Cards Against Humanity – PART 1 – With GAME GRUMPS! – Table Flip


“Old fashioned games, and new fashioned friends! Come on everybody this is Table Flip!” Welcome to Table Flip hosted by the lovely Suzy, and the impeccable Barry. With special guests: Arin Danny Ross Come along and let’s flip tables. So what about the gout? I have it. It’s terrible. Wow. Seven days to live. I’m so sorry! Yeah, what’s that about? Where did you get it from? 17th century chimney that I was sweeping, are we in the 18th century. I don’t… You got the gout from a chimney?? Listen, I don’t even know what the gout is Suzy! Don’t press me on this! You got to get that gout out. Nice! Barry. Yes? What’s the gout? Well, when a chimney loves another chimney very much they have chimney babies and that’s why you have seven days left to live. If a chimney baby… are you a chimney baby. I am. Oh no! This is terrible. I’m sorry guys I… You have much to learn about the world in seven days. So much. For example chimneys can’t have babies. Right. That’s it. Gout comes from not eating enough fruit, right? Is it? No, that’s scurvy. Oh… Yeah Wait, no, isn’t gout a food thing. Yeah… I think it’s like what pirates got, right? No, that’s scurvy! What the fuck is the gout?!? Does anyone know? There’s tons of people in this room! What is the gout about? What if we could invent
an encyclopedia machine that could transfer information from one place to another instantaneously. Impossible! I know what that’s called! A book. What? A book! I’ve read one of those! I read about a book once. What is this. What is this on our table? Thank you for joining us here today! What’s happening? We’re here to celebrate life. We’re here to play a game. Yeah. Is it a game where you cure a gout cause otherwise I’ll be dead before it’s over please continue. It is a game that’s gonna be really fast, but I think you’re gonna enjoy it a lot, um so for everybody at home, I’m sure you’ve heard of this game before. But this is the very special Cards Against Humanity. “Cards Against Humanity is a game for 4 to 20 players Play begins with players drawing 10 white cards, and the player who most recently pooped is elected the czar. The card czar draws the first black question card and reads the question aloud Everyone else answers the question or fills in the blank with a card from their hand, and passes it to the czar faced down. After shuffling the cards, the czar reads each answer aloud to the group. A best practice, if your the czar, is to reread the black card for each player’s white card, but this is not always necessary. After the reading, the czar should then select the one he or she likes best and award the owner one awesome point. An easy way to keep track of score is to give the black question card to the winner. After each round a new player becomes the czar and a new black question card is chosen. Other rules: Some cards say “Pick 2” on the bottom In this case the players should put their card in the order they want them to be read. Some cards say “Pick 3, Draw 2″. In this case draw two extra cards before playing 3 Sometimes a player will have more than one white card, which they believe can win. In this case they can bet one of their awesome points to play an additional white card. If they win, they get to keep their wagered point. But if they lose the winner of the round collects their wagered point in addition to the awesome point. House Rules: A popular traditional house rule is that the haiku black card be played at the end of the game. This card has the players draw two cards and make a three-card haiku. Remember to have fun.” All right. I will start dealing out the cards. Ten cards per person. Thank you, sir. Thank you lord Chester Honeysworth. Cool. That’s your name, right? I may have made that up… Yes, paperboy. I didn’t bother to learn your name. That’s my name sir. Paper H. Boy. As per the rules you guys already know this, whoever pooped last gets to go first. Yeah, Arin, I saw him. So shall we debate this? You saw?? Wait. You saw Arin poop last. No… Let’s gloss over this. The point is Arin is the winner. Well, I’m not the winner yet. I mean, you’re the winner of this small thing… I mean Ross can tell us if I’m the winner. How long ago? How long did I poop?? No. How long ago did you poop? Uh, it was like, I don’t know 30 minutes? That’s pretty recent. Time is irrelevant. He did poop last. All right. Ensure you have ten cards… No more no less… Things are… All right? All right. Okay… all right. Yesss. All right. A good hand? Yeah. Yeah… Everything’s good. Cool. Oh! Well… That’s good, too! Arin, when you’re ready, please… draw the first black card. Oh, that’s right! I am… Since you are first… I am the Poopy. You are the pooper. The super pooper. And the first card is… Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you *blank*. Yup. Well indeed. Pass ’em in. Pass ’em in. I’m definitely feeling it. So, this is a good card. I have a good feeling. I think I might have a royal flush. That’s not how the game works… UNo! So first up, “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you… used condoms.” Very nice. Who wrote that one? I did. Look at that handwriting. Are any of us capable writing that legible. I wrote that! I forgot! Yes. “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you Ross’ stupid fucking face, that’s like a fucking so stupid.” I wrote that one. Oh shit. “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you… a fat bald man from the internet.” That actually can be achieved. That is the internet. Yeah, it’s exclusively. “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you… sudden poop explosion” Well, good sirs and madam. I believe a winner has been found. That is mine! Huh, it’s not Ross’ stupid face that’s so fucking stupid? Oh nooo… I want to see a sudden exploding poop. Yeah, so are you going clockwise? Yes. Sure. All right, and we pick new cards? Yeah, it’s always a new set of cards. New card. Oh, it’s so far. Okay. All right, everyone ready. Yes. Bam! “*Blank*: Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.” This is a tricky one… Bah boom! What say you, Charles Barkley(?)? Bark bark bark. Nicely put. after my own heart. You’re welcome. I think I may have won this one. Really? Good Sir. Awfully confident. Wait why… That’s not a paperboy accent? I’ll say good sir. I think the one you’re looking for is: ‘Ello! That’s your accent. Can shine your shoe for a penny or two? Well… Why would you ever choose two pennies? We have a game to play okay? Okay. “*Blank*: Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.” All right, so let’s go. First card: “Ripping into a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart: Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.” True. It’s really true. This one is really good. “Game Grumps: Awesome in theory, kind of messy in practice.” Burn. Who wrote Game Grumps? I wrote that. That was a good one. Barry you son of a bitch! Scandalous. “Sexy siamese twins: Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.” Yeah, you don’t know where to put it. Oh. Oh my god Ross! What I’m just saying! You know that is an issue. Say it. SAY IT. I want the recording of this, so I can have my way with it. Say it Suzy. Making the penises kiss: YesSSS! “Making the penises kiss: Awesome in theory, kind of messy in practice.” I’ve heard. I’ve heard. I believe they call that docking. Well, space docking. Oh, I’m sorry. Alright. So these two are right after my own heart. Literally, um… God. Game Grumps is so close to my heart, but so is Indiana Jones. I’m gonna go with Game Grumps. Nicely done… Arin! What? (?) Wrong game Ross, but yes. Sorry. I know what you’re saying. “As a part of his contract, Prince won’t perform without *blank* in his dressing room.” Hmm… Here you go, enjoy. Enjoy that one. I believe I shall. I’m quite excited. I’m excited. All right. “As part of his contract Prince won’t perform without a smiling black man, a latina businesswoman, a cool asian and some whites in his dressing room.” That is a good card. Pretty fucking specific. Do they mean like t-shirts, like some whites, like a load of white laundry or just white people? White people. I don’t like being referred to just by… nevermind. Whites? “As part of his contract, Prince won’t perform without nubile slave boys… in his dressing room.” Wow. Yeah… All right! I’m down with that one. “As part of his contract Prince won’t perform without having a penis in his dressing room.” Is that like having a penis… like on the table, or like his own? That’s up to you Barry. Yeah. Wow. I mean lord Chester Honeysworth. The doors are open on that one. Thank you, shoeshine. I don’t know if that’s what he said the first time. “As a part of his contract Prince won’t perform without Neil Patrick Harris in his dressing room.” Oh… Food for thought. You know what, I’m right there with Prince. Having a penis. God damn it. Thank you. Does everyone have ten cards? No… I must… uhhh… Fuck. Make sure I got ten in my haaand. Oh god damn it… I know, same. All right, Ross. What is it? Oh, well pass me a thingy. You lazy bastard. I’m a little far away. All right. You’re equal distance. “What did you bring for show and tell?” Hmm… Hmmm… Mmmhh… MMHhh… Even if it’s my black card, I always still look at my pile and just laugh like: “MmM-hmm. This would be funny” Got it. Nailed it. That’s a win for me. Ring ring ring. All right. “What did you bring for show and tell? Oops, I what?” This is my card. I realized… I was writing a card, and I thought this was a question card, but it was a answer card, so I crossed it out and wrote “Oops I what”. Thanks. Thanks for okay, you know What did you bring for show and tell? Like a butt ton of bu… like a ton of butts. Hey! Like a TON of butts. Ton of butts. “What did you bring for show and tell?
The shambling corpse of Larry King.” Wow. Too soon… He’s not dead. Yeah. That will be a really bad card eventually… umm. “What did you bring for show and tell?
Literally eating shit.” Whoa, all right? All right, literally eating shit wins. Yeah! Boom! Come on! What was yours Arin that you were so sure of winning. Uh, like a ton of butts. That is such a you card. Who played Oops I what? I wrote it. That was me. Very good. Well done. Well done. I figured it was a card after Ross’ own heart. It was cos it was my mistake. All right guys! Oh, man… This is a personalized one. “The next game Game Grumps should play is *blank* simulator.” Oh dear god. Mm-Hmm Very nice. Oh man, I got too many good ones here. Oh Ross, you’re so proud of yourself. Unbelievable. Not too confident about this one, but you know maybe my luck will turn around. Cool. Like it did in the war? Suzy, would you… We don’t speak of that at this table! Okay… Which war? Have you noticed this is our table, not yours! The next game… *tap* You know how Arin feels about talking about the war. “The next game Game Grumps should play is… being a busy adult with many important things to do simulator:” “Apologizing simulator.” “The boners of the elderly simulator…” “To overpowering your father simulator.” I really like that one. I’m calling Overpowering your father simulator. WooO!! Yess!! Wow, good job Ross. You actually did have that one. I’m impressed. I don’t know how Ross does it. Oh, this card would have been perfect for… Them’s the ropes, I guess. I understand. Them’s the breaks. Pick a card general. Oh, it’s mine. Yeah. General Captain Crunch. “After months of practice with *blank* I think I’m finally ready for *blank*.” This is a two card. Mm-Hmm. So, you put the… so the first ones the bottom, right? Yes. Okay, what was… read it again? It was..? “After months of practice with *blank* I think I’m finally ready for *blank*.” Boom. Victory. I just laid it out on the table. I’m not competing so I can root through for you. Thanks, man. Am I the only one without any cards? Yes. What? Awesome. Oh, no Suzy. Cool. Without any wins… Oh, yeah. I haven’t won any! Yeah, it’s you and me Suz. Yeah, mix it up without me seeing so I don’t get bias. Oh yeah. Ready? Hold on, I’ll mix ’em for ya. You don’t need to say you didn’t not and I’ll still be confused. That’s an excellent point. They’re mixed. Done. All right, here we go. “After months of practice with… sexual humiliation, I think I’m finally ready for… mom.” All right, okay. Somebody’s got some problems. It kinda built up to that one. “After months of practice with… being a dinosaur I think I’m finally ready for… mad hacky-sack (?).” Well. I can relate. Right. “After months of practice with enormous scandinavian women… Right. …I think I’m finally ready for… Suicidal thoughts.” C’mon man we might have some enormous scandinavian women fans. I’m sorry. Was that you!? Noo! Oh ok, just apologizing for the laughter? “After months of practice with clenched butt cheeks… I think I’m finally ready for… Zeus’s sexual appetites.” Wow, okay… What is this game? I’m thinking it’s gotta be this one. Oh there’s so many. Bah boom. Yeah Barry! Was that you barry? That was mine. Good for you. Oh man. Does everybody have ten cards? Oh, I’ve got ten cards all right, and I’m ready to use ’em. Ready to use ’em to win. Done. Do you guys both have two cards already? Yes. Snap. You have three?!? Gosh dang oh darn! That’s a lot of dang cards! Well it’s three. I’m declaring class warfare. Class warfare has been set settled. Did you find that in the gutter? I did! It looks smashing on you. All right, settle down. “Finally a service that d…” Barry you look like my granddad. Hello dear. All right you guys. You ready? Yes. “Finally a service at delivers *blank* right to your door!” Oh dear. I know that Suzy would appreciate this one. I’m kind of scared. Ross, stop being proud of yourself and put the card down. Oh man, are we almost out of cards? We’re getting there. We have to resuffle. We have more cards, should we… Should we need them? We might have to summon… him… H I M. Alright! So, “Finally a service that delivers… 1,000 Slim Jims right to your door!” Oh man. I know, right? Beefy, juicy taste. Yeah. “Finally a service that delivers clams right to your door!” cLAMS! You have to say it like that or else it’s not funny. cLAMS… CLAMSS. “Finally a service that delivers dorito breath right to your door!” Dorito breath? Oh god. “Finally a service that delivers a plunger to the face right at your door!” Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah, you guys just kind of dropped the ball this one. Well, I mean everybody likes the taste of cLAms. I’m guessing you put down clams. No!!! *Dan coughs* Doesn’t Slim Jims. Sorry. All right. If I had to pick something to be delivered to the door that was funny. It’s the 1,000 Slim Jims. Yesss! Thank you, Suzy. C’mon man. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You gonna skip me on the clam thing? I think it’s time to call in… H I M… *Dramatic music* Has the world gone mad?!? That is genius! How appropriate is that? SUPER appropriate! Listen son; if you wanna… *Ross coughs* sorry let me start again. Learn how to read Ross! Pre-requisite. Coming from the fucking chimney sweep, like you know how to read. Boy is the master chimney sweep with the hat now. Yeah. I have a top hat now, you di-

100 Comments

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *