All: I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good! P: Hey! R: Here we are. What? S: What’s up with your hair, James? J: I’m having A Day™, okay? R: A bad day? S: Clearly. J: Well, everyone has bad hair days. Just look at Pete.
S: I don’t. R: Well, except that one time- J: You know, with the muggle fireworks- S: We don’t talk about that time. J: We don’t talk about that time. S: What are we doing today? J: It’s time for a rematch. R: A rematch? Really?
S: A rematch. R: You’re gonna challenge the champion? J: Yes. R: Lily’s not here to challenge me so you’re gonna challenge me instead? J: Yes I am, Lupin! S: And we’re doing Cards Against Muggles.
J: Yes because, I mean- She has the same kind of twisted humour as you, so that’s why you guys are in the lead.
R: Oh, so that’s why. Okay. J: But now Lily isn’t here so we can go full out, Marauder style. S: Oh, right. That’s what was wrong. He was trying to behave last time and show his good side.
P: Oh, right. R: That’s why Lily almost won- S: So this is the really raunchy version. J: Yeah.
S: Yeah, okay. Ooh! Actually, I want to know this one. This is interesting. Remus Lupin’s guilty pleasure is…. Pure-blooded dick. R: I mean, what? S: Well…. R: Well…. S: Remus Lupin’s guilty pleasure is…. Sirius Black, the world’s biggest drama queen. What? What are you talking about? R: Well…. I mean….
S: What? What? Okay. Remus Lupin’s guilty pleasure is…. Severus Snape whining about the friendzone. R: No, that’s the worst! He literally won’t shut up!
S: On the other hand- On the other hand, it’s kind of fun because, you know, he’s convinced he’s been friendzoned. R: Well-
S: That’s fun to listen to. R: No. That’s- No. Really. No. S: I mean….There’s an obvious choice here. Who had “Sirius Black…”? R: Well, it was my guilty pleasure. S: Yeah. Yeah. I mean- What can you do? R: Yeah, okay. So… Great start. Great start. I’m the Card Czar, right? S: I think so….
J: You’re the Minister of Cards. R: Minister of Cards, right?
S: We’re going anticlockwise, right? S: Minister of Cards. R: Okay.
S: Mix it up. R: These better not say Remus Lupin. Or do what you want. I don’t know. A young Albus Dumbledore likes the idea of getting fucked by the giant squid. J: He was adventurous- S: I mean….
R: I mean, yeah…. S: I mean… No hate, I suppose. R: No, I don’t wanna- S: Don’t kinkshame the headmaster.
R: Don’t kinkshame. Don’t kinkshame the giant squid.
J: No kinkshaming. Only Snape shaming. S: That’s true. R: Gilderory Lockhart likes the idea of getting fucked by the giant squid. S: He might… J: He’s 13, right? R: Yeah, that’s a plenty great age to fantasise about the giant squid, isn’t it? J: I don’t know, I mean- You tell me. P: I don’t like it!
R: Lily Evans likes the idea of getting fucked by the giant squid. S: Really? J: Was that your card?
P: What? No…. R: I’m gonna pick Lily because this is the worst. I guess he did want to die. Here you go. P: I did win! S: You did win. P: Yeah. She’s not here. S: I hope it was worth the sacrifice. That’s true. Lily’s not here.
P: Yeah, Lily’s not here. R: So we can say anything?
P: We were going to go full Marauder, right? R: That does apply to everyone, it seems. S: Okay.
J: Sirius Black cries over (blank). Some muggle device that vibrates. S: Um…? What, like a vacuum? R: No that’s incorrect. J: Sirius Black cries over werewolf pornography. R: I mean, what? S: What?
J: There’s a market for everything. S: What? Um… R: No…. J: Sirius Black cries over Remus Lupin’s time of the month. S: Um…. R: I mean, I cry over that one. S: Yeah, I mean- Clearly that’s something that’s actually upsetting. R: I mean- That thing that vibrates is also- You can cry for a lot of reasons. S: What? R: Well, I’m not gonna tell you now! We can- I mean- It can be arranged. S: What is it? I don’t know. Do you know? (Remus whispers to Sirius) ….Merlin…..And then you….? R: Yeah. J: I’m going with werewolf pornography. P: My card! R: Good call, though. Good call. P: Yeah. Always go sexual. S: Yeah, that was- Yeah. Um… R: But it was on point also. S: I do cry over your time of the month, though.
R: Aww! Me too.
S: For several reasons. P: Wow. Minerva McGonagall adores…. Remus Lupins’ pubes. S: Huh…
R: What the-!? P: That’s disturbing. R: She has- No! No! S: That’s so strange.
P: Minerva McGonagall adores organising a Slytherin orgy. J: Horrible.
S: Who are you guys? I don’t know you. J: Well she’s organised…. R: Yeah, she is organised. That’s true. True.
P: She is very organised. R: It would probably be a great orgy.
S: Why would SHE be organising that? She’s our head of house. R: She should be organising a Gryffindor orgy? S: It makes a lot more sense, doesn’t it? R: But you know Slytherins and their orgies…. S: I don’t want to imagine Slughorn organising orgies, though. J: No.
R: No. It’s better that McGonagall does it. S: Yeah, I suppose. P: Minerva McGonagall adores being sorted into Hufflepuff. S: Eh?
R: Well that’s kind of sweet, I guess. S: Yeah.
R: I mean, it’s not an orgy, but- P: “It’s not an orgy, but…” Hmm…. S: Oh, come on! That’s not a difficult one. R: Everything is difficult for this one. P: Yeah, everything is difficult.
R: This one is the one I mean. S: Yeah, this one. Yeah. R: Yeah, this one.
S: For that one. P: Stop it! Organising a Slytherin orgy. R: Thank you.
S: Yeah, I was gonna say- Clearly…. R: Thank you.
S: Was that you? R: Yes! S: You dirty werewolf….
P: Of course it is. R: Already- I’m gonna win this. Challenge me. Really. Do it. S: Except, the two of you are- We’ve gotten nothing and they’ve gotten two. P: Yay!
R: Well, Pete’s not gonna win. P: What? I can win!
S: Our reputations as hard asses are gonna be out of the window.
J: It’s the game! See! It hates me. S: Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without the Marauders. J: Aww!
R: Aww! S: Aww! That’s so lovely. Okay. But we’re gonna graduate soon. J: And it won’t be the same. R: No. It wouldn’t be the same.
S: That’s true.
P: It won’t be Hogwarts anymore. They have to rename it. S: Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without Peeves finding you masturbating. R: Well, that is true. S: Is that your card, Pete?
P: That’s very true. No! S: Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without seducing Minerva McGonagall. This is James’ card. J: No! S: How else did you get that Head Boy- J: I seduced Dumbledore. S: Well, clearly- You did not! Hey! Stay off my lawn!
R: You’re just- Don’t- Don’t be jealous. S: Clearly, it’s the Marauders. R: Cute.
S: Yes. P: Mine! R: He’s gonna win this.
P: Thank you. S: Okay. R: I thought seducing Minerva would be a good idea, but you know- S: I don’t want to hear about you seducing Minerva. R: Ohh. J: Why do you think he’s prefect? R: Lucius Malfoy wanks to…. Remus Lupin’s sexy librarian look. Well, I mean- S: I mean- I understand him, I suppose. R: Malfoy. Gross! S: The one thing we would have in common then. R: Although…. Lucius Malfoy wanks to Sirius Black’s indescribable sexual magnetism. S: Indescribable? Oh, really? R: Lucius Malfoy wanks to the luscious Lucius Malfoy. P: That’s probably true. R: Oh great. Yeah, that one was the best. J: Yeah, I mean- All he needs is a mirror, right? R: Yeah.
S: Yeah, obviously. R: Can you believe him wanking with a full body mirror? I can see it. Gross.
S: Well…. P: Ughh…. J: (Blank) is surprisingly good in bed. Filch’s cat, Mrs Norris, is surprisingly good in bed. S: Oh my God. Um…According to who? R: Who knows?
J: I don’t know.
Filch? R: Filch, I suppose.
P: Noo! S: Oh noooo! J: They’re practically married, right? A motherfucking stag is surprisingly good in bed. R: Is that your own card? J: Madam Pomfrey is surprisingly good in bed. P: Well-
S: Wha- Hm…. Well- I mean, she’s-
P: I don’t want to think about this. S: She’s good beside the bed.
J: I think I’m gonna go with Madam Pomfrey, actually. S: Whoo! My first card!
R: Woah! J: It feels very like “Ah! She’s surprisingly good in bed.” R: Oh, lovely!
J: Very wholesome. R: Wholesome!?
S: Well, she has good beside manners, I suppose. J: Healing hands…. R: You need healing? Or- P: Okay- J: It depends what you do with the hands. P: Sirius Black really likes…. S: Why is me on the cards all the time? R: Oh, I know this one! S: What do I really like? P: Sirius Black really likes having gorgeous hair. S: Well-
J: True. P: Very true.
R: Yes, it is kind of pretty. S: Kind of??? R: Okay, it’s super pretty. S: Yep. I know. P: Guys…. Sirius Black really likes giving Slughorn a blowjob to get Potions extra credits. R: Really? S: No!
R: Really? S: I don’t need to go outside of-
P: We’re learning stuff today. S: -the classroom rules to get good grades. P: Okay then. R: You sure?
S: Yep. P: Sirius Black really likes breaking every single rule and only getting a light scolding. S: Yes.
P: That’s very true. R: Oh wow.
S: That’s true. R: All these are- I hope-
S: No! R: I hope that one’s not true but, I mean- P: All of these are true! S: No! They’re not. R: Just two of them, right? S: Yep. Guess which two. P: I have to pick the Slughorn one. Yeah.
J: Yes! S: Prongs!
P: It was horrible. S: How could you? J: It was great. S: No, it was not great. Okay. *ahem* I never expected to find the rest of the Marauders gangbanging Peter Pettigrew- P: What?
S: -under Professor McGonagall’s robes. P: No! That’s horrible! R: Well, it’s unexpected, certainly. S: Yes.
P: Yeah, definitely. S: That’s very unexpected.
R: How will we all fit under McGonagall’s robes? S: So that’s what the Slytherins’ orgy was going to do! R: Yeah, that’s what-
P: Oh yeah. S: Okay. I never expected to find Kingsley Shacklebolt looking classy as fuck under Professor McGonagall’s robes. P: What?
S: What is-
P: Hm. Yeah, well- J: He is a good dresser- R: Well, he does dress well-
S: Yeah, true.
R: True. P: If anyone’s going to look classy underneath her robes, it’s gonna be him.
J: It’s him. S: However, under HER robes? I don’t know. I never expected to find inappropriate Ravenclaws under Professor McGonagall’s robes. R: Wow, she does get around, that one. McGonagall, what are you doing? Don’t watch this, please! P: Yeah, don’t watch this.
R: No. Please. I’m sorry.
S: Who had the gangbang? P: That’s horrible. S: What are you thinking about? R: Trelawney actually correctly predicted actual married couple, Sirius and Remus. S: Aww! J: Okay, we know that one’s going to win. R: Yeah.
P: What the fuck? R: I mean, We’re gonna- Well, she also actually correctly predicted a sneaky handjob. P: Well….
S: That’s the same thing. P: Yeah. R: And Trelawney actually correctly predicted losing your wand and using your dick instead. S: What!? Can you do that? P: Maybe? R: It depends on the spell that you want to do- S: I sense an experiment. R: No.
J: You do that. R: Yeah, you do that.
P: Yeah, you do that. R: I’m gonna wait outside, actually. Well, yeah. Actual married couple- S: Yayyy! R: Yeah, I thought that one was yours.
P: Of course. R: I hoped that was yours. S: It was mine. J: Oh, and we have another one with Kingsley. I hope he won’t watch this. So, Kingsley is very aroused by calling Severus Snape a fuckboy. R: Me too. S: Yeah….
R: Me too. S: That’s something we’ve got in common. J: That turns you on? S: Calling him a fuckboy, yeah. That’s like- Sure. Whatever.
J: That’s what you do in bed? R: No, that’s not what we do in bed. J: Erm. Kingsley is very aroused by using a dick as a portkey. R: So you just grab it and go somewhere.
P: Wow. J: Other people grab it.
S: That’s what a dick is for. R: Other people grab it.
J: And then the magic happens-
R: And then you go- P: On your own, or someone else’s? R: It doesn’t specify-
J: Using a dick. R: A dick. Any dick.
S: So, this is another part of the experiment. J: Kingsley is very aroused by Lily Evans crushing your genitals. S: Doesn’t it say cursing?
P: Cursing- J: Cursing! Oh. Well. I didn’t read it.
R: It could be crushing as well. It could be cursing.
S: That’s true. J: Well I guess that one wins. P: Probably a crushing curse. J: Yeah, I mean- If she’s gonna use something, it’s a crushing curse. P: Yeah. R: It’s terrible. J: Well, some people are into that, I guess. Kingsley…. S: But it’s YOUR genitals because you’re the one reading the card. J: Well I think it’s his genitals. S: Ah, okay.
R: Any genitals.
J: Yeah. S: Whichever.
J: Genitals in general. R: Genitals. Crushing portkey genitals. S: There’s a lot of genitals.
R: Yeah. P: I hate this card. S: Okay?
R: Okay. P: I most admire Severus Snape for…. S: I hate this card too. P: Yeah. Everyone hates this card. I most admire Severus Snape for…. wearing a vibrator in Potions class. S: Erm….
P: Ew! S: Oh, that was the one thing that you- Yeah. R: Yeah.
S: I’ve learned that now. R: You’ve learned it now. So he does that in class, or- P: I most admire Severus Snape for making out with a dementor. S: Yeah, well-
P: That would be very good. I would admire him for doing that too.
J: Yeah. S: Yes. Yes. Snivellus-
P: Please do! S: Snivellus, please do! R: God… P: I most admire Severus Snape for…. secret in-class hand job. S: Wait-
P: A secret in-class hand job. S: Well, well, well, Wormtail…. P: No! I have to- The most disturbing one was wearing a vibrator, so I guess that one wins? R: Maybe that’s why he likes Potions so much? P: Yeah, maybe.
R: because he’s always wearing a vibrator- S: Oh no… Don’t.
R: -like “uhh, Potions…” S: I don’t want to think about it.
P: Yeah. No. S: I don’t want-
R: Are you sure? S: This…Begone! P: Eww! S: Where’s a pensieve when you need it? P: Eww! S: The fat lady, drunk with power, decided to change the password to…. pornographic daydream charms. That’s a mouthful. Nobody would guess this. P: No. S: The fat lady, drunk with power, decided to change the password to…. the real reason James was called Prongs. What is the real reason?
P: No! S: What is the real reason? R: No, we don’t-
P: We don’t want to know. R: No. S: The fat lady, drunk with power, decided to change the password to…. a howler sext. P: What?
S: You have to send her a howler sext every time you want to get in. R: Or you just scream obscene things at her to be let in.
S: Oh no. R: Oh wow.
S: Okay. Yeah, I like that one. Howler sext. R: Thank you. S: Of course. Of course it’s you. You have the worst mind here. R: The real reason Nick is only nearly-headless is because he was receiving a tender blowjob. S: How the hell would that work? P: What?
R: At the time he was beheaded, or- J: Yeah. I guess. P: You guess?
S: Oh, so he got distracted or somebody else got distracted and missed- P: Someone else got distracted by him receiving a blowjob.
R: Yeah. Well, the real reason Nick is only nearly-headless is because he was getting down like a hippogriff. J: Yeah, so he moved downwards-
P: Yeah! J: So he was getting down and they missed-
R: Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.
S: Yeah, sure.
P: Oh my god. Wow. R: Well, the real reason is because he was snorting floo powder. How would that even- S: I sense that it’s experiment time!
P: No! Please don’t. J: It gets you places. S: I have so many ideas for experiments.
R: It gets you places! P: Yeah.
S: It gets you places! R: Oh god…. Don’t snort floo powder, kids. S: Don’t. Don’t snort anything.
P: No, please. J: Or it burns your nose. Apparently. R: How do you know this?
S: Oh, do you know this because it’s spinning off? J: Well, you get enough of it when you actually use floo powder.
R: Yeah, that’s true. I hate floo powder. S: That’s true. You get it in your nose anyway, whether you want to or not. P: Yeah. R: I mean, I’m gonna go with the hippogriff. J: Yeah, I would have too. It makes sense. R: It makes sense. S: It does make sense. Okay. J: (Blank) is what makes Dumbledore so damn attractive. He Who Must Not Be Named is what makes Dumbledore so damn attractive. I mean, if you compare the two- R: Yeah.
S: Yeah. I mean, that’s not difficult by comparison.
P: Yeah. Definitely. J: Being sorted into Gryffindor is what makes Dumbledore so damn attractive.
P: Well- S: Well, hmm-
P: Maybe. S: It could be a contributing factor.
R: Yeah. J: Peter Pettigrew is what makes Dumbledore so damn attractive.
S: So, by comparison again, or what? P: No! J: I would say He Who Must Not Be Named because we know that he’s afraid of Dumbledore so that makes him more attractive. P: Yeah. True.
S: That’s true. That’s true.
R: Yes. True. S: Or is it that Peter Pettigrew sneaks up to his room every morning and helps him style himself? I don’t know.
R: Oh, no. No. S: That doesn’t make any sense at all. R: Thank you. You just wanted him to pick your card. S: Yeah….that wasn’t even my card. R: One, two three- P: Guess who’s dead! That’s right, ….. R: Oh, I should have saved that one. P: Guess who’s dead! That’s right, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Yayyy! R: They’ll never get any heirs. S: Well, most of them, yes.
P: Yeah. S: I wish, the rest of them. R: Are we gonna end the line? P: Guess who’s dead! That’s right, Dolores Umbridge. J: I mean, she is horrible.
P: Ooh, yes. R: Yeah. She’s so annoying. S: Ugh! J: I don’t even think Slytherin likes her. S: No.
R: No-one likes her. P: No. No-one likes her.
S: She always sits alone. It’s because she always tries to boss everyone around even though she’s younger.
J: Yeah. P: I mean, she’s accused her own house of doing stuff and losing house points for her own house.
J: Yeah, that’s true.
S: She’s the worst kind of snitch. P: It’s like, what’s up with that? S: Yeah, okay.
J: And all the pink. R: And all the pink. P: Guess who’s dead! That’s right, James Potter. J: What!? S: Oh no! P: It’s bound to happen someday. J: Well, not now! S: If you keep snorting floo powder.
R: Yeah. J: I don’t snort it, I just inhale it- S: Don’t do drugs, kids.
J: -while I stay in the fireplace. P: All of these are good. S: Mmmm.
P: Hmmm. I think I have to go with the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, actually. J: Ooh! Really? That’s me. P: Yeah. (Imitating James) “Ooh!” J: I’m still unsure what you were trying to tell me-
S: Thanks, Pete.
R: I like how you picked each other for this one. P: No, I don’t want you to die.
R: I wanted to kill Umbridge but, you know- J: Thanks.
S: I tried to kill you. J: I though he was killing me. P: No, I don’t want you to die. S: So, let’s check- I’ve got four.
J: Four. S: Nice. P: I have three. S: Aww… P: I was in the lead. S: …six, eight, how many? R: Five. J: Five. Ooh! R: So only by one point. It was pretty close. S: So you won again, then? No, Lily won last time- R: No, I won last time. P: Yeah. R: Lily did not win, and I’m gonna not let her forget it.
P: The reigning master is…. R: I’m still the reigning master. S: So yeah.
P: Yeah. S: So clearly we have to do this again, either without Remus or- P: Yeah, probably without Remus so we have a chance.
R: So you three are gonna play together, only? S: Or maybe we’ll invite somebody else, I don’t know. P: Or maybe without Sirius because he always picks his cards. J: Yeah.
P: Yeah…. S: Well, I can’t help it that I love to- R: Well, Lily picked my cards as well. S: I chose-
R: Maybe I just have the best humour. S: I chose on both brains and sexy. That’s not my fault. R: Sexy librarian….
P: Yeah, maybe without both of them. J: Yeah.
R: You can play with only you two? Like, on every other card?
J: With our other friends. P: Yeah.We can invite, like-
R: Oh, right. P: Frank?
J: Frank? R: Kingsley Shacklebolt, maybe?
P: Alice? J: Kingsley? I don’t know.
P: Yeah. Kingsley? Maybe Dumbledore?
S: There’s a lot about Kingsley in here- That’s true.
P: Yeah. R: Dumbledore would love this game.
P: Yeah. S: If you guys have suggestions for who you think we might be able to play with in the future- J: Who would be a fair play? S: Who would be a good challenger?
R: Who could beat me? J: Yeah, who could beat Remus? P: Who could beat Remus?
S: Who could beat Remus? P: Yeah. Probably someone quiet. S: Well, I know who can beat him off, but that’s a different story- J: End of the video! Goodbye! P: Bye!