Coldplayers Against Humanity #1


*Microphone noise* PJ: Hello? Clara: Can…
Carmen: Helluh…? Clara: HIIIIIIII PJ: Whoa, you’re a little loud
Carmen: Hello hello Clara: I know, I’m loud
PJ: Okay *Chinese Sleep Chant plays* PJ: Heya, Revolts! PJ: This is PJ AKA Clodplaye here, and welcome, to the very first episode… PJ: …of Coldplayers Against Humanity! PJ: I am with a bunch of fellow Coldplayers here today, uh… PJ: First we have, a really good friend of mine actually, PJ: his name is Alex AKA JazzHamster here on the game. PJ: Unfortunately, his audio does not work um, PJ: but other than that, we got Clara AKA @guyberryyum on Tumblr and Instagram (Mrs_Berryman in the game) Clara: Yo, what’s good, fam?! Carmen: *chuckles*
PJ: Alright, and then we have Carmen AKA @fools-gold-thunder on Tumblr (same as in game except there’s underscores in the game) Carmen: Hello, everyone. Carmen: I can promise you that this game has been a very long time coming. PJ: Yeah we-oh my goodness you guys have no idea how many times we’ve had to restart this…
Carmen: *laughs* PJ: It’s ridiculous. PJ: Um, but go follow all of these guys. PJ: They’re so awesome, and uh, they have amazing accounts! PJ: And Alex is a fellow musician, so you should go follow him too if you really like music! PJ: Okay!
So, we’re going to get started! PJ: Start the game! PJ: Okay.
Carmen: Alright, here we go… PJ: Who’s the czar first?
Oh, you’re the czar, Carmen! Carmen: I am! 😀 Carmen: I am, I am, I am.
PJ: Alright, please read the card. Carmen: *reads the card* PJ: Oh no… PJ: Cherry made this card-oh yeah! PJ: We’re playing with two different Coldplay decks.
We’re playing with mine, and we’re playing with uh… Cherry’s (@cherrylng follow her too) on Tumblr Clara: *snickers*
PJ: I think this is one of her cards (it was) PJ: Ah God…
Clara: *tries to suppress laughter*
Carmen: Aw man… Carmen: I-I had such a good card that I could’ve used. PJ: *sees that weird white card*
WHA-? *wheezes* PJ: What is this card that I chose?!
Oh my Go- *wheezes again* Carmen: I’m excited to see what it is… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) PJ: I… I don’t think you’re ready for this… PJ: I really don’t… PJ: It’s a bad card.
Carmen: Ahhh… Carmen: I agree.
Clara: Okay, like… okay y’all, I’m having a dumb moment… PJ: It’s okay *laughs* take your time, Clara. PJ: I-I made the timing unlimited.
Clara: I can’t-it’s… PJ: So, you click on the card you want to go up-oh okay there you go! Clara: *giggles*
Carmen: *laughs*
PJ: And… *starts laughing* Carmen: Oh my God…
PJ: Oh no! Carmen: Okay…
PJ: Oh God… Carmen: Our options are: Carmen: *reads the first card* Carmen: Okay…
Clara: I picked the wrong answer.
PJ: *gasps in the background* omg… *laughs* Carmen: *reads the second card* Carmen: Or
PJ: Oh no… Carmen: *reads third card* PJ: Oh God, these are all terrible…
Carmen: I got some… really great options. Clara: I should’ve picked the first one. Everyone: *laughs* PJ: Gee, I wonder whose card that is… *referring to the first one*
Carmen: Okay… I mean… Carmen: I have to say this one… let’s see… ooo… PJ: Nooooo! Aw, it was Alex’s!
Carmen: Alright, alright! PJ: Dang it… Carmen: That’s such a good card! PJ: I thought mine was pretty good. Carmen: PJ, which one was yours? PJ: The capturing Newt Gingrich one. Carmen: *laughs*
PJ: …and dancing in a monkey suit. Oh… Carmen: I can’t believe that that’s a card!
Clara: OOOO! PJ: *reads card* Clara: Dang, and I had a good answer for that one… PJ: I cannot wait to see the uh… answers for this one… *being sarcastic* Carmen: Aaaaah! I have so many good… Carmen: I have so many good cards, aw man… PJ: I don’t r- oh yeah! You won last time, didn’t you, Carmen? PJ: Like, on our test run. Carmen: I did, I did. *says proudly* PJ: You did. PJ: Oh-OH MY GO-!
Carmen: I’m very proud of that fact. PJ: AWH, NO! SOMEONE PICKED THE CARD I MADE! *the middle, white card* PJ: Okay…
Carmen: *laughs* PJ: *reads black card* PJ: *reads first white card* PJ: *reads second card* (like I wasn’t going to choose that card…) PJ: or *reads third card* PJ: Well, I… gee, I wonder which one I’m gonna pick…? PJ: OH NO, ALEX! DANG… FRICKEN…
Carmen: Ugh… of course. PJ: UGH. Carmen: Alex! Clara: *laughs quietly*
PJ: He’s… I’m telling you I think he’s gonna win. PJ: Okay, uh, is heee…??
Carmen: Ugh, I think so too, man… PJ: He’s the czar, so I’m gonna read his card for him. PJ: *reads the card again* Clara: Oh, I got a good one!! *laughs uncontrollably*
Carmen: Awww magic! (the card are the lyrics to Coldplay’s “Magic”) Clara: *laughing continues* I have a good one! XD PJ: Oh God… PJ: I have…
Clara: *can’t even breathe at this point* PJ: Are you okay there, Clara? Carmen: *gasps* I’m scared about what her card is gonna say!
Clara: I’m laughing! I’m sorry!
PJ: *bursts out one laugh* PJ: Ugh, I don’t know what to pick! Clara: Oh my goodness! Oh my God I’m all like crying! *laughs even more* PJ: *joins in* PJ: Oh no…
Carmen: NAAH! PJ: Of course-WAIT A MINUTE. Carmen: Alright! Alright! ^_^
PJ: That wasn’t your card! PJ: Oh my gosh!
Carmen: *inaudible* PJ: I thought for sure that was you card, Clara!
(since she loves Guy Berryman) Clara: Nope! PJ: Dang it…
Carmen: Was that Cherry’s card? The tying Guy Berryman to a chair? PJ: Yeah, that was Cherry’s card. Clara: Alright, it says: Clara: *reads card* (do I even need subtitles for this…) Carmen: *giggles* Carmen: I have no idea…
PJ: *tries but fails not to laugh* PJ: I tried… Carmen: I didn’t. Carmen: I did not try at all.
Clara and PJ: *burst into a laughing fit* Carmen: *chuckles*
Clara: Alright, oh my goodness. All of these are good. Clara: I’m not sure… Clara: Hmmm… Carmen: It’s hard being the card czar.
Clara: *quietly* I’m not… Clara: I know right? PJ: I know. That’s the hardest job in the world
(that was a joke btw) Clara: I-I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m gonna have to go with this one. PJ: Wait, it’s not showing up-YAAAAAY Carmen: Awwww… Carmen: Aw, man!
PJ: I had the advantage for that one, but I used my blank card.
Clara: I don’t know. Carmen: You did. Okay-OH! I’m the card czar.
PJ: Yeah, but that is a card though. That is a card that I actually made (for my Coldplay deck), but I used a blank card. Carmen: *reads card*
(I’m getting tired of typing this subtitle I think you guys know by now) Clara: *laughing*
PJ: I had nothing…
Carmen: Mine’s alright. Clara: Oh… OOOOH
PJ: Oh my- Clara: Oh. Oooh. PJ: Two of these are freaking about Guy! Carmen: I know!! PJ: *laughs out an “okayyy”* Carmen: Which Guy one can I choose? Clara: It’s a hard decision, man. Clara: Heh. Carmen: I mean, obviously this one. PJ: Dang it! I put Justin Bieber XD
Carmen: Yaaay! Carmen: Whoever made this card is… (I couldn’t understand what Carmen and Clara were saying there, sorry! :'( Clara: There we go. PJ: I think both of those were Cherry’s. (they were) PJ: Okay, this is a double one, so… PJ: I don’t-am I the only one that doesn’t like double cards? I think so. Carmen: I think that… I think that they’re good if you have good cards to play, Carmen: but if you don’t, it’s like… Carmen: …what am I gonna play?
PJ: It’s a horrible thing.
Clara: I have that, so mine make no sense. PJ: Mine never make any sense for double or triple ones. PJ: OOO MY GOD… WHY?
Carmen: Mine-
Clara: *giggles* PJ: C’MON, GUYS.
Carmen: *joins Clara* PJ: *read the first set of cards*
(I’m getting lazy putting subtitles on at this point sorry) PJ: *reads second set of cards* Carmen: *laughs* I don’t wanna know what that looks like…
PJ: *begins to read third set of cards but wants to listen to Carmen* PJ: I don’t either, to be honest… PJ: *reads third set of cards* PJ: I-I mean… Clara: Uh, mine doesn’t…
PJ: This… this one made me laugh the most. Carmen: Ahhhhh!
PJ: Good job, Carmen. 🙂
Clara: I’m-I’m telling you, Clara: if I’m in-if I ever have a kid, I have to eat a lunchable. Clara: Like, go into labor, so…
PJ: *is actually crying from laughter* Carmen: Alright alriiiight!
PJ: Yeah, okay! This is Alex’s card. Clara: Okay. Clara: I… I… um… Clara: Ooo, I don’t know what to pick. Carmen: nnn…nnn…NNNN. Carmen: Oh, I don’t know! PJ: That’s the other hard part is just picking the cards you wanna put up there. Clara: I’m just gonna…
Carmen: None of them- Carmen: None of mine really make sense, but… Clara: Yeah.
Carmen: I’m trying to pick one.
PJ: Mine don’t either. PJ: Okay… Clara: *laughs* Oh my God though!
PJ: So… PJ: *reads all the cards* PJ: Oh God… Carmen: What is Alex going to choose?! PJ: I have no idea. I… well, I lost now, now that he sai- PJ: OH MY GOD I WON! (I got too excited sorry) Carmen: AH! PJ: *laughs hysterically* I thought I was gonna l- I just threw that card up there! Clara: I guess… I guess 15 minutes on saving car insurance is more important than… Ricky. :/ PJ: Yeah. *laughs* I guess so. Clara: I try. Clara: *reads card* Clara: *laughs* This should be funny! PJ: *wheezes out a high pitched laugh*
(I need help)
Carmen: I have one that’s… PJ: *in a high pitched voice that she never uses* I HAVE ONE…
Carmen: Ughhhh Clara: I kinda would- I kinda wish somebody else would’ve had this question so I could play.
Carmen: Ah, here we go. PJ: Oh no! These are all good! Carmen: These are all wonderful. PJ: I know…
Clara: Oh my goodness… I-… Clara: It’s a tie between all 3… oh my God… Clara: I-I’m sorry, I’m gonna-
PJ: I would hate to be you right now, Clara. Carmen: Yeah, these are all so gohuhuhood! PJ: Dang it…
Carmen: Alright alright alriiight!!! PJ: *breaths out* oh my gosh… PJ: *quietly* okay…
Carmen: I wanna know what the award would be like. PJ: I know…
Carmen: Alright, I am the card czar… Carmen: *reads* PJ: Oh God!
Carmen: RIP in peace to Billy Mays, everyone. Carmen: OxiClean changed my life.
PJ: R-…rip. PJ: OxiClean will never be the same-WHAAAT? Carmen: UHUHUH??!! PJ: WHAT IS THIS?!
Clara: Let’s see… Carmen: This isn’t even… this isn’t even a competition. *laughs*
PJ: Dang it! (wow I’m saying that a lot sorry) Clara: Yayhayhayhay, I won! Wooo! 😀 PJ: Oh my gosh, we’re pretty much all tied up, except for Carmen! Carmen: We are! PJ: Aw, I got the two one again! Oh my gosh…
Clara: Oh, Carmen has one more. PJ: *reads* Clara: *snickers* oh my goodness
Carmen: Okay… let me see…
PJ: Ah… PJ: I’m so glad I don’t have to play these two cards though. I’d have such the hardest time…
Carmen: OOOOO! Clara: Okay. Mine… is somewhat kinda mean. PJ: Well, this is Cards Against Humanity. I mean, anything can happen. Carmen: Uh, let’s see…
Clara: I feel like I said the wrong answer- Clara: OH MY GOD, CRYSTAL METH?! Carmen and PJ: *silence, and then burst out laughing*
Clara: Okay… PJ: Now I know which card is yours if you play it!>:D PJ: Okay. Carmen: I love how you just randomly go: “crystal meth?” XD Carmen: I’m like… “what??” :O PJ: Yeah. I know, I had to take a second to process that! PJ: Okay *reads first cards* PJ: Actually, that could be true… PJ: *reads second set of cards* PJ: Wow, that’s also kinda true… PJ: *reads third set* PJ: Okay, um…
Clara: Awwww…
Carmen: Ugh, those Amish, am I right? *sarcasm* PJ: Those freaking Amish people *also sarcasm as I have Amish friends*
Clara: All 3 of these are good. PJ: All of these are pretty good, but… because… Coldplay. Carmen: Ahhhh! Clara: We’re gonna fight Carmen.
Carmen: Alright alright!! PJ: I’m… I’m gonna lose this… Carmen: I must be an-
Clara: Yeah. Carmen: I must be an Oompa-Loompa because Jonny’s sick guitar solos kill me all the time. PJ: Alright, so Alex’s card is: Clara: I’m going to do it… YES! Clara: I don’t feel bad for doing it. Carmen: I have good cards and I don’t know where to play!
PJ: I almost played another card. PJ: OH NO I lost. Carmen and Clara: *laugh*
PJ: The penny whistle solo from “My Heart Will Go On”… classic. PJ: Chris playing the piano naked though… PJ: And porn stars.
Clara: See? And it said so hard, so yeah. PJ: Oh gosh… PJ: I wonder- PJ: I KNEW IT, THAT CARD ALWAYS WINS. Carmen: ALRIIIIIGHT! PJ: That’s like the win card besides, “BEES?”
Carmen: Oh my God, I’m doing so good! PJ: I don’t know, Carmen. You’re slaying us again.
Clara: I thought I had a… chance. Carmen: What’s going on…? O.o Clara: Alright, it says: Carmen: Alright… Clara: If one of y’all say crystal meth, we’re about to fight. Carmen: *bursts into laughter*
PJ: I don’t have that-no, I don’t have that card! I wish! Carmen: I wish I had crystal meth!
(SHE MEANT THE CARD) PJ: *laughs and applauds* NOHOHOOOO
Clara: *gasps* Carmen: Oh my God…
Clara: I’m sorry because… because that was the best halftime show, Clara: I’m gonna have to like… go with this one. PJ: Oh, YAY! I thought-WOOO! 😀 Yeah. Carmen: Can I just vent for a second? PJ: Yes.
Carmen: I am… Carmen: …so mad. I feel like Coldplay got UNBELIEVABLY cheated, Carmen: out of their Super Bowl show.
PJ: I know! I know. Carmen: And I’m… I will forever be salty about it. Oh my gosh. PJ: Me too. They should get a do-over. PJ: And at night.
Carmen: They should, but that believe in love, like right at the end… Carmen: That… that made me cry. That was so beautiful.
Clara: That murdered me. I couldn’t even watch the rest of the game. PJ: It murdered all the Coldplayers.
Carmen: It made me go, “Aw.” PJ: They saved the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Carmen: Okay… PJ: Actually, no, they saved the entire Super Bowl.
Carmen: THEY DID. Carmen: They saved… they just saved America. Carmen: That moment it just… saved America.
PJ: They did. Carmen: *reads again* Clara: OOOOO I got one. Carmen: Like… Beyoncé and Bruno Mars, I love you but, c’mon. It was Coldplay’s moment to shine. Carmen: Uh… none of these really make sense? PJ: One of them KINDA does. (hinting towards my card) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Clara: Okay, oooh… stormtroopers. Carmen: D’you know what? Carmen: Just ‘cuz.
PJ: Yay. Carmen: Just ‘cuz. Clara: Dang it… Carmen: Catching up to me, PJ. PJ: YES!
Clara: I thought Princess of China had a chance, man. PJ: Yeah, I thought so too. PJ: *reads for the billionth time* PJ: Oh yeah, it’s not a double one this time. *relieved*
Clara: *squeaks* Clara: These cards are funny! Clara: I have some crazy crazy cards. Carmen: Nnooo Clara: Like, one of these don’t even make sense at all. Carmen: Okay. PJ: OOOOOO GOOOOOOD PJ: I say that everytime, but OOOOOO GOOOOOOD
Carmen: UHHHHH! Carmen: That first one, ew! PJ: That’s what I was going, “OOOOOO GOOOOOOD” about… PJ: Okay, *reads options* PJ: I think-I
Clara: I think that last one’s gonna win. PJ: Yeah. Carmen: AHHHHHH!
PJ: Good-Carmen, God dang it! Carmen: Oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh!
PJ: Every, single, freaking time!
Clara: I need 4 to tie. PJ: We’re getting slayed. Clara: It’s alright, I’m coming back. PJ: Oh yeah, watch Clara or Alex make a comeback just outta nowhere. Carmen: I’m scared. I’m scared.
PJ: Okay, so- PJ: Alex’s is: Clara: I just picked a very dumb answer. PJ: I don’t even know… I don’t even remember what card I picked! Carmen: Ugh, I feel like I need to save this card, um…
PJ: Oh, it’s up there (I’m an idiot) Carmen: D’you wanna know what? Whatever. Just… sometimes you gotta… PJ: *sees Clara’s card* GOD DANGIT, CLARA! Carmen: Crystal meth! PJ: That one’s gonna win. If it doesn’t win, I’m gonna be sad. Carmen: Life in a hot mess is a… it’s a little too close for home. PJ: Yeah-OH MY-…
Clara: OOOOOOOOO! Clara: I played “crystal meth”!
Carmen: WHAT IS GOING ON?! Clara: *mourning the death of her card* WHHHYYY?? PJ: I swear to… Jesus Chris! Clara: Oo, I gotta a good one! Okay. Clara: *reads* Carmen: I’ve got a nasty one, and I’ve got a… a good one. Clara: Which one?
PJ: I’m playing the only card I know that might win…
Carmen: Like… play. Carmen: Who’s the card czar right now? PJ: Clara. Carmen: Clara must be. Okay. PJ: These are all Coldplay cards, what? XD Carmen: Ahhhh! Clara: Uh my God. Clara: The last one though. *everyone laughs* Carmen: Noooo Carmen: Have you guys seen the picture of Chris like running down the beach with a towel on his head? PJ: Yeah.
Clara: Mmhmm Carmen: Ugh… that picture… icon like. Carmen: Really… the supermodel of our generation. PJ: Yup. Clara: I’m gonna have to go with that one
(AND WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT MY CARD) PJ: OH. NOOOOOOOOO
Carmen: OOOO PJ: CARMEN! Carmen: Did I just win??
PJ: You won. You just won! Carmen: oooooooo PJ: That was the fastest round of ca-…
Carmen: Two for two!! PJ: God dang it!
Carmen: Ah! 😀 Carmen: You had that one!
Clara: I wanna do another one, that was fun. PJ: Yeah, that was pretty fun. You guys wanna go again? Carmen: Course! PJ: Alright, then let’s do it!
Clara: I’m coming back for you, Carmen. PJ: Yeah, we’re… we’re coming back, watch us. Carmen: I’m… I can’t wait.

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