P: Hello, DanAndPhilGAMES buckets! This bucket is… You’re swinging it around too violently, it’s- STOP IT! P: – full of dilemmas. D: Uh oh! P: And we are going to be given one object to try and save us from this dilemma. D: To get us out of this sticky situation. P: Yeah! We’ve got to tell each other a story of how that would work and then, together, as a democracy, D+P: we can decide who’s the best. D: ‘Cause we’re the kind of people that if you play the game (P:yeah!) we’d be fair like that. P: We’ll be honest!
D: We’re not like certain friends we have (P:no!), who cheat at board games, are generally competitive, they care about winning. P: Oof! Roast your friends, Dan! (laughs)
D: We just- we’re not naming names, but D: If they watch this, they know who they are.
P: DON’T CHEAT. P: So, what is going on at the bot- it looks like it- OH! Right, that looks like something else from afar. D: That, looks like a penis- it’s a rocket.
P: Yeah. P: The first dilemma, is
D: The crazy situation that we have found ourselves in D: DAMN, okay!
P: Oooh! P: Right, you don’t have that much time to think about it.
D: And we have 8 random objects, and we have to pick one of these (P:yes), to help us. P: I’m ready!
D: Ooh dear. D: Right, my item is- P: Eugh!
D: aka the thing that Phil made when we did our ‘Giving The People What They Want’ video P: I did but it didn’t smell bad!
D: Phil was nervously sweating a lot. P: I’m a- I’m a fragrant lad. (*ummmm*) D: But what this snowman’s gonna do as he gonna wraps himself up in it, and just from the power of other people’s sweat, will be able to stay insulated (P:what?) and not melt, because the sun won’t be on them but the moisture will be adding to it (P:right…) so as it like, crusts up the mat (P:crusts) and the moisture leaks it will leak onto the (P:Dan!) snowman and the snowman will be safe. P: I’m seeing a huge flaw in this in that if you wrap yourself up in a sweaty and already warm mat, you’re gonna melt even faster! It’s like putting a coat on! D: Look, I can get myself brief shade and then roll down the hill in the yoga mat and into the sea.
P: Mhhm, right.. D: Right, let’s hear your item.
P: Well, I’m using D: What the hell?
P: So, the snowman gets on the Segway and he goes so fast, he reaches the Arctic Circle chills out with the penguins, has a few margaritas, survives forever! D: Margaritas, penguins, Arctic Circle? I thought that the penguins were antarctic.
P: Err, well, one of them travelled D: And, also, you can cross the Channel on a Segway(tm) but then, I don’t know, can you get to the Arctic Circle by land? P: Uh, you can if you use your snowman freezing powers and freeze a path in front of you as you go! D: See, this is why we need a third party, okay, because what is this bull-shirt happening right now? D: To be honest, sweaty yoga mat was a bit of a stretch
P: It was a stretch
D: Get it? P: Ohhh! P: It was a downward dog if you ask me! *fake audience laughter* D: So, fine, whatever you win that round. Get your card, Phil, (thanks), and you’re picking those up D: Scenario #2, dun dun dun, P: Oh my gosh. The card I just picked up was so good for what we’re doing now, I can’t believe it.
D: I got mine. P: *sings tune* P: I’m flying, Jack, I’m flying!
D: *also singing tune* P: I like that I’m Rose in this situation. At least I lived. Spoilers. D: Right, what’s your item? P: I’m on the titanic (yep) and the one item I brought on board was D: One item? You didn’t even bring clothes (no). You are a stripper, on the Titanic (well, well), people were about to chase you down and arrest you, thank God, they’re all gonna be dead. P: I brought my D: Holy shit, that’s perfect. P: EXACTLY. D: Do they have that in the 20’s? P: They did! D: Did they? (Yes!) Okay, sure, that’s fine. P: I know, Rose had one in her trunk. P: So, after having some good times with Butch, clinging onto him for dear life, Titanic sinks, I have my flotation device! Arrive at the Arctic Circle, hang out with the penguins, get a Margarita, we’re all good! D: Pause yourself right there (yeah, yeah, lad). No one is going to bring you onto the lifeboat if they see you clinging to Butch in the water. P: I’ll pretend it’s my husband that died. Then they won’t look properly like *cups hand around mouth*
Is anyone alive out there? Ignore the (porn moustache??) D: Why would they want the corpse of your husband? P: I’ll be like I need to give him a proper burial with all my other blow up dolls! D: Okay, I think we’ve explored that enough for now (alright) mine is just superior. (okay) Thankfully, me being an alchemist, a fine purveyor of chemical coordination (what?), I have brought with me a magic shrinking potion! P: Ooh! D: So, while everybody’s going ooh, get off my table (yeah), this piano ain’t big enough for the both of us, DiCaprio *splash* go frickin’ ice pop(?). I’ll just be like, glug glug glug, I’ll have a whole frickin’ ballroom. P: What? D: And plus, I just need to like break off a little little bit of someone’s clothing and I’ve just got a frickin’ whole wad of stuff P: Right, so you’re tiny, you’re floating in the sea (yep) on a tiny bit of hat (yep, exactly), a rich person’s hat (yep). How would you get rescued now? I just sfdghds would go onto the boat. They’ll be *unintelligible* – *laughing softly*
P: Just go “onto the boat”! The boat is like the size of *unintelligible snorting* P: *continues unintelligible snorting*
D: Well, I’ll drink it, P: an enormous skyscraper.
D: and then I’ll just cling onto someone that’s drowning (right) and then they’ll be like, ohh, can I save them? And I’ll just be trapped on the hat, like, yeah, I’ve got loads of time here, just chillin’ here, and they’re freezing from the neck up, and then, they’re gonna be like, are they okay? And then, I’ll just run up the oar. And then I’ll be fine (okay), I’ll live out the rest of my tiny life (you know what) eating delicious food in tiny portions (*sighs*). P: Key thing about Titanic is could they both have fit on that piece of door?
D: Exactly, exactly. P: So, I’m gonna give you that. D: So, you made the door (’cause you could’ve fit on the door), I could make anything my door. P: Fine. D: Same solution, better angle. P: Sorry, Butch. D: Thank you. P: Next up is… Loads of snakes! D: Mother of God, we’ve trained for this! P: Do you mean “mother effin’ plane”? *fake audience laughter* D: Nice one, okay (yep). I have the perrr- feeeeect-
P: Oh, whatever, have you got like the snake-charming card? D: thinggg. I’m on a plane. P: *sings* He’s on a plane. D: There’s snakes everywhere. P: *sings* There’s snakes on the plane. D: People have got guide dogs with them. P: Samuel L. Jackson’s there. D: They’re not helping. But, you know me, quirky pet detective, what did I bring? P: *laughing softly* It’s on a lead, (why is the fact that it is-) and it is RARING to go, but there are no life forms small enough. And you know what is similar to ferrets? Mongeese. P: Yes. D: You know the one thing that snakes fear? Mongeese. You know what’s a big, furry, smelly, randy version of that? This guy. I unclip him, he literally shags every snake to death. P: *laughs* Wow. That is- That is an image and a half. D: People just sit back and he’s just like, bonking them. P: And then they just die from that? D: Yeah, man. P: Okay… D: *weird sniffle snort* P: Well, that sounds like it wouldn’t have made it into the movie. D: Thank you. P: Er, but it was quite inspired. Mine is There’s lots of grandmas on this plane ’cause it’s on the way to the Bingo Island. P: And *laughs*
D: *laughs* P: AND we all get our knitting needles out, and we knit the snakes together, so they can’t slither around, D: You knit-
P: Wait, wait, wait D: -the snakes together? P: So, then, using the snakes, ’cause the plane’s all wayward now, we climb out of the escape hatch and lower down on our new snake rope. D: You’re gonna open the fuckin’ door (yeah!), you’re gonna get sucked out of it. P: Not if we go to a lower altitude first. D: So, you’re gonna just fly the plane at such a low altitude- P: ’cause it’s crashing!
D: – that you open the escape hatch- P: And then we climb down the snakes. D: – and jump into the sea? P: You win with the randy (I- I win with the) mongoose. P: Fine, fine.
D: Thank you, thank you. P: Take it.
D: BOOOOM. P: Right, two more! I can still win this back. D: Oh, shoot. P: Oh, no. D: How do we get out of this? P: Wiggle your big toe. Kill Bill. *pachoo* D: Hey, I have an absolutely solid way to get out of this situation. P: What? No, you don’t. D: I do, it’s foolproof.
P: I’ve got a better one. I’ve got a better one. You ready? D: Hit me. P: I get my D: THAT is an ANYTHING card. Are you kidding me? P: Which contains the new Drill 5000 perfect for breaking through coffins. So, I yank it open, go brrrrngghhhh, up through the soil, dig my way out, have another margarita.
D: Do you have enough elbow room to do that? P: It’s lying on top of me. That’s what I got buried with. D: And you got- you got buried with- like, when I go, just bury me with my Amazon package. P: Yes, that’s what I asked for, but in case I wake up again, ’cause coffins are scary and unpredictable. D: Right. Well, I think mine would be a much quicker solution, P: Go on.
D: ’cause I got buried with P: How is that gonna save you? D: That’s right, bucket game, that was made before the hiatus. In this universe, 1D are coming back. They’ve reunited with Zayn. P: Right.
D: They’re going on tour again. P: And what?
D: Everyone’s dreams are alive. And the VIP tickets just went SO FAST ’cause this is what everybody’s been dreaming of for a decade. P: Yeah?
D: I just simply go *softly* I’m giving away one VIP ticket to SUDDENLY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DIGGING AND JUST BANG ON MY COFFIN LIKE GIVE ME THE They rip apart that coffin so fast to get the ticket, they almost rip me to pieces. P: There’s a key part of this that you’re missing. How did they hear you? You’re underground. D: Are you implying that they wouldn’t know? P: They might know but- I mean- how- they don’t know where you are, (Phil) where you were buried. D: The One Direction fandom. They just find out. They just-
P: I think I win with the drill. D: Your stupid card! Whatever. Fine!
P: Yes! D: But you know that my answer’s right. P: You know what this is? This is the decider now. D: Oh, shoot. P: All or nothing. D: What about everything? P: Or all or everything. It’s not really an all or nothing is it?
D: You can’t- you can’t leave with nothing. We’re leaving with the joy-
P: Of playing. D: – of the experiences that we’ve shared in this banterful experience.
P: It’s not a Dan vs. Phil so we’re all friends in the end. D: What is our final precarious (ooh!) scenario, Phil? P: Dil has experienced this. D: Oh, god. P: Errr…
D: Okay. I say. *shrugs*
P: Is that gonna make me man-pregnant? With an alien baby? D: It happened to Dil (it happened to Dil!) so I would think so. I’d be like, I don’t know how this works (yeah). Put a condom on that thing (yeah). P: And then see if you get some alien powers out of it. D: *snorts* P: Oh, I’ve got a good one! D: I’ve got a solution to this. P: Go on then. D: And it’s real This is literally what would happen if I got abducted. P: Right. D: Because my item is a pair of ultra-tight skinny jeans. P: Oh, so they can’t get it off! D: They’re coming up to me and they’re like, *alien voice*
prepare to be entered, and then it’s just like they try to pull it off, they try, and it can’t, like, this shit,
P: Just spray on skinnies. D: it is FUSED to my BODY. Everyone has seen how flat my ass can look in one of- it’s just- it’s CRUSHED. It’s a symbiotic relationship, and the aliens, they try everything like diamond lasers (*laughs* diamond lasers), inter-dimensional mining beams. NOTHING will get through that. So then, they just simply give up and they just let me go home. P: They just let you go home?
D: And then the fact they go, where did you get that? And I’m like ASOS, £16.50. P: I think that was good. The thing is that they are aggressive aliens so I don’t think they’re gonna let you go if they can’t get in your jeans. (well, well) They will be more likely to just remove your brain. D: Well, it just said ‘get out of the anal probing’ situation. P: Fine!
D: So, I mean. P: Well, I’m on the way, I’m being beamed up. *being beamed up by aliens noise* In my pocket (you have), I’ve got some D: Oh! P: Yeah! So, I see them
D: Oh NO. OH GOD. P: So I’m gonna die, so I just poo- (*screaming*) poo everywhere. D: HOW? HOW DID YOU HAVE THIS CARD? P: I dunno. Poo all over the spaceship.
D: Oh m- P: It stinks. They don’t wanna go near me.
D: Phil, they- they are never gonna come back to earth.
P: They’re just like no, I don’t wanna come near this creature D: Poor aliens! P: Forget the disgusting human! D: They’re gonna be like right we’re gonna- we’re gonna (yep!) have some fun with this one . And then you just violently shit (yep!) all over their spaceship? P: So they- they just have to lower me back to earth D: And just.
P: It’s just too disgusting. D: They’re all crying.
P: Yeah. *laughs* D: You ruined Steven’s birthday. P: I did! D: It was his first probing and
P: And he doesn’t get me. D: you just ruined it. P: That’s it! You gotta give me that! Come on! Come on!
D: I’m very upset and there’s a lot of visual imagery there but you absolutely win that one. P: Yes!
D: So, congratulations, Phil. *clap clap clap* You are the victor (thank you) this time. P: Is it alright to clap yourself? I never know. D: Um, you can in this time.
P: I’m doing it. If you’re proud of yourself for giving that answer. P: I’m proud! So watch out aliens, I’ve got a plan. Yeah. Well, that was fun. I think we learnt a lot about each other and what we’d do in a
D: And how we’d react to trying (chaotic)
D+P: situations. P: This is the kind of thing that we can take on tour! So if you want us to play this on the tour bus D: We can pack a bucket.
P: We can pack a bucket! So let us know. Give us a thumbs up. D: If you enjoyed this. P: And hope you’re all good. Speaking of the tour, which we’re on right now, come see us! (hi) We’re in the UK! D: You’ve missed some of it. P: But not all of it. D: But there’s a lot of the rest of the world that we’re going to. So if you live in places in the UK we haven’t been to yet P: Or America.
D: Or some places in America. Go to D: Check it out! P: Check it out! And then maybe you can see us have these kinds of intellectual, situational, conversational thingies in real life. P: Yeah! Subscribe, have a good day, don’t get probed by aliens, bye! D: If you do, you got a plan tho. P: Yeah.