HomeArticlesDetachment From Expectations: Subtitles English: BK Shivani
Detachment From Expectations: Subtitles English: BK Shivani
January 2, 2020
Greetings and welcome to Awakening With Brahma Kumaris. Welcome, Sister. Om Shanti. Om Shanti and welcome to Living Values. Thank you so much. We were discussing about acceptance. I would feel that when my own family members When they say something negative about me, it’s very difficult to forgive and forget. When I was thinking about it I found a beautiful line. Let me read it. Detachment has become to be the release of subjective thoughts, emotions or energy That I am holding about people, places and things. That have kept me trapped in disease It means I can step back as if observing what is happening In and around me without being involved. Or creating additional drama. In doing so I allow the feelings, thoughts and energies to dissipate. I am then free to act with compassion, love and acceptance. It explains the whole thing so clearly. When we have held onto the past Held onto opinions about people Throughout the day, when we did not like what happened, created hurt and held onto it. All this holding on, accumulating inside and creating Creating and holding on, not releasing it – this is causing disease. Disease meaning the soul is not at ease. When we are not at ease, that is dis-ease here (mind) and then disease here (body). They have given such a beautiful process Step back, observe what it is. Understand. We discussed last time about understanding the reason. You mentioned about attachment because they are family members. What does ‘my own people’ mean? They are those souls from whom we have set certain expectations. I expect respect from them. I expect love from them. I expect them to be like this with me. And the people from home we set expectations, they matter to us. They are important to us. It could be a family member, a friend, or a senior colleague at office It could be a staff member at home, whom we trust. It could be anybody. It means those souls from whom we have expectations It means we are attached to an image Of how those people should think about us. We say – I did not expect this from you. I didn’t expect this from you means, I had some other expectation I had some other expectation from you. Which means in my mind I have created a particular image About how you would be. You will behave this way with me – I have created that image in my mind. I have created that so many times that I have got attached to that image. It’s my attachment. Attachment is not so much to people. Attachments to the image of how we want people to be. Are we attached to who we have mistaken the person to be? I have mistaken that this person will never speak ill about me. Suppose I have this wrong belief or expectation. About one person. Am I more attached to that belief than to that person? See, we love everyone. That is why we are not forgiving because They did not match up to our image. When we meet new people we will not have any expectations from them. Internally we will not have any attachments with any image about them. Suppose whatever you think about yourself About who you are And you set out from your house. You have an expectation of how your staff should speak to you. If you go somewhere and you don’t even know the people there You enter the gate and if there is a security guard You have an attachment to the image of how that security guard will talk to you. If that security guard does not behave according to that image That image with which you have an attachment We say they did not meet up to my expectations. And at that moment we react. Whether internal or we show it externally. Then we go inside to meet the person with whom we have some work. They are also we have certain images. Of how we want people to be with us. If that person does not talk the way we expected We say – You did not respect me. Yesterday I met an artist who performs dramas in villages. He was dressed well and was carrying a few pots on his head I asked him where he bought it from. I want to know if they belonged to him. The pots were very beautiful. He didn’t respond. Then I explained to him that he needs to be humble because God has given him the talent. He understood what I asked, and I even repeated 3 times. Yet he was not ready to respond. So here my expectation and his behaviour I did not carry those feelings home. But for that moment If my brother, a friend or an actor from the film industry had behaved the same way I would have thought about it for 8 days and I would remember it for a lifetime. You met that man for the first time You had no relationship or connection with him You met him, spoke for two minutes, and you will never meet him again. And then there are people with whom we work Another set is of our family members and friends. We have expectations from all these three sets of people But the extent of expectation is variable in these three cases You met that artist only for 2 minutes. But in those 2 minutes The image we have created about our self That I am so and so. And the image we have created about how other people should behave with us We have an attachment with that image Whenever and whoever it is – even if it is a stranger on the road Or it is a family member When they don’t match that image Disturbance is created here. He didn’t even know me Whether I am an actor or who am I But a person is not supposed to behave that way with anyone, isn’t it? Now only this is a little self checking. When we told other person that he should have humility We got disturbed internally, even if we created only 2 thoughts of disturbance. Yes. Otherwise I would not have given him that advice for 30 seconds. So you were disturbed. I told him that his talent is a gift from God. This means that a stranger on the road also has the power And then you also said that if someone in the film industry had behaved that way You would remember that incident for a very long time. And then if a family member behaves that way, you said you would remember it for even longer. When we see such things, we call it as attachment. My attachment to these people, my attachment to friends, my attachment to family. It’s not about my attachment to the image of how I want them to be with me. Let us rewind it again. Suppose we have no expectations from strangers on the road About how they behave. We don’t even know them. Yet we had set an expectation from them. That they should be a certain way. And then we say it is normal that they should behave this way. It could be normal but everybody has a different lens. Everybody has a different lens. If I am watching this whole scene I am watching two people That one of them spoke lovingly and the other person didn’t respond. And then this person lectured to him that humility is essential. When we see as a detached observer, we can see all the Sanskars. First this lens spoke lovingly. From here there was no response, for whatever reason. Here the ego got slightly hurt. Now the slogan which you read to us today Detachment means the image that we have created The people should behave a certain way with me. It’s not about me but generally. Generally people need to be like this. ‘Generally’ is decided by whom? You are saying that if someone talks lovingly to another person When we enter a lift, we greet each other good morning. But some people don’t wish back. Simple. So when we say ‘generally’, who is right? But there is nothing wrong in greeting a person. No it is not about wrong. It is about our belief system It will be through the lens of our Sanskars. Your belief system is that greeting someone you meet is courtesy. And if someone speaks courteously, we need to respond. This is as per your lens. We need to remember this every time. That my lens and other person’s lens is different. We are not saying if it is right or wrong. You asked him courteously but he did not respond. We are not saying whether he was right or wrong. We are saying that we are saying that everyone’s lens is different. Was he helpless? It could be helplessness or he would not have understood the language. He might not have understood what you said. I have about 5,000 people connected to me on Facebook. They have sent me greetings through Messenger since so many days. Some of them were sent in December. How do I respond now? It is my helplessness that I cannot respond individually to 5,000 people. So what would they think about me? They may think – He is very arrogant. I wished him four times and he still didn’t acknowledge. Each of them would have an expectation. Whereas the other person has his own reason or helplessness for not responding. Everyone has so many expectations from each other And when they are not met, we are creating hurt. A sister once called me on my phone very lovingly She said – I have come to Delhi, your city. I want to meet you for 10 minutes this evening. I told her – Sister, I am shooting today. It will not get over even by late evening. So I will not be able to meet you today evening. Very sweetly she said – No problem, but you please try. That only when you are free, please meet me. I told her frankly – I don’t want to keep you waiting. I am sure it will not be possible to meet you today. Because it will go on till late evening. I don’t want to keep you waiting. You know what she replied? She said – You know what I thought about you? That you speak very sweetly, I have heard you on TV. But now you straight away said you will not be able to meet me today. I told her – I don’t find it right that I make you wait till evening And then tell you at 6:00 p.m. that I will not be able to meet. That is the reason I am telling you right now. She said – I am very disappointed with you. But that day I was trying to understand She said – I am very disappointed. I ask her what is the disappointment about. She said – Even if you know that you cannot meet me You should have told me that you will try in the evening. What was the need for you to tell me frankly that you will not be able to meet me? She put down the phone saying – I am very hurt. And then I thought about it and called her back after 10 minutes. I said – I want to tell you something with clarity. Please try to understand. You felt hurt. I am sorry for that. But whatever I felt is right, is what I said. So I am not sorry for that. Because it is my Sanskar That I will not keep a person waiting and then say I will not be able to come. It is an easy way out To tell someone that I will try in the evening. And then at 7:00 p.m. Say that it is not possible. She said – Thank you. I appreciate that you called up. But let me tell you, I was still disappointed. So when you see such things And she was not wrong at all. And that day I started reflecting Who was supposed to change in that scene and what was the right thing to do? Was I not supposed to say what I said? So I said – But that would not be right on my part. Then I realised that both of us were right. But both of our expectations Someone offered me a drink. I politely refused and asked for a glass of water. They got so angry and ask me to at least take it as a mark of respect for that person. Even if you don’t want to drink, at least take the glass. There was a plate of dishes. They told me to pick at least a little of something. Don’t say that you don’t want it. Anger over such things? Look at the line – anger over such small things. Which means how frequently are we getting angry? Ensure that you respect the other person. Respect according to what? His point of view is that you should have at least picked a small piece. This means my definition of respect is When I offer you something, you should have taken at least a little. That is my definition of respect. Your definition is that if you don’t want to eat it why should you just take it and later keep it aside. Now what I did is My definition of respect was that when I offer, you should accept it You did not meet up to my expectations. You did not meet up to the image that I had, of respect. So I got angry. Other people started teaching me That from next time, at any party, you just take it in your hand and go around. So that people will feel you are taking it. And never tell anyone That on that date I cannot come. Just tell them I will try. And the previous night you just tell them – I tried a lot but I can’t make it. See, this is what it is. If you ask them why should you say so, they will reply that it is a normal way of living. They will say – This is respect, this is courtesy. Created by whom? By a set of people. Some people called this method as respect. And since a few people called this way as respect I created an image of respect accordingly. Now whoever does not meet that definition or image of respect I become angry at them. And people like me will say Don’t talk about trying. Either say yes or no. Suppose you ask me to come here in the evening, and I reply as – I will try. Now If you insist that I tell you yes or no I might find it rude. For you that is clarity. For me that is rude. And then we will say – They did not meet up to my expectations. So I am hurt. Do you see how it is happening the whole day? Our definitions are different. Let’s take this back to that person who you met yesterday. You said that replying courteously to a question is normal, even in a generic sense. But who created this definition? We created it. Very similarly, and equally normal is what your friends told you That when someone offers you food, accept at least one piece. This is normal for them. As much as you feel normal, that when you asked that artist a question, he should have responded. The people greeting you on Facebook will find it equally normal, that you should have at least respond to them. To 5,000 people? Yes, for them it is equally normal. That they just wrote one line. You know how people will think? They will think – How long will it take for them to respond to my one-line message? 10 seconds? Can’t they spare 10 seconds? I wrote a long email and shared my problems Couldn’t they take out 10 seconds to respond? Expectations. We will expect people to be a certain way People cannot be that way. They have a reason for not being that way. It could be out of helplessness. It could be their Sanskar. Today I need to ask myself That every time when somebody is not according to the image I have created Am I going to get hurt? God gives us a very beautiful line. Naraz – the word angry God says – a soul which does not know the Raaz (secret), will get Naraaz (angry). It is a secret – which implies it is knowledge – that every soul has different Sanskars. Their definitions are different. If you don’t know that there are different You will get angry. Thinking – Why are they not the way I expect them to be? So we become angry. So God says that a soul who knows the Secret (Raaz) which is knowledge or truth That soul will never get angry in life. The line you read at the beginning is so beautiful – Detach. Detach from what? Detachment is not from people. We feel detachment means withdrawing and cutting off. Going away from people and withdrawing Detachment is of the images that we have created here in the mind. That people should be like this. That when I say something, they should reply this way. When I say something other person should obey. When I trust someone they should be trustworthy. All these images which I have created in my mind – I need to detach from them. Which means I need to detach from my expectations. It’s is beautifully that when we do this Everything which we have held onto, on our mind It will all get released. You are saying as though it is as simple as how a cab driver resets the meter to 0 with one turn. This is not possible for us. It is possible. We cannot erase them We are not erasing. We are releasing it without understanding. Suppose you had a conflict with someone, sometime back. Even if it didn’t happen explicitly, suppose you felt bad about what somebody said. You held onto it here. Now today when you have understood the secret (Raaz) When you also saw that we ourselves cannot meet other people’s expectations. Other people will also not be able to meet our expectations. Our definitions of courtesy and respect are completely different. Now that we have understood the secret, apply it back to that situation. Recall the last scene when you were angry Now we have understood the ‘Raaz’ (secret) within that scene. So that our anger gets released. That line beautifully says – release it. When you release, there will be no disease. It happened that there was a joint family so many members stay together Some of them went out of station and returned after few months. One of them was about to enter the room. He realised that it is daddy’s room, so he cannot enter wearing shoes. He had to remove the shoes. It is customary at home to touch elders’ feet. So that boy stood at the door wondering whether he should remove his shoes or not. He started conversing casually from there. This incident disturbed me for many days. That everyday they would come and touch my feet or give me a hug. Today they have a problem in just removing two straps of their shoes and come inside? I felt very hurt. So you have held onto that hurt. I felt disrespected. I felt disrespected. Which means our definition of respect which is right also One thing we need to be very clear on this platform We are not discussing that whatever people are doing It is right so let them continue that way, let things be their way. No. But what we are realising is that the world cannot function according to our ways. But there should be a way of doing things. When they have followed it for all those years, why couldn’t the take off the shoes that day? Let me place myself in that scene. I entered home. I have worn my shoes. You are sitting there. Everyday I come inside to wish you. Now I should remove my shoes, come inside, and then meet you Let me first go, freshen up and then come back. What is there to feel hurt about it? Why should there be so much formality within a family? At least I have come to your room to see you. See, you are giving an answer for them. At least I said a hello. I didn’t directly go to my room. So what is the need to take off my shoes? Within 30 seconds you are able to see their perspective. It is possible that they wanted to go to the washroom. We can make up so many excuses if we want to. This is not about giving excuses. This is about the other person’s perspective When people wrote to you on Facebook and you could not reply, you had a reason isn’t it? Similarly you had any expectation here Even if we call it a norm, that is normal for people to do so If we are able to open up to see the other person’s mind There will be a reason. I could have directly gone upstairs to my room using the lift. And come back leisurely to meet you. But then I thought let me say hello even as I go. So if you see from my perspective, I was very sweet to you. That I stopped by to see you. But you found my sweetness to be disrespectful. But I still call it disrespectful. If we still label it as disrespectful now Either they follow the norms consistently or never do it. This is about perspective – it was better that he could have come later. I can create another thought on top of it, that I feel like meeting you and saying hello, on my way to my room. Possible. Not just possible. That is what was so important, from the quote you read out last time. That the more we start accepting the perspective of the other person Our relationship starts becoming perfect. And the more we start expecting from the other person That they should be the way we want There will be more conflicts in that relationship. This is as simple as that. Just like how you expected that artist to respond to your question about his pots He did not meet our set norms of talking back sweetly. So we got disturbed. And then this person came home. He didn’t remove his shoes. He stood and the door and greeted. We felt disrespected and got disturbed. Let us check – throughout the day how many times will be fluctuate this way? Because almost everyone we find – they do not go as per our definitions. Which means that if this becomes our way of living That each time people are not according to the image I have created I will get disturbed Then I will remain disturbed for a large part of the day And for a major part of my life. So we absolutely need to change the equation. We will certainly change it, Sister. Thank you so much. Om Shanti. Om Shanti. Thank you.