just happy right violent yeah so I’ll just pay that waiting okay I
guess man no wait the noise combination of both yeah do you know where the creme
fraiche like I just said no well alright then mom is kind of like looking at you
guys like crosses her arms the stairs – okay yeah I think at this point – mom
kind of steps forward and and he walks up to you and he says Dmitri stroke it
off you you need a prophecy that said that the crown prince was about to be
kidnapped and the crown prince has been kidnapped
like of course we have to examine the possibility the king has many enemies is
there any possibility that shimmer Lord whatever shimmer Lord is is an entity
that is you know working with crepitus or or any of the have 1/2 works like
heaven is there any possibility there I have no way of knowing that he’s a
capricious bugger we’re not getting anywhere he doesn’t
know anything he’s not yes well wash known whereabouts of the
prince was in Shull we should probably head there soon as possible as soon as
you say that you killed whiskers against your ear and shimmer Lord says hey dude
dude what do we hear him just saying what yes dude what what you need to go
to school tell him to take you before the king he’ll know what to do probably
okay I can’t really do anything about that right now what what time to do
about that about what excuse me I’m communing with the deity he’s myth
listen I can’t control when or how I speak to dimmer Lord
you can only appear and speak to me and he just did and he said and I quote take
me before the king who will know what to do without a half accurate record for
making a prediction perhaps having some clothes will reveal some information I
am I’m not comfortable taking him before the king
accepting chains forgive me sir if this is overly cautious so he doesn’t tell
you from the chair but ties binds your hands behind your back and takes you out
of these sort of small passageways into the main hall of the king and then you
stand in the presence of tobin the eighth he is a human man
he is currently seated behind a large table upon which you see this world map
except these areas that are foggy in this
right now are actually colored in and they have little babies on them like
there are flags to markers and such keeping track of what’s happening out in
the world and he’s stood behind this table with his head in his hands he is a
older white-haired man with a goatee kind of short does not look like you
know particularly handsome or particularly you know eye catching or
anything like that he doesn’t look like the same guy on the banners no no
precisely he is and his quarters similarly ours are pretty much unadorned
there’s no leg gold statues anywhere or anything like that he has been always
noted to be a tree like his predecessors before him he has been noted to be a
very humble man in a very modest man uh and he looks up he stands up and says
thank you for coming so quickly and to Dimitri he says I’m sorry for
this situation good mom I can’t imagine that the chains are necessary please
untie him then he turns to sorry oh and Hosea and says I have relied upon you
both so many times in the past and you have not let me down this may be my very
greatest hour of need can I count on you both Mario takes off
the leather duster he has on and kneels down on his short double dwarven legs
and says my sovereign will always have my boy okay Isaiah bans and somewhat
mask stays on it must be scrapped I’m really good yeah and says softly my lord
do not stress here though and we come to you my friends you have been a strange
presence in my kingdom and in this city I must confess not by my choice I assure
you I don’t don’t even know what to ask what was the prophecy specifically that
was given to you prophecy is thus the young prince would be kidnapped
well that is all that is there’s nothing else is there any chance that you could
perhaps call upon this deity to to ask them like for more information as
presence is not one item Court but I yell out that’s sure milord yourself
it’s no response please know the Kings shoulder is kind of slumped a little bit
I cannot lose another son I cannot lose another son the best thing I can do now
I think is to stay here and calm the people this may be the beginning of an
attack this may be the work of crepitus we have so many enemies I have worked so
hard to keep peace and prevent war from reaching our borders and this all may be
for naught I am old I am too old and if I die I fear so much what will happen
please go to Seoul with all haste and with all secrecy you can manage I do not
want this information getting out I do not want our enemies to know if crepitus
hears about it he may use it to his advantage so please go to Seoul and take
Demetri bohemia’ prove useful if you are the only one to whom shimmer Lord speaks
you may prove invaluable aid may I ask this of you
Demitri not as a king but as a father I don’t know I’ll do my best
I thank you and you’re putting your faith in a man bound to a vaping unicorn the King gestures to a servant who has
been standing quietly in a corner and says please fetch 3000 gold coins from
the coffers we will divide it among the three of you evenly 1000 each to be used
in the course of this mission in any manner you see fit I trust your judgment
and then kisses sorry oh I did speak to you privately yes indeed and he pulls
you aside and says if you can please visit the seer Imani you will find her
in the market ask any of the wave children that you see in the street she
marked yourself as a seer but she’s very well informed of the various goings-on
of the kingdom if anyone might have a thread for you to follow it might very
well be her I shall I shall execute this for you
my lord and do not fret over your son we will find him and we will keep him
secret and shape so you ask this so you’ve passed except you so that’s it
that’s the first podcast for the next episode of dungeons against humanity
follow me on Soundcloud at Samwise that’s s am w is e on our youtube
channel dungeons against humanity or at dungeons against humanity dotnet we’re
also on twitter at da h podcast because we may get the podcast episodes will be
posted every two weeks on Sundays come hell or high water the only card that
was drawn in the pilot episode was coathanger abortions to define the
creepy character of Christopher coppery if you liked what we do and you like the
podcast tell a friend none of us are paid to do this so we really would
appreciate this board but until next time

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